personal effects

[Mr Black]

removed

[Nicky B]

I really like the middle section of this, but I'm not crazy for the start or end. I just feel like they're a bit cliche, especially the last two lines. The first section doesn't help me to understand why you're "too scared to hate". The middle section, however, makes complete sense to me.

[Nino]

Hi Mr. Black

Second stanza is really strong and good, I would love another word then dealt though, something stronger.
The beginning and the last stanza don't contribute anything to the poem, apart from weakening it. As many times as I said it before, I will repeat it again, show me the hell and I will know it, don't tell me because i will not believe you.
Concentrate on S2 and create first and last stanza similarly, using concrete images and.it will become a strong poem.
Thanks for sharing.
Nino

[Sandbanx]

Aren't we supposed to keep our friends close, and our enemies closer? Someone said that. I'd say who, but you'd accuse me of googling it and you'd be right!

I agree Mr. Black, that this seems a tad overused in parts and that takes much of the sting off of the good bits..... and I have to say that the phrase "too scared' sounds wrong to me.

Changing from "We" in S1 to "I" in S2 put me off somewhat. Almost like two completely separate poems that caused me to go back and start over.

S3 reminded me of a fortune cookie.

I think there is in S2, the promise of something quite good that deserves a more arresting start and a more powerful finsh. The image that this stanza evokes is startling in it's simplicity and it's honesty.

[David]

Aren't we supposed to keep our friends close, and our enemies closer? Someone said that.

Yes, that's what I thought of too. I'd guess it was from The Godfather, but that's a completely Google-free guess and therefore probably wrong.

I'd agree that S1 needs further development - that idea that "the ones / we say we love" are "the ones / we are too scared to hate" is just too intriguing, not to say tendentious, not to be expanded on.

S2 is a very striking image. (And there's nothing wrong with "dealt" in this context.)

S3 is also unexceptionable as a proposition, but again it needs further expansion. It reminded me of Marlowe's Faust - "Why this is hell, nor am I out of it". That might be worth looking at.

Work at it.

Cheers

David

[Mr Black]

removed

[ray miller]

Apart from the last 2 lines I liked this. I don't think the ideas expressed need developing at all, the brevity is a strength.
Anyhow, I couldn't resist

we surround ourselves
with the ones
we say we love
the ones
we are too scared to hate

i watched the way they ate
the way they dealt
with their saliva

how did they all expect to rate?

[arunansu]

I crave to read this with just S2! Fabulous! I feel S1 is redundant keeping the title in view. However, enjoyed.