A sideways slip of balance brings us,
almost un-noticing,
into this new atmosphere.
I hear lorries on the motorway
humming drone-songs through skinny air.
I'm sure they're moving faster,
urgent now to be somewhere.
Driving home in defected daylight
past budding trees on Spinny Lane:
the uncurling Spring is here.
Original :
Slight slip of balance carries us
almost un-noticing
into this new atmosphere.
I hear lorries on the motorway
humming drone-songs through skinny air
and I'm sure they're moving faster,
as if urgent now to be somewhere.
Driving home in daylight
past buddy trees on the
Spinney lane. Feels like
Spring might be here.
Equinox
Last edited by Marc on Wed Mar 30, 2011 10:35 am, edited 7 times in total.
Marc. Very nice to see you posting again. Spring must be here indeed.
I'm not too keen on your opening line - I have a thing about missing articles, and I'm not sure what the slip of balance would be - but it goes on beautifully from there. (Funny word, un-noticing, though.)
S2 and S3 I like a lot, especially "skinny air" and "buddy trees". Could you lose the last line of S2? I think so.
A good seasonal read. Spring is in the air, isn't it?
Cheers
David
I'm not too keen on your opening line - I have a thing about missing articles, and I'm not sure what the slip of balance would be - but it goes on beautifully from there. (Funny word, un-noticing, though.)
S2 and S3 I like a lot, especially "skinny air" and "buddy trees". Could you lose the last line of S2? I think so.
A good seasonal read. Spring is in the air, isn't it?
Cheers
David
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twoleftfeet
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Hi, Marc
Like David, I don't think the opening line is working. "Slip of balance" sounds like a contradiction in terms to me.
Maybe "shift"?
"Lorries humming drone-songs" - now that is on the money!
Nice one
Geoff
Like David, I don't think the opening line is working. "Slip of balance" sounds like a contradiction in terms to me.
Maybe "shift"?
"Lorries humming drone-songs" - now that is on the money!
Nice one
Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?
Hello Marc
3 points.
1. I agree with comment on slip of balance.
2. I like parts of this but would ask in what way Spring air is 'skinny'?
3. I am constantly being hit by crits on beat, accent, metre etc and I cannot get my head to balance S2L2 with S3L3. Anything to help me here?
J.
3 points.
1. I agree with comment on slip of balance.
2. I like parts of this but would ask in what way Spring air is 'skinny'?
3. I am constantly being hit by crits on beat, accent, metre etc and I cannot get my head to balance S2L2 with S3L3. Anything to help me here?
J.
Before you shave with Occam’s razor - Try epilation or microlaser
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Suzanne
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Marc,
Nice to see you.
Sigh, spring is not here yet and your poem had a clear impact reminding me of that. Very nice.
The opening has a good image but I agree that the wording is not quite right. I envisioned a bobbing into spring, a slip of a knot? a slight nod of....
This was a calm and positive read which left me waiting for signs on my trees.
I like the lorries.
Good to see you.
Suzanne
Nice to see you.
Sigh, spring is not here yet and your poem had a clear impact reminding me of that. Very nice.
The opening has a good image but I agree that the wording is not quite right. I envisioned a bobbing into spring, a slip of a knot? a slight nod of....
This was a calm and positive read which left me waiting for signs on my trees.
I like the lorries.
Good to see you.
Suzanne
This had lovely musicality in its rhythm. I liked the S S B of the opening and the uncertain, but sort of known, meaning of slight slip of balance.
Slight slip of balance carries us
almost un-noticing <<-----I'd avoid the ing and go for -iced myself. I thrink someone once told me I should and I was obedient
into this new atmosphere.
I hear lorries on the motorway
humming drone-songs through skinny air <<-----skinny air I liked and drone songs. These two lines don't quite have the rhythm as neatly as the rest to my ear
and I'm sure they're moving faster,
as if urgent now to be somewhere.
Do you need this next stanza? not sure... nice enough. I like buddy trees and Sinney Lane.
Driving home in daylight
past buddy trees on the
Spinney lane. Feels like
Spring might be here.
Slight slip of balance carries us
almost un-noticing <<-----I'd avoid the ing and go for -iced myself. I thrink someone once told me I should and I was obedient
into this new atmosphere.
I hear lorries on the motorway
humming drone-songs through skinny air <<-----skinny air I liked and drone songs. These two lines don't quite have the rhythm as neatly as the rest to my ear
and I'm sure they're moving faster,
as if urgent now to be somewhere.
Do you need this next stanza? not sure... nice enough. I like buddy trees and Sinney Lane.
