He’s got puppy fat weirdness
unbalancing his hair
a gut like a darts player
suspended in mid air
his teeth are fortresses
along a rocky path
his smile is therefore
closed for summer
there aft, the winter of his
discontent is bereft…
he speaks in child-adult tones
failing well in each
he plays geetar like a
minotaur, thank Greek.
That awkward age.
That awkward age.
by the stranger » Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:17 pm
He’s got puppy fat weirdness
unbalancing his hair----------------developing the individual withs some great writing;
a gut like a darts player
suspended in mid air---------------a nice rotund landscape-----i like very much.
his teeth are fortresses
along a rocky path---------------this delicate position of the teeth, would he have trouble saying( s) so good
his smile is therefore
closed for summer--------------a very good line
there aft, the winter of his
discontent is bereft…-------------i'm not into using other's sayings, but i have, you must dig deep for yourself;
he speaks in child-adult tones
failing well in each---------------he could be mumbles on dick tracy.
he plays geetar like a
minotaur, thank Greek. a great finish;
over all i enjoyed your poem, it stands on its own in term of the speak;
it gave the poem a feeling we are dealing with a poet;
and there is a vibrant reality in the poem;
gavin
by the stranger » Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:17 pm
He’s got puppy fat weirdness
unbalancing his hair----------------developing the individual withs some great writing;
a gut like a darts player
suspended in mid air---------------a nice rotund landscape-----i like very much.
his teeth are fortresses
along a rocky path---------------this delicate position of the teeth, would he have trouble saying( s) so good
his smile is therefore
closed for summer--------------a very good line
there aft, the winter of his
discontent is bereft…-------------i'm not into using other's sayings, but i have, you must dig deep for yourself;
he speaks in child-adult tones
failing well in each---------------he could be mumbles on dick tracy.
he plays geetar like a
minotaur, thank Greek. a great finish;
over all i enjoyed your poem, it stands on its own in term of the speak;
it gave the poem a feeling we are dealing with a poet;
and there is a vibrant reality in the poem;
gavin
I really enjoyed this poem; I like how you characterized the discontent of youth in such playful and original ways. My favorite part was, "his teeth are fortresses along a rocky path." It gave me the feeling that he was smiling and clenching his jaw the entire time, due to the hypocrisy of venturing into adulthood and having to fake smiles. One thing I noticed as a reader, (which could be completely off) is that you seem to have a rhythm in some lines, and in others it gets interrupted. I am going to strike what I think should be revised, but feel free to disagree.
For example, I think it would sound better if you matched "He’s got puppy fat weirdness unbalancing his hair" with "a gut like a darts player
suspended in mid air."
"his teeth are fortresses along a rocky path" (Here I think his is unnecessary, since we already know that you're talking about him and it takes away from the rhythm.
I guess for me the "A's" and "his" kind of take away from the rhythm in some lines, however scanning is always different from person to person, so I may be completely off my rocker. (Or you could be such a craft-smith you wanted certain things stressed,and I lack the skill to realize that).
For example, I think it would sound better if you matched "He’s got puppy fat weirdness unbalancing his hair" with "a gut like a darts player
suspended in mid air."
"his teeth are fortresses along a rocky path" (Here I think his is unnecessary, since we already know that you're talking about him and it takes away from the rhythm.
I guess for me the "A's" and "his" kind of take away from the rhythm in some lines, however scanning is always different from person to person, so I may be completely off my rocker. (Or you could be such a craft-smith you wanted certain things stressed,and I lack the skill to realize that).
"As a general rule, people, even the wicked, are much more naïve and simple hearted then we may suppose. And we ourselves are, too."
[center]~Dostoevsky[/center]
[center]~Dostoevsky[/center]
-
Arian
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2718
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Any poem that includes the lines:
his smile is therefore
closed for summer
can't be all bad. Excellent words, indeed.
On the other hand, the good of the couplet is immediately undone by...
there aft, the winter of his
discontent is bereft…
..which leaves the reader (this reader, anyway) with the feeling that the poet is trying too hard to impress.
And do minotaurs play geetar? I had no idea. You learn something every day.
In all, a curate's egg. There's clear promise in terms of concept and expression, but a little lacking in narrative coherence.
