Things upon things upon things upon things,
clothes on the card and innumerable sins,
spending the money it gives you the pins
and needles of things upon things.
Stuff upon stuff upon stuff upon stuff.
You have a whole pile, can't that be enough?
We dont have the money, and that can be tough,
When it's stuff upon stuff that you need.
Will not a need it's a want suceed?
I'm sick of the driving won't you take the lead?
Or would that commanding only serve to impede,
your need of need upon need?
Lieu upon lieu upon lieu upon lieu,
we can't keep on giving those someone will sue,
but the card keeps on swiping, you dont have a clue,
and only because you want something new.
The irony is all we need's me and you,
but it's lieu upon lieu that has taken us through,
and now it's the end and there's nothing to do,
but pay up the leau,
The stuff and the things,
this is where it's all come to, it's where it all ends,
a bubble of fortune, and a fish eye lens,
the wallet's disorted and the money distends,
so now it all ends, it just ends.
Things upon things
Not too rubbish at all. I like the energy and the drive of it. I think it might very well appeal to Ray, our (if I can say our) leading performance poet. Ray, your thoughts, sir? It's really not bad, is it?
Cheers
David
Cheers
David
I would say not rubbish, nope, definitely not rubbish, just in need of some fine tuning.
I really like the repeating upon lines, and I like that S1, S2 S4 start like this and S3 ends like this. But then S5 and S6 lose this form, and with it they lose structure, especially S6 which ends up being 5 lines long, these last two stanzas really need some thought.
Why does it give you pins and needles? This sounds nice but doesn't make sense to me. The fish eye lens also stands out like a sore thumb.
I really liked the need vs. want bit, and the only buying because you want something new. I liked the wallet distorting and money distending, although I have no idea what you mean.
As you say yourself it reads as a first outpouring. I'd spend some time thinking about what you want to say and then revisit the structure. I think it would be worth it, I really do. And probably not that difficult.
I've no idea if that's helpful, I'm just learning too, but I know what I like and on the whole I enjoyed it, just stumbled a bit too much,
Nicky B.
I really like the repeating upon lines, and I like that S1, S2 S4 start like this and S3 ends like this. But then S5 and S6 lose this form, and with it they lose structure, especially S6 which ends up being 5 lines long, these last two stanzas really need some thought.
Why does it give you pins and needles? This sounds nice but doesn't make sense to me. The fish eye lens also stands out like a sore thumb.
I really liked the need vs. want bit, and the only buying because you want something new. I liked the wallet distorting and money distending, although I have no idea what you mean.
As you say yourself it reads as a first outpouring. I'd spend some time thinking about what you want to say and then revisit the structure. I think it would be worth it, I really do. And probably not that difficult.
I've no idea if that's helpful, I'm just learning too, but I know what I like and on the whole I enjoyed it, just stumbled a bit too much,
Nicky B.
Hello, Hello...
Thank you very much!
Well.. the last two stanzas I was wondering how to form because the flow of the length of lines flows, but I couldn't decide how to write them.. this might make more sense to a reader:
The irony is all we need's me and you,
but it's lieu upon lieu that has taken us through,
and now it's the end and there's nothing to do,
but pay up the leau, the stuff and the things,
this is where it's all come to, it's where it all ends,
a bubble of fortune, and a fish eye lens,
the wallet's disorted and the money distends,
so now it all ends, it just ends.
^ Because in this form it keeps it's original 4 line per verse structure and the lines are all the same length.
I snipped off "the stuff and the things" off and pasted it at the front of the last stanza because it rhymed with ends, lens, etc.
Hmm.. I will definately think more about the words in these last two, and bring it to a nicer end. Thinking about the fish eye lens, I'm also not sure what I meant there.. I guess I'm trying to point out how people's perception of things can be so fundamentally distorted that they can be disconnected from reality- ie: bubble of fortune (a bubble is disconnected from the rest of us), fish eye lens (this isn't how everyone else sees), distorted wallet (it's not the kind of wallet everyone is usually carrying around, it's so out of shape with the rest of reality), distend (again- expanded by stretching is the dictionary definition!!)..... so that's the ideas behind these lines I guess..
But I also think fish eye lens might sound a bit contrived, and I dont actually like the way I've used end(s) in there so many times either, it's messy.
Thank you very much!
Well.. the last two stanzas I was wondering how to form because the flow of the length of lines flows, but I couldn't decide how to write them.. this might make more sense to a reader:
The irony is all we need's me and you,
but it's lieu upon lieu that has taken us through,
and now it's the end and there's nothing to do,
but pay up the leau, the stuff and the things,
this is where it's all come to, it's where it all ends,
a bubble of fortune, and a fish eye lens,
the wallet's disorted and the money distends,
so now it all ends, it just ends.
^ Because in this form it keeps it's original 4 line per verse structure and the lines are all the same length.
I snipped off "the stuff and the things" off and pasted it at the front of the last stanza because it rhymed with ends, lens, etc.
Hmm.. I will definately think more about the words in these last two, and bring it to a nicer end. Thinking about the fish eye lens, I'm also not sure what I meant there.. I guess I'm trying to point out how people's perception of things can be so fundamentally distorted that they can be disconnected from reality- ie: bubble of fortune (a bubble is disconnected from the rest of us), fish eye lens (this isn't how everyone else sees), distorted wallet (it's not the kind of wallet everyone is usually carrying around, it's so out of shape with the rest of reality), distend (again- expanded by stretching is the dictionary definition!!)..... so that's the ideas behind these lines I guess..
But I also think fish eye lens might sound a bit contrived, and I dont actually like the way I've used end(s) in there so many times either, it's messy.
Hullo Shi Tong
To help out:
I think the fish eye lens bit is good in the context of distortion.
From the right angle that type of lens can make a small wallet look huge - your money grows into huge piles, so to speak.
previous stanza
e.g. '....all we need's me and you......'
?
J.
To help out:
I think the fish eye lens bit is good in the context of distortion.
From the right angle that type of lens can make a small wallet look huge - your money grows into huge piles, so to speak.
previous stanza
e.g. '....all we need's me and you......'
?
J.
Before you shave with Occam’s razor - Try epilation or microlaser
John,
Thanks
Well, the "all we needs me and you" is the ironic way that people spend huge amounts of money in order to satisfy some strange "need" they have.. the emotional hole is there, so patch it with stuff instead of dealing with it.
I mean- I dont need anything if I have a loved one, and I mean.. a LOVED one by my side, and I needn't spend a single penny other than a bit of good food and their company. So all we need is me and you, and none of the stuff.
Anyway.. I will think about it again and think about possible revisions. Thanks for the input
Thanks
Well, the "all we needs me and you" is the ironic way that people spend huge amounts of money in order to satisfy some strange "need" they have.. the emotional hole is there, so patch it with stuff instead of dealing with it.
I mean- I dont need anything if I have a loved one, and I mean.. a LOVED one by my side, and I needn't spend a single penny other than a bit of good food and their company. So all we need is me and you, and none of the stuff.
Anyway.. I will think about it again and think about possible revisions. Thanks for the input