Driving home in daylight
past buddy trees on the
Spinney lane. Feels like
Spring might be here.
Hi Marc,
I really like the simplicity of the language here, and the minimal structure. It's a fresh little poem, which reflects the content well methinks.
I also like the slight slip of balance phrase. The idea that there is some imperceptible shift in the balances of forces that triggers spring is great. However, I don't like 'carries', that doesn't work for me when my mind is rolling with the concept of slipping.
A question re: science.
I'm assuming 'skinny air' is an expression of the fact warmer air is less dense, hence an essentially different 'atmosphere'..? If not, then I don't quite get the references there.
all-in-all, nice one!
Tom
I really like the simplicity of the language here, and the minimal structure. It's a fresh little poem, which reflects the content well methinks.
I also like the slight slip of balance phrase. The idea that there is some imperceptible shift in the balances of forces that triggers spring is great. However, I don't like 'carries', that doesn't work for me when my mind is rolling with the concept of slipping.
A question re: science.
I'm assuming 'skinny air' is an expression of the fact warmer air is less dense, hence an essentially different 'atmosphere'..? If not, then I don't quite get the references there.
all-in-all, nice one!
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words
Hello.
Hi David, Geoff and Suzanne - not been posting for a while just watching from the sidelines. Thanks John, and Pleiades, you're a star! Well, a cluster really....
A quick one this. Funnily enough the line I'm least happy with is the very last line which no one's really had a pop at! 'Spring is here' - yeuch!
Still thinking about it...
I wanted to get the feeling that with the passing of the equinox the balance of night and day slips slightly into our favour, which is what the first line is about.
And it's us that are not noticing rather than unnoticed. But it is a funny word - i wasn't sure how to spell it even... But then maybe that's good?
Last lines. Hmm. Trying to get a resonance through a slight rhyme at the end of each stanza.
I know, I know, you all hate rhyme,
the sour corruption of a line...
etc
Oh well, at least it feels good to be writing something again after another lean period.
Cheers dears,
Marc
Hi David, Geoff and Suzanne - not been posting for a while just watching from the sidelines. Thanks John, and Pleiades, you're a star! Well, a cluster really....
A quick one this. Funnily enough the line I'm least happy with is the very last line which no one's really had a pop at! 'Spring is here' - yeuch!
Still thinking about it...
I wanted to get the feeling that with the passing of the equinox the balance of night and day slips slightly into our favour, which is what the first line is about.
And it's us that are not noticing rather than unnoticed. But it is a funny word - i wasn't sure how to spell it even... But then maybe that's good?
Last lines. Hmm. Trying to get a resonance through a slight rhyme at the end of each stanza.
I know, I know, you all hate rhyme,
the sour corruption of a line...
etc
Oh well, at least it feels good to be writing something again after another lean period.
Cheers dears,
Marc
Hi Tom (- posting simultaneously), thanks.
Yes, the air felt thinner (skinnier) yesterday. A warm day with a light breeze shaking off the winter fug. Oh, I'm coming over all poetic...
Marc
Yes, the air felt thinner (skinnier) yesterday. A warm day with a light breeze shaking off the winter fug. Oh, I'm coming over all poetic...
Marc
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ray miller
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Rhythmically, you'd be better off without "now" in line 7, I think.That said, I liked the middle verse best.What is a buddy tree? Dunno about first verse.For me, shift is preferable to slip and I don't like unnoticing.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Various tinkerings.
How was it for you?
Thanks,
Marc
How was it for you?
Thanks,
Marc
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ray miller
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- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
As you've ignored my question, Marc, (geddit?) I'll assume that the ask was too stupid to warrant a reply. So a buddy tree is simply one with buds? I was trying to imagine what kind of deficit or disability a tree might own that it might require a buddy. I really was. I'm oak, hey! You're oak, hey!
as if urgent to be somewhere - just sounds right to me. I see why you're keen on "now" but still think it could go.
Slight shift of balance slips us would be very sibilant.
as if urgent to be somewhere - just sounds right to me. I see why you're keen on "now" but still think it could go.
Slight shift of balance slips us would be very sibilant.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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Arian
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Good to see you back, Marc.
I'm late to this and I haven't read the thread, so apologies for any repetitions.
1. Great title.
2. A couple of excellent lines, esp. humming drone-songs etc.
3. A nice crispness about the language, suggestive of spring.
For me, the rhythm is a tad awkward. Partly, I think it's the grammar of L1 of s1/3. In S1, the lack of article seems to wrong-foot the reader, somehow, and in s3 the lack of pronoun leads to a subjectless sentence. This isn't necessarily wrong, it's poetry after all, but it seems oddly irregular after the sober coherence of S2. Maybe you could (a) bring s1/3 into line with s2, or (b) make s2 consistent with the others (e.g. Hearing lorries...etc).
