now autumn

[delph_ambi]

now autumn

his body yearns with angles
a near-corpse leaning into the pit
brittle and crumbling

let me quicken this flesh

he spirals with self-destruction
a whirligig descent into brackish november

but I don’t want spring
I know the embrowning ferns, the last blooms of heather
the rough stubble of his winter beard

oh breathe, lover, breathe

he cracks his joints, flexes, flings his fist into the wall he has built
winces with pain

I draw his fingers into my mouth
caress with my tongue
but he doesn’t
doesn’t know tenderness

he burns
he burns

[brianedwards]

"yearn" is usually one of those words that bugs the hell out of me, but I quite like it here, especially how it picks up the rhyme with burns at the end.
"caress" is more of a problem for me, just seems to be trying too hard there. Similarly "flings his fist" and "winces with pain" strike me as not particularly fresh. Also not sure about repeating "doesn't", not quite sure of your intent there.

"whirligig" is a fabulous word isn't it? That stanza my favourite.

B.

[BenJohnson]

The repeated 'doesn't' was the biggest bump for me.

The whole tone of the poem seems to alter after 'oh breathe, lover, breathe', up to that point I was loving the descriptions. I think it is the change from description to plain action and the corresponding change to a plainer language.

'flexes, flings his fist' has some nice sonics to it though which match the speed and action.

[delph_ambi]

I've been criticised for the repetition of 'doesn't' elsewhere, so I suppose I should start listening to the criticism. Hmph. I've got into the habit of these stammering repetitions. Will have to wean myself off them if they're going to cause people to trip up.

Not sure about the fist flinging. It could use fresher language, but on the other hand, it says what it wants to say in a very direct way. I'll have to think about it.

Thank you.

[BenJohnson]

Part of the issue for me is the double negative, are the too doesn'ts for empathise or a very round about way of saying he does know tenderness.

[delph_ambi]

I actually used it for hesitant emphasis, but I think in the future I'll pretend I used it as a very round about way of saying he knows tenderness. I love that idea.

[delph_ambi]

I'm glad you've picked up on the 'he burns' repetition, as that was the one I was most unhappy about (I still like the 'doesn't' even though nobody else does). Maybe I'll keep the repetition of burns, but lose the second 'he'.

The cracked joints /fist through the wall line is tricky. I'll keep pondering.

Thank you.

[Denis Joe]

'I know the embrowning ferns, the last blooms of heather'. The eroticism is lost at this point, I think. The reason is that when I got to this line i visualised old misery-guts, TS Elliot. Maybe if you changed 'I know'

[Arian]

I've got into the habit of these stammering repetitions. Will have to wean myself off them if they're going to cause people to trip up.

Well, yes and no.

It's not a matter of principle, but (as with most aspects of poetry) of practice. In other words, repetitions can be good, if used in the right way. For me, there's nothing wrong with the "doesn't" repetition (though it would be, I think, better with an em-dash between the two). In fact, I positively like it. On the other hand, the last 2 lines smack of forced, self-conscious "poeticism", which gives the (otherwise pleasing) piece a sense of clumsy melodrama.

Cheers
peter

[delph_ambi]

TS Elliot? I thought I was shamelessly ripping off Hardy, as Egdon Heath always seemed to be embrowning itself. I'll have to think about what those lines are doing to the tone. Interesting point. Thanks Denis.

Peter, I'm delighted the 'doesn't' repetition just about worked for you. I think you're right about it needing a dash. And I agree absolutely with your analysis of why the end repetition fails. Thank you.