mid path revolution

[Guest]

I feel madness rolling in, as the doctors
Questions pin me again, I leave feeling
Conned into sanity, stumbling into the
Streets humanity, feeling the cracks in the
Path as my bones, fearing that evil smell as my own.
Sitting on benches, each one a memorial
In its nature each one a grave,
Walking a path people so casually use,
As symmetrical as I am confused.
So I’m lying down like in a video, sleeping tightly
Being arrested for obstruction, laughing slightly
And then my room, all pen animated and white,
The bricks of the cell where I shall sleep tonight.

I’m bailed on a sunny morning, £2.60 for
The fags they shipped in, and a promise that I’ll
Never do it again, lay down in madness
Start my own revolution mid path.
At their ill-conceived ideas of insanity, I laugh
As the early morning whores arrive, aging as they curse,
And into the sunlight I step, like corpse from a hearse
And I realise as the sun beats down
I’ve died a little more, and feel a little worse
Then cursing the sun for its light,
I lay down once more
Solid in my plight.

[cameron]

Thanks for using the forum and for being the first to post a review. Glad that 'Trim' left you wanting more. It's intentionally minimalist, as it's a tanka i.e. 31 syllables (assuming I've counted correctly?).

Of the three poems you've posted my favourite is definitely Mid Path Revolution. It certainly addresses the 'un-poetic' modern world which is always a good thing - particularly as many poets seem to forget that we are in the 21st century.

The mental health theme is a good one but seems (to me) a little over stated. Less might be more. Or showing how the 'madness' manifests itself might make the poem more effective.

I liked the rhyme - but it does seem to crop up rather randomly.

Best lines: 'So I'm lying down like in a video' and 'I'm bailed on a sunny morning'.

[camus]

thanks for reading, I tend to let the words create their own structure/form and if they rhyme they do and if not ok.

As for overstating the mental health issue, if you had ever suffered from mental health issues you would know it can never be overstated, far from it.

Thanks though for reading and commenting I guess we are probably at different ends of the poetry spectrum, you are probably "A Real Poet"

cheers
Kris

[Ray Trivedi]

I realise as the sun beats down
I’ve died a little more, and feel a little worse

I'm glad I looked at the 'back' of this forum. I can relate to this.

[camus]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,

Look at my comments, different poet - different person.

Ray your trawling may soon cause high embarrassment, lol.

[pseud]

aye. I look at my old posts - and cringe...

[k-j]

aye. I look at my old posts - and cringe...

I cringe at your old posts too, pseud.

[pseud]

see, I was wondering about going back and deleting them in mass quantities.

I'd lose my prolific status pretty quick though...

[Bombadil]

Mustn't forfeit that.

Besides, I think kj was complimenting you on your growth, my padawan.

[k-j]

No, I was just being mean. But I didn't mean it, natch.

[Bombadil]

fucker.

I think I'm going to have to get on your tits, soon.


hehehe.

[k-j]

So what do you say when someone gets on your tits? And what's a padawan?

[pseud]

"gets on my tits"

Americanized:
"gets on my nerves"
"irks"
"annoys"
"pisses off"

"padawan"

(from Star Wars)

clarified:
"pupil"
"student"
"learner of some kind"
"follower"
"naive youth"

[Bombadil]

pissed off. that's mine.

[Thomas]

Cameron wrote: liked the rhyme - but it does seem to crop up rather randomly..

Does this mean Cameron that rhyme is perhaps growing on you
Or is Rhyme just becoming modern i.e. modern up to date poetry,is rhyme accepted i wonder?

Not that i'm picking mind you it's just that i always received the impression you were never "FOND" of rhyme.

Tom. [/b]

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Camus,

It worries me (for the sake of my own sanity) that I'm disturbed and
moved by this poem.
Have you read "Zen and the......." and "Lila"?

Geoff

[cameron]

Wow - this is a rave from the grave!

Respect - the first person ever to post a crit on this forum.

In the beginning whole days/weekends/weeks used to go by between posts until, that is, Kris came on and took it by the scruff of the neck. Without his early input, it might well have gone down the pan.

cam

Ps Tom - I've never had a problem with rhyme; it's just hard to do well. Most people end up being controlled by it - rather than the other way round.