the fish paste faces of a forgotten place

[Raincoat]

the fish paste faces of a forgotten place

her thong
poked up like an upturned anchor
on her pasty white rump
if she clung
she clung to a clay pot
and certainly the curve of her body was a curlew beak

flat on the pavement a fluted man
with bewick complexion
was if anything
star gazing
except it was midday
and the stars were soberly hidden

more stumbled blindly from the pub
like seasick fishermen
with no trace
of balance

original below

her thong
poked up like an upturned anchor
on her pasty white rump
if she clung
she clung to a clay pot
and certainly the curve of her body was a curlew beak

flat on the pavement a fluted man
with bewick complexion
was if anything
star gazing
except it was midday
and the only stars were soberly hidden
in a din of cosmic radiation

more stumbled blindly from the pub
like spurts of sperm adjusting to the day

clams sang to them
to the ones
who remind me of
like seasick fishermen
with
fish paste faces
and no trace
of balance

[Nash]

There are some great lines and images here Tess. I like the slightly odd conversational pieces, the repeat of 'she clung'; 'and certainly'; 'if anything'; they work really well. The continuation of the nautical theme throughout keeps it flowing nicely too.

I'm not quite so sure about 'in a din of cosmic radiation', seems a bit out of place to me, a bit too sciency. Same goes for 'like spurts of sperm adjusting to the day', doesn't quite fit in.

The last stanza is great!

I'm not sure what the line break conversation was about previously, but they seem to work well in this one, they lend it a certain awkwardness which I like.

[R Cox]

Hi there...

Very nice. I like S1 in particular.

Apologies if this has already been addressed in your previous post...but...
I'm no bird expert, but are the ornithological references to sea birds in particular? (i'm guessing bewick is Thomas?)

[Raincoat]

thanks Nash - i wasn't too sure about those two images either especially the latter - i thought it would sound earthy but it just sounds a bit weird on reflection! I've cut those out. the voice bit I added at the last minute - I thought I'd experiment a bit - i think i focus too much on my imagery so thought i'd try something different wasn't sure if it worked, so thanks that is good to hear that it didn't sound too bad.

hi r cox - thx for dropping by, yeh I wanted to run a theme of sea/estuary birds through it so bewick was the swan.

my first draft was this - i wasn't sure if I played with it too much:

her thong
flashed like an upturned anchor
as she bent over a clay pot
in curlew beak formation

flat on the pavement a fluted man
with bewick complexion
was star gazing
except it was midday
and the stars were soberly hidden

more stumbled blindly from the pub
like seasick fishermen
who have no trace
of balance

[arunansu]

I feel you've made a very good revision and I love the final stanza the most. It was the title that drew me to your write. Thanks.

[KevJ]

The revision works much better I think. Nice imagery. Really like the final stanza. For some reason I picture a load of drunks stumbling out of a bar on Broad Street in Birmingham on a Friday night.

[brianedwards]

Like this a lot. Not very keen on "fish paste" appearing in the text, nor "with" taking a line to itself, but these are minor nits.

I'd like to nominate this for Feature if you don't object.

B.

[Raincoat]

Hi Kev - thx v much - i hoped that drunken stumbling idea would come through but i wasn' sure if it was clear enough from the beginning (the woman at the beginning was being sick, trying to hold herself up, her partner was conked out on the pavement)

hi brian - thanks, certainly wouldn't object to that! i've made a couple of tweaks on that final stanza, it resembles my first draft in my comment above before i played around with it too much.

[nar]

Hi, Raincoat.

Some great images in this. The anchor, clay pot & curlew beak in S1 work particularly well.

I like the "if", "certainly", "if anything" concepts, and would perhaps like to see them extended. As an example: changing the simile in S3 to

"more stumbled blindly from the pub
like seasick fishermen perhaps"

or

"more stumbled blindly from the pub
not unlike seasick fishermen"

I think the revision is better than the original. The only over-cull for me is "clams sang" which I think keeps the nautical theme going while adding a nice image too.

Thanks for not using "no dab of balance" which I would not have been able to resist .

Great stuff, thanks.

- Neil.