Insomnia (edited and retitled)

[RichardSanders]

V2
Drifting up to Van Gogh skies
where blood drums beat on marble walls
in the vacant halls of sanity.
They pulse and wave like rubber sheets
as pixies move on edge of vision.
To catch them is my binding mission
'till vertigo robs me of cohesion.

When Van Gogh swirls turn Dali creatures;
their spindly legs into the sky;
strummed like snares discordantly.
The world feels like a soft emulsion
yet sleep remains a breath away
and reality's warped by deprivation
of many night's required embrace.


V1.
Drifting upwards to Van Gogh skies
weightlessly falling inside my room
where blood drums beat in marble halls
where stars and I are burning bright
and galaxies join me in my flight.

I diffuse and loose cohesion
I pulse and wave like a rubber sheet
inside my head so full of heat
so full of light and clarity
detached and free of sanity.

Where pixies move on edge of vision
mythagos shifting with my eyes
to catch them turns into obsession
with bloodbeat speed they jump and dive
'till vertigo draws me from my mission

Van Gogh swirls turn Dhali creatures
Spindly legs into the sky
strummed like snares with constant rhythm
the bloodbeat drums beat back the night
a flat spin fall returns my sight

The world is still a soft emulsion
I feel sleep's onset in my lungs
it weighs me down and draws me back
'till sleep is again a distant speck
and rest is revealed as an illusion.

[Sid Latchpoke]

John Smith's bitter gets me off to sleep, but I'm suspecting some of the harrowing incidences you've been experiencing are a symptom of lager consumption. Ghastly drink! I'm assuming Mythagos is a Greek Island? Never been to that one, but I used to be quite big in the Peloponnese.

[RichardSanders]

Hi Sid,

Thanks for the tip.

BTW "mythagos" is no island see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mythago_Wood#Mythagos
Worth a read if you like the fantasy genre.

Kindest
Richard

[RichardSanders]

An edit. Hope it's better.

Kindest,
Richard

[onlyifonly]

Hi Richard,
Nice. I especially liked

'The world feels like a soft emulsion
yet sleep remains a breath away
and reality's warped by deprivation
of many night's required embrace."

The warped reality from deprivation is something I suffer a lot with my insomnia so this really worked for me. Well done for capturing how it feels.

I am not sure about the rest (its not bad) but it does not relate the same feeling as the last part.

[RichardSanders]

Hi ifonly,

Thanks for your feedback.
As for the first part, I tried to depict a loss of my sense of reality due to lack of sleep.
At a centain point, when it gets bad enough, you can actually start hallucinating.
This is usually combined with a dull but pounding headache.

If this does not spark any recognition, either it's not written well or else count yourself fortunate.
It helps to know at least a part of the poem sparks recognition in someone similarly afflicted.
It's not finished I think, but I'm stuck at the moment, not knowing what to improve.

Kindest,
Richard.

[onlyifonly]

Richard,
I understand. I think I got to wrapped up in my insomnia lol. For me,3rd night no sleep, the reality warps. So the room literally moves for me hence my experience is very much like the last part. But I get the hallucinations references.

If your stuck on what to do with it the best thing is to sleep on it! Lol. Sorry

[kozmikdave]

Hi Richard

I prefer the revised edition. Good imagery in both versions, but (dare I say it) crisper in the second.

My only real criticism is the last line of the first stanza. The metre is not consistant with the other lines. (...or perhaps it is my accent which makes it so jarring!)

Overall, a pleasurable read.

[RichardSanders]

Hi Dave,

Thanks for your feedback.
I'll look into the meter on the last line of S1.

Kindest,
Richard

[RichardSanders]

Hi ifonly,

I'm glad to say, I have slept on it last night (a few hours).
Still stuck though.

Kindest,
Richard.