The mannequins move upon the screen
Air-brushing reality from the dream,
Woman defined only by her home,
Generic male, industry's drone
Art imitates life, to the neighbours' acclaim
As the ersatz couple are perfectly framed
With their synthetic children and enamel smiles,
Behold 'Still Life, with Plastic Tiles'
So the interrogation begins,
The spotlight falls upon your sins:
'HOW CLEAN IS YOUR HOUSE?!?!? ARE YOU ONE OF US?!?!?'
Quick! Clean the dirt, and polish the dust!
The whole world glares through double-glazed eyes
At your pitch-black whites, and your cellulite thighs
Eight out of ten say you're incomplete
'Til your soul smiles back at you from clean white sheets
So exorcise your home in the Aryan way
And keep the dust devils safely at bay,
Scrub your children until they bleed
Or people will think that you're strange indeed
Ideal Home (television advertisment)
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dillingworth
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i think the first stanza is weaker than the rest. particularly liked the how clean is your house idea, good satire of reality tv.
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dillingworth
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Aryan: I thought it was a reference to all-white ideology, in this context the tyranny of wanting a spotless house! nicely achieved image.
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Bombadil
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Welcome.
I like ersatz and aryan. Nice turns of tongue. I'd ditch the rhyme and work on the tone a bit more. Make it more subtley condescending and less overt and preachy.
Good first post.
Cheers,
Bombadil
I like ersatz and aryan. Nice turns of tongue. I'd ditch the rhyme and work on the tone a bit more. Make it more subtley condescending and less overt and preachy.
Good first post.
Cheers,
Bombadil
Thank you for your comments, everyone.
I used the adjective 'Aryan' because I wanted to point out the neurosis of conformity inherent in these tv commercials i.e apparently, if your home isn't spotless, then you're a reject of this supposed Eloi-like society, and therefore, you're diseased;I was trying to vaguely suggest the warped, Nazi view of Judaism as a disease, an unclean blight on an otherwise Utopian society.
I'm not really a good enough poet to have made this comparison explicit, sadly. Thanks again for your feedback
I used the adjective 'Aryan' because I wanted to point out the neurosis of conformity inherent in these tv commercials i.e apparently, if your home isn't spotless, then you're a reject of this supposed Eloi-like society, and therefore, you're diseased;I was trying to vaguely suggest the warped, Nazi view of Judaism as a disease, an unclean blight on an otherwise Utopian society.
I'm not really a good enough poet to have made this comparison explicit, sadly. Thanks again for your feedback
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Ray Trivedi
Steve wrote:I'm not really a good enough poet to have made this comparison explicit, sadly.
Be modest but not to the extent that you sound like someone with low self-esteem.
Maybe arisch would have been better, but perhaps not everyone here is familiar with German.
HahaRay Trivedi wrote:Steve wrote:I'm not really a good enough poet to have made this comparison explicit, sadly.
Be modest but not to the extent that you sound like someone with low self-esteem.
It's true though - I've only recently started trying to write poetry, and after reading some of the exellent work on this forum, I wish I hadn't! 
Welcome aboard Steve.
It's always interesting to see how poets/aspiring poets view themselves.
To me the last two stanzas could stand on their own - good descriptions, real/surreal feel, and subtlety - the first three stanzas seemed dominated by rhyme and could be dropped.
Just opinion.
- Caleb
It's always interesting to see how poets/aspiring poets view themselves.
To me the last two stanzas could stand on their own - good descriptions, real/surreal feel, and subtlety - the first three stanzas seemed dominated by rhyme and could be dropped.
Just opinion.
- Caleb
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
Thank you, Caleb
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Ray Trivedi
"Aryan" is nothing but a misappropriation of a word by the nazi scumbags, and to use it in the sense that they meant it is to endorse that sense of "Aryan" and further misappropriate it.
Sorry Steve. Blame the Judische in me. Apologies if it bothers you.
There's another alternative, "Herrenvolk".
Sorry Steve. Blame the Judische in me. Apologies if it bothers you.
There's another alternative, "Herrenvolk".
Ah, sorry Ray, I didn't know thatRay Trivedi wrote:"Aryan" is nothing but a misappropriation of a word by the nazi scumbags, and to use it in the sense that they meant it is to endorse that sense of "Aryan" and further misappropriate it.
Sorry Steve. Blame the Judische in me. Apologies if it bothers you.
Maybe I was stretching my metaphor a bit far, really - I was trying to point out that anyone who doesn't conform to this idiotic 'cleaniness is next to Godliness' philosophy is a (perceived) misfit, an outsider. It was naive bad taste to use a loaded word like 'Aryan'
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Ray Trivedi
No worries, Steve.
That word doesn't work in this poem. Like you said, most people here speak English, and that word is a borrowing from the extinct Sanskrit.
How about "teutonisch", "nordisch", or "Volkchen" (full of puns)? That would really make them a race apart from the rest of us.
I'm reminded of Sontag's comment on "the banality of evil". In the 21st C., words like Aryan, Kike, Nigger, is utterly devoid of any meaning. Only gangsta rappers, rock bands, and the Aryan Nation uses them to believe whatever they want to believe. Let's leave it to them.
That word doesn't work in this poem. Like you said, most people here speak English, and that word is a borrowing from the extinct Sanskrit.
How about "teutonisch", "nordisch", or "Volkchen" (full of puns)? That would really make them a race apart from the rest of us.
I'm reminded of Sontag's comment on "the banality of evil". In the 21st C., words like Aryan, Kike, Nigger, is utterly devoid of any meaning. Only gangsta rappers, rock bands, and the Aryan Nation uses them to believe whatever they want to believe. Let's leave it to them.
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twoleftfeet
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Hi Steve,
I like the absurdity of "clean the dirt and polish the dust".
The tone of the first two verses IMHO is more serious and studied
than the other three, which put me in mind of Country Joe's
"Fixin'-to-die Rag" or Tom Lehrer, and would make a good lyric.
wrt the Aryans
didn't they end up in India and turn brown (if they were'nt brown
to start with?).
If they'd been racist they would've found a way to get/stay white.
Thinking wasn't a Nazi stroingpoint was it?......
Geoff
I like the absurdity of "clean the dirt and polish the dust".
The tone of the first two verses IMHO is more serious and studied
than the other three, which put me in mind of Country Joe's
"Fixin'-to-die Rag" or Tom Lehrer, and would make a good lyric.
wrt the Aryans
didn't they end up in India and turn brown (if they were'nt brown
to start with?).
If they'd been racist they would've found a way to get/stay white.
Thinking wasn't a Nazi stroingpoint was it?......
Geoff
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Ray Trivedi
Our resident Max Muller.twoleftfeet wrote: wrt the Aryans
didn't they end up in India and turn brown (if they were'nt brown
to start with?).
If they'd been racist they would've found a way to get/stay white.
Thinking wasn't a Nazi stroingpoint was it?......
Geoff