Enjoyed reading it, though
peter
his smile is therefore
closed for summer
can't be all bad. Excellent words, indeed.
On the other hand, the good of the couplet is immediately undone by...
there aft, the winter of his
discontent is bereft…
..which leaves the reader (this reader, anyway) with the feeling that the poet is trying too hard to impress.
And do minotaurs play geetar? I had no idea. You learn something every day.
In all, a curate's egg. There's clear promise in terms of concept and expression, but a little lacking in narrative coherence.
Enjoyed reading it, though
peter
Parts good, parts not so good.
Promise is lurking.
I don't think you should borrow from WS because that shows poverty of originality.
Overall you part describe a man and contribute a part of a story in a poem.
J.
Promise is lurking.
I don't think you should borrow from WS because that shows poverty of originality.
Overall you part describe a man and contribute a part of a story in a poem.
J.
Before you shave with Occam’s razor - Try epilation or microlaser
-
the stranger
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 324
- Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2004 4:40 am
Thanks people.
Yes I agree the Shakey reference was a bit naff really, and Peter I can see how it may come across as "trying too hard to impress" but it certainly wasn't meant in that way. If I was trying to impress I'd have quoted some obscure author, and hoped someone picked up on it, that's the impressing game as far I as can see.
Oh yes minotaurs play a wicked geetar. They use it to lure victims, much like a siren.
"I like how you characterized the discontent of youth in such playful and original ways"
Thanks Milu, glad that came across, for it was the whole point of the poem. I'll contemplate the rythmic stumbling blocks, ta.
JohnLott - "Overall you part describe a man" - see above.
cheers
TS aka Camus.
Yes I agree the Shakey reference was a bit naff really, and Peter I can see how it may come across as "trying too hard to impress" but it certainly wasn't meant in that way. If I was trying to impress I'd have quoted some obscure author, and hoped someone picked up on it, that's the impressing game as far I as can see.
Oh yes minotaurs play a wicked geetar. They use it to lure victims, much like a siren.
"I like how you characterized the discontent of youth in such playful and original ways"
Thanks Milu, glad that came across, for it was the whole point of the poem. I'll contemplate the rythmic stumbling blocks, ta.
JohnLott - "Overall you part describe a man" - see above.
cheers
TS aka Camus.
I really liked the first two stanza, especially the puppy fat weirdness unbalancing his hair - that's a great image.
The fact these two stanzas rhyme, but the rest don't, really threw me off rhythm. You're looking for a rhyme with path and get summer. But saying that I did like the content of both S3 and S4, they just don't flow too well with the previous. I personally would say either rhyme at the ends or don't, but I really have no clue, and am probably wrong about this.
As has been established S5 is a bit ick - sorry. I'd just delete this all together.
S6 is good, although I'd prefer "speaking child-adult tones" .That line is a bit long at the moment.
I love "geetar like a minotaur", but not "thank greek". It just feels a bit bumpy. Like you're on a escalator and forget to move your feet when you get to the end. Also this line confuses me slightly are you implying that minotaurs play good geetar? My feeling would be that, like most teenagers, they are enthusiastic in their strumming revelry but not necessarily talented. So why "thank greek"?
Overall I really enjoyed parts of it - lots of great images. Hope I haven't been too critical? Just some thoughts.
Cheers,
Nicky B.
The fact these two stanzas rhyme, but the rest don't, really threw me off rhythm. You're looking for a rhyme with path and get summer. But saying that I did like the content of both S3 and S4, they just don't flow too well with the previous. I personally would say either rhyme at the ends or don't, but I really have no clue, and am probably wrong about this.
As has been established S5 is a bit ick - sorry. I'd just delete this all together.
S6 is good, although I'd prefer "speaking child-adult tones" .That line is a bit long at the moment.
I love "geetar like a minotaur", but not "thank greek". It just feels a bit bumpy. Like you're on a escalator and forget to move your feet when you get to the end. Also this line confuses me slightly are you implying that minotaurs play good geetar? My feeling would be that, like most teenagers, they are enthusiastic in their strumming revelry but not necessarily talented. So why "thank greek"?
Overall I really enjoyed parts of it - lots of great images. Hope I haven't been too critical? Just some thoughts.
Cheers,
Nicky B.