Anyway, interestng piece
cheers
peter
I'm late to this and I haven't read the thread, so apologies for any repetitions.
1. Great title.
2. A couple of excellent lines, esp. humming drone-songs etc.
3. A nice crispness about the language, suggestive of spring.
For me, the rhythm is a tad awkward. Partly, I think it's the grammar of L1 of s1/3. In S1, the lack of article seems to wrong-foot the reader, somehow, and in s3 the lack of pronoun leads to a subjectless sentence. This isn't necessarily wrong, it's poetry after all, but it seems oddly irregular after the sober coherence of S2. Maybe you could (a) bring s1/3 into line with s2, or (b) make s2 consistent with the others (e.g. Hearing lorries...etc).
Anyway, interestng piece
cheers
peter
Hi Peter and Ray, sorry, didn't intend to ignore your question - but yes you've got the right meaning for 'buddy' - they're coming into bud (like something almost being said? PL?!) and perhaps they're a friendly sign of better things to come.....
First line too sibilant so I've changed it to 'brings' - hope thats better.
Take the point about the rhythm and I'll look at the grammar again,
Thanks,
Marc
First line too sibilant so I've changed it to 'brings' - hope thats better.
Take the point about the rhythm and I'll look at the grammar again,
Thanks,
Marc
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brianedwards
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Hi Marc, nice to see you about the place again. I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if I'm repeating here, but I think the poem is far stronger if you switch the current S1 and 2.
B.
B.
Hi Brian and thanks.
I suppose the second stanza is stronger, but to me the poem makes more sense constructed this way - and the first stanza introduces the movement past the equinox which is what it's all about... I'll think about it though.
Meanwhile couple more amendments. (Sorry, I've changed back to 'slip' from 'shift' - shift is too obvious to my ear...)
Thanks
Marc
I suppose the second stanza is stronger, but to me the poem makes more sense constructed this way - and the first stanza introduces the movement past the equinox which is what it's all about... I'll think about it though.
Meanwhile couple more amendments. (Sorry, I've changed back to 'slip' from 'shift' - shift is too obvious to my ear...)
Thanks
Marc
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brianedwards
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I think you know my feelings on the importance of making sense Marc!Marc wrote: to me the poem makes more sense constructed this way
Ha! Overrated if I recall correctly? 
Marc
P.s. glad to hear you're ok!
Marc
P.s. glad to hear you're ok!
Hi,
Some really good lines here - liked the 'humming drone songs through skinny air,' especially. I like the metre here: trochee, spondee, iamb, iamb. I would like to see it a bit more consistent throughout the poem. The alternate rhyme in the second stanza is unexpected. I think 'budding' is better than 'buddy,' personally, buddy draws a lot of attention to itself. This sounds quite negative but I do really like a great deal of it - I think the slip of balance and the way of exploring Spring this way is really good.
Regards,
Rich
Some really good lines here - liked the 'humming drone songs through skinny air,' especially. I like the metre here: trochee, spondee, iamb, iamb. I would like to see it a bit more consistent throughout the poem. The alternate rhyme in the second stanza is unexpected. I think 'budding' is better than 'buddy,' personally, buddy draws a lot of attention to itself. This sounds quite negative but I do really like a great deal of it - I think the slip of balance and the way of exploring Spring this way is really good.
Regards,
Rich
bez prace, nejsou kolaci - without work, there are no cakes (Czech proverb)
Good call Rich.
In retrospect Buddy is trying too hard - change made.
Re the ryhme - it's picking up on the last line of 1st and 3rd stanzas too - and being the sad structuralist I am I've also got same number of syllables in first lines of each stanza (and last lines). But maybe would be better to concentrate more on my Iambs rather than an old fashioned syllable count!!
Thanks
Marc
(Mary had a little iamb
but she couldn't make it fit -
So when she wrote about her lamb
her poem turned out shit!
Other versions of this rhyme are available...)
In retrospect Buddy is trying too hard - change made.
Re the ryhme - it's picking up on the last line of 1st and 3rd stanzas too - and being the sad structuralist I am I've also got same number of syllables in first lines of each stanza (and last lines). But maybe would be better to concentrate more on my Iambs rather than an old fashioned syllable count!!
Thanks
Marc
(Mary had a little iamb
but she couldn't make it fit -
So when she wrote about her lamb
her poem turned out shit!
Other versions of this rhyme are available...)