Sapphire Hair

[brianedwards]

Sapphire Hair

Perhaps you'll wake and find the sun
wiping its dagger on a rag of cloud
and, being soluble and dropped in a cup
of black sky, fizzing.

[tab][/tab][tab][/tab][tab][/tab][tab][/tab]Your shoes,
arranged from left to right, cozy,
each curled towards the other remain
useless, able to keep you dry of water
and little else:

the day has already touched down somewhere
and moves, like a wall of sound and light,
toward the bonfire of your alibis.

[tab][/tab][tab][/tab][tab][/tab][tab][/tab]You'd dressed
so sub rosa in the dark that I was fooled
you were faking it, stepping out
as naked as the erstwhile Emperor.

The water has been changed,
the lilies cut and your neighbour
seems less tense today, confusion
no longer perched on the bridge of his nose,
its wings spread across his field of vision.

You think you hear his lips unpurse,
the slow opening of a crow's foot
and the gentle surge of donepezil
cruising through the streets of his dementia.

But, like the rest of us, you're just buying time.
Sunlight is dispersing shadows, the foam
is nearing. We pinch our noses.
Our lungs expand. We float
because there's nothing else to do.










~

[Arian]

Bloody hell, Brian. If there were a competition for "image of the year",

the sun
wiping its dagger on a rag of cloud

would surely be a strong contender. Extremely good. And

confusion
no longer perched on the bridge of his nose,
its wings spread across his field of vision.

is pretty damn good, too.

As is frequently the case with your stuff, I find the narrative element a little intractable, if it exists at all. But it's possibly intended that way - merely a vehicle for your often striking, and occasionally (as here) brilliant, imagery.

Cheers
peter

[oranggunung]

Brian

S1 hooked me and set my imagination to work.


and, being soluble and dropped in a cup

The ideas are so fantastic, I wondered whether ‘or’ would be better than ‘and’.


confusion
no longer perched on the bridge of his nose,
its wings spread across his field of vision.

Should the last line of this stanza start ‘no longer’ too? I’m having trouble deciding if the wings are, or are not, currently spread.


cruising through the streets of his dementia.

while the image is engaging, this doesn’t suggest any sort of treatment on the part of the drug. I thought it was supposed to alleviate the symptoms of dementia.


But, like the rest of us, you're just buying time.

Ultimately I get lost here, which is terribly frustrating, having managed to navigate through a constructed landscape up until this point. I wonder if this is where the content gets more personal. To add to my confusion, the mention of noses takes me back to S5.

There doesn’t seem to be very much emotion here. The circumstances are reported dispassionately, so I’m left confused by the N’s relationship with the elderly woman. The intermittent information (S4 & S5) makes them appear to be a regular visitor or a carer on a regular shift.

Wish I could find a way through the final stanza to work out how it’s supposed to end

og

[delph_ambi]

This poem is a willow pattern of interlinked scenes.

I'll come back after a few more reads.

[Nino]

Brian

Day moves like wall of sound and light is such an amazing image. Wow.

[brianedwards]

Well, I must say I'm pleasantly surprised by all your enthusiasm. I've been struggling lately and wasn't sure this would be engaging enough. I'm very glad some of you are appreciating the images. Og, Peter, I wouldn't worry too much about finding a narrative here. A few scraps of ideas that maybe hang together, maybe don't, but no desire on my part to impose any kind of narrative drive. Feel free to find your own of course . . .

B.

[Elphin]

Sorry Brian - this isnt working for me.

I am not critting so much so to come in with a negative one feels slightly churlish. My problem is that the images, individually are great but dont to me add up to anything. Let me try to explain with an example

the sun wipes its dagger - ok so the sun is personified and undertakes a human action that IMO should be continued into something to do with stabbing/slashing/death

but no in the next line the sun becomes a big soluble aspirin.

So individually i could love the images created but together they are jarring.

Bonfire of your alibis is another one - fantastic image but its an isolated one with no apparent connection to what came before or after. At this point I am beginning to think its my inadequacy as a reader and should press delete ... but I am going to leave these thoughts with you in case they chime in any way.

I will also say I thought this was two separate poems. From the water has been changed seems much less reliant on these contrived images and the metaphors more internally consistent e.g. perched/wings/crows foot.

There you are sir, some ramblings for you to chew on.

elph

[brianedwards]

No worries Elph, can't win 'em all. As I said above, been struggling quite a bit lately, so happy to get anything down on paper. I'm finding myself less and less interested in narrative and drawn more toward unpacking individual ideas, images and actions. I think it's common for writers whose style is going through a transition to experience block, failure and accusations of obscurity --- if that holds true then I can feel hopeful I am on the right track!

