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-
lemur
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 138
- Joined: Thu Oct 06, 2005 12:40 pm
- Location: Edinburgh, traitor that I am
Hi Saul,
I liked the feel to this one, the way it made me sort of curious in imagining the scene.
Wasn't too keen on the first stanza - I couldn't see how pomp and ceremony were antonyms, and didn't really get the stubbed toe reference. Liked the second stanza though, and imagined the person blindfolded, linked in with the red rag. The third stanza lost me a bit - I got the impression you were setting a very private scene, emphasised by the last line where I didn't know what it was you were dropping.
Overall I liked it though - it's a great title as well.
I liked the feel to this one, the way it made me sort of curious in imagining the scene.
Wasn't too keen on the first stanza - I couldn't see how pomp and ceremony were antonyms, and didn't really get the stubbed toe reference. Liked the second stanza though, and imagined the person blindfolded, linked in with the red rag. The third stanza lost me a bit - I got the impression you were setting a very private scene, emphasised by the last line where I didn't know what it was you were dropping.
Overall I liked it though - it's a great title as well.
The bull won't charge, the fish won't bite - the lady refuses to be drawn into a row. The second verse shows the frustration of being 'seen through' and ignored. I like the third verse where you are calming down with everything around you - then she gets up and leaves, leaving you infuriated and full of self-disgust. They have a way of doing things like this, don't they?
'............You sit there blind
to it, feet drawing circles in the lake. - The essence. How frustratingly annoying! (btw, you have put a comma after 'blind')
nice one
'............You sit there blind
to it, feet drawing circles in the lake. - The essence. How frustratingly annoying! (btw, you have put a comma after 'blind')
nice one
yes Saul this is my favorite of yours.
The rhyme is present, but not overpowering.
Wind sings through the park,
You could come up with another word for "wind" since you already used wind once?
the evening sky is peach makes the whole thing worth it for me.
Well done,
- Caleb
The rhyme is present, but not overpowering.
Wind sings through the park,
You could come up with another word for "wind" since you already used wind once?
the evening sky is peach makes the whole thing worth it for me.
Well done,
- Caleb
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein