Acceptance

[Nino]

Your bruises, I could see the morning glory
in them, or lilac branches bowed with the April rain,
but they are just your bruises
that’s what they are.

Your eyes, once reminded me of azure lakes
spread beneath the cloudy peaks, where grass turns into reed
but now they look like mud puddles steaming up
in the August heat.
But they are just your eyes
that’s what they are.

Your palms could bring to mind
yellowing cedar leaves fleeting from October skies.
but they are just your hands, bone-heavy
marrow drained.
that’s what they are.

Your hair scattered on the pillow sheet, resemble
pine needles fallen in December hush
that squeal under feet.
but I brush them up, they are just your hair
that’s what they are.

And your body left behind by you
looks so much like empty seashell on the shore
half buried in the sand. But it’s just your body
that’s what it is.
and your tombstone with your name on it
could be you- once a little boy, standing
on his tiptoes, unable to reach the window pane
but no, it’s just your grave
that’s what it is.

[BenJohnson]

Good to read you again Nino. Your English seems to have improve since I last read one of your posts. Just a couple of cases S4 hair should be hairs as you later refer to them as 'they'. S2 I think reads better as 'reeds' rather than reed. Both minor points, as to the poem itself I like it, it has the same qualities I enjoyed in earlier poems, but is much more consistent in delivering them this time. The style works well for me also, the repetition of 'Your...that's what they are' builds up nicely. Much enjoyed thanks.

[Nino]

Ben

I am glad to be back and missed you all here (even the nasties, just kidding). I have not been writing much, but hopefully taking a break will help me to do it again.
thank you for pointing out my errors and I am glad you enjoyed it.
Thank you again
Nino

[ray miller]

Hello again Nino.I enjoyed the poem, though I have to say that by the end I found the "that's what they are" a little tiresome. Some of the lines are really quite beautiful, like this

Your eyes, once reminded me of azure lakes
spread beneath the cloudy peaks, where grass turns into reed

but then I'd like "now they are mud puddles steamed/ up in the August heat".

fleeting from October skies? Or fleeing?

Do pine needles squeal underfoot?

[Nino]

Ray thank you
and really good points, you pointed out most of the flaws, I posted this somewhere else and got same responses, but did not wanted to change anything just yet until I got your opinions so I can look at everything together during the revision.
Thank you

[clarabow]

Nino I thought this had some beautiful lines and I think this has much potential. Forgive me for taking liberties, but I think with deleting (words) some words you strengthen the poem. I too found the repetition slightly OTT, but with deletes and the variation I think you can over-come this. Mine are just suggestions so impose or ignore. CB


(Your bruises,) I could see the morning glory
in them, or lilac branches bowed with the April rain,
but they are just your bruises
that’s what they are.

Your eyes, once reminded me of azure lakes
spread beneath (the) cloudy peaks, where grass turns (in) to reeds
(but) now they look like mud puddles steaming up
in the August heat.
But they are just your eyes
(that’s what they are.)

Your palms (could) bring to mind
yellowing cedar leaves fleeting from October skies. Xfleeting?
but they are just your hands, bone-heavy
marrow drained.
that’s what they are.

Your hair scattered on the pillow sheet,
resemble pine needles fallen in December'S hush
(that squeal under feet.)
but I brush them up, (they) (are) it's just your hair
that’s what (they are.) it is.

And your body left behind (by you)
looks (so much) like AN empty seashell on the shore
half buried in the sand. But it’s just your body
(that’s what it is.)

and your tombstone with your name on (it)
could be you- once a little boy, standing
on his tiptoes, unable to reach the window pane
but no, it’s just your grave
that’s what it is.


Nino
Productive Poster


Posts: 96
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:28 am
Private messageE-mail Nino

[Meesha]

I wondered where you went with all that fresh and lovely sass of yours, N. And I also see you've not overcome the use cliche as yet. But you will I'm sure. Am wondering if you can sharpen this very nice draft a little.

I could see the morning dew in them,
like lilac branches bent with April rain,
but they are just your bruises,
that is what they are.


M

PS: btw, I can imagine a totally gorgeous Triolet from this... thank you.

[Nino]

Thank you both very much for reading and commenting. I will definitely consider your suggestions in revision.
Nino

[Arian]

Yes, very good. Expressive and poignant.

There's a few places where the english seems odd (hair as plural, for example), but the idea is good,and the execution enjoyable.

Thanks
peter