Your input always appreciated and I will surely bear your comments in mind when I look at this again.

B.

[Arian]

the sun wipes its dagger - ok so the sun is personified and undertakes a human action that IMO should be continued into something to do with stabbing/slashing/death

For goodness' sake Elph! Forget all that pseudo-analysis! Can't you see the simple elegance and creativity of the image? That a sunlit cloud sometimes just looks, it just does, like a rag of cloth which has had a bloody dagger wiped on it? Surely you can! I can. Most of us can. Where's the poet in you that an image like that can't demand respect, even admiration, without waffling on about personification and human action and continued action and god knows what.

I'm not attacking you, I've read your stuff, and it's generally very good. But aren't we, with views like this, in danger of analysing the poetry out of poetry. Surely, sometimes, a fresh expression is worth praise at face value, without demanding that it should have 47.5 dimensions of meaning and nine interpretive implications for the rest of the piece. Sometimes, a nice phrase, like this one, is just that - a nice phrase. If you lose sight of that, you have become (in my view) a mechanic, not a poet.

Cheers, from (a bad-hair day, sorry)
peter

[Elphin]

Peter

I haven't explained my point very well. I would be the first to agree with you that we should avoid psuedo analysis and a search for multi dimensions of meaning, unless of course the poet wants us to. What I was trying to say is that the image is fantastic - elegant and creative as you have said.

So what did I mean - my point was that if you use an image like this one then the images that follow should, at least in my view, be consistent with the theme that has been established hence my references to stabbing/slashing etc etc as examples. What Brian's poem does is change the theme to describe the sun like a large aspirin or Alk Seltzer fizzing - itself a great image. It was the jumping about that bothered me.

I will now contradict myself to say that of course there will be exceptions and having read Brians comment I can see what he is trying to achieve. It still doesnt work for me - but thats OK.

No need to apologise or say you are not attacking me - I think i know your contributions to the site well enough to take what you say at face value and know that it is debate in a civilised manner.

cheers

elph

[Raincoat]

Peter

No need to apologise or say you are not attacking me - I think i know your contributions to the site well enough to take what you say at face value and know that it is debate in a civilised manner elph

think that's my fault - i thought something peter had said was a personal attack on my language skills rather than debate but it was a misunderstanding - that was just me being overly emotional...certainly don't want the debate to suffer because of something i said. i know peter's suggestions have helped me with my poetry on this forum.

[Nino]

I agree with both Arian and Elphin

The thing is judging from the first image I automatically had certain expectations about the poem, but it did not go to that direction. More I genuinely don't get a grasp of who N is or who he is talking about, but those images were so good that I still enjoy the poem greatly. Of course if the writer decides to strengthen it more with story line or direct it towards general expectations, it will make this poem much more powerful.
As a beginner I have a question: can poem be enjoyed and remembered purely for images? Even if they are disjointed?
Everyone is talking about the sun wiping the dagger, did anyone notice the beautiful image of the day moving in a wall of sound and light? It has been in my mind for few days, it's so clear and strong.
Nino

[Arian]

Elph - thanks for taking my slightly undignified mini-rant so elegantly in your stride. And yes, I do see your point.

Tess - not your fault at all. Completely down to me and my sometimes neo-conservative, quasi-trad, views on poetry.

Cheers
peter

[brianedwards]

Here's an alternative version. Very different poem, but some of the central images remain the same:


Sapphire

Perhaps you'll wake and find the sun
wiping its dagger on a rag of cloud,
your shoes arranged from right to left
each curling away from the other.

The day has already touched down
and moves, like a wall of sound and light,
toward the bonfire of your alibis

and though you dress sub rosa in the dark
you know you're fooling no-one.

Your neighbour seems less tense today, confusion
no longer perched on the bridge of his nose,
its wings spread across his field of vision.

You think you hear his lips unpurse,
the slow opening of a crow's foot, but,
like the rest of us, you're just buying time.

You pinch your nose and wait.
for lungs to expand. You float
because there's nothing else to do.

[Elphin]

Brian

A much better balance of images and narrative, IMO. I think this leaves enough unsaid but also has enough signposts to allow the reader to create their own "meaning".

In a way the fewer images used make those that are left shine more brightly. In the previous version, for example, I hadnt even noticed the rag/dagger rhyme.

Love the arangement of the shoes - slightly comedic but all the more effective for that.

cheers

elph