Coin Operated

[twoleftfeet]

Seeing how popular "Moon" poems are, (especially with Brian ) I though I'd disinter this oldie
(originally posted 5 years ago!) and give it a tweak.

COIN OPERATED
""""""""""""""""""""""

The regal midnight moon
observes the stately sail-past
of the navy clouds
with her pound-coin face.

Soon the bank appears to slow,
winding down,
so she slips her cable
to slide in silence

through a slot and
disappear in darkness
among the cosmic cogs
and gears.

Lunar wheels and levers move
- she drops down smoothly
through a lamp-lit hatch
having fed the meter for

another month.
In Heaven - Holst erupts
from the jukebox, bringing
joy to Angel ears.

.................................................................

[Ros]

I like this, Geoff. I'd like to see you try it in a regular meter - you start out that way in the first couple of lines and then don't continue. Plus I'd lose 'bringing/joy to Angel ears' and let the reader guess that part. Oh, and I find the gap in winding down just irritating...

Great idea - bash it into shape a bit.

Ros

[Antcliff]

Hi
I like "pound faced" moon..
Not sure about ending though...why were the angels short on joy before?
Ant

[brianedwards]

Well, of course there are some themes and motifs that have been written about a million times and need handling with care. It's all in the treatment isn't it? The idea of the moon being a coin slipped into some kind of cosmic slot machine is interesting and original and the basis for a good poem. The denouement reads like a bit of a lazy cop out to me, but then I'm obviously going to balk at the mention of heaven, angels and joy. Aren't you also mixing your metaphors a bit, with the mention of the electric (I presume) meter and then the jukebox?

Ditto Ros regards that extra space. Not keen on "regal" either.
I'd like to see you take that coin/slot machine idea and really run with it.

B.

[twoleftfeet]

Thanks, Ros

Who'd have thought that a single depression of the space bar could have such an effect?

It was an after-thought - I see what you mean - it's gone!

The original ending was
In Heaven
Holst comes on the jukebox

How much knowledge of classical music should one take for granted in the reader, I wonder?
Would you have got "Jupiter" from "erupts"? I think some people would have guessed "Mars", but it has to be Jupiter.
The power's back on! Hooray!

[twoleftfeet]

Ant,

Glad you liked at least part of it.

wrt "Joy" - see the above post

Geoff

[twoleftfeet]

Well, of course there are some themes and motifs that have been written about a million times and need handling with care. It's all in the treatment isn't it? The idea of the moon being a coin slipped into some kind of cosmic slot machine is interesting and original and the basis for a good poem.
B.

Strangely enough, Brian, I looked out of the window at midnight, and Nature provided me with the material - it was stunning.

The denouement reads like a bit of a lazy cop out to me, but then I'm obviously going to balk at the mention of heaven, angels and joy.
B.

Did I mention that the light (as the moon dropped through the hatch) was diaphanous?

Aren't you also mixing your metaphors a bit, with the mention of the electric (I presume) meter and then the jukebox?
B.

While this is true, you have to appreciate that the Geoffreyverse works in strange ways.
Essentially it is modeled on the Newtonian clockwork universe, but the springs are too big to be wound by hand, so there
is an electrically powered motor specifically for that task. In addition, all light is electric. HTH.

I'd like to see you take that coin/slot machine idea and really run with it.
B.

Here I go, running down the road with a slot machine full of pound coins, pursued by the fuzz..

Geoff

[ray miller]

I liked this, Geoff. I'd like it better without the last 3 lines, though. I'd take out "in darkness" as well. It's a fine concept, though, and nicely executed.

[twoleftfeet]

Thanks, Ray, I'm glad you like it.

You know about these things - does writing a weird lunar poem qualify me as a loony?

You have a point with "in darkness" - I just need to emphasise that when the moon goes behind the thick cloud bank the
scene, to N, becomes almost invisible.

As for the ending - it remains problematic.
I would prefer a "big ending" to show that normal service has now been resumed.
Think "power-cut while you're watching the big match" -
Then the power comes back : cue the celebrations.
Think "2001 Space Oddity theme" (or "Jupiter - Bringer of Jollity" because it affords the cheap wordplay).

Geoff

[Arian]

A lot to admire here, Geoff. Like Brian, I especially liked

having fed the meter for
another month.

Brilliant!

Unlike Bri, I'm not sure I'd like to see the idea as a central notion. It could be easily overworked. On the other hand, you're the poet - why not give it a try!

Cheers
peter

[ray miller]

Thanks, Ray, I'm glad you like it.You know about these things - does writing a weird lunar poem qualify me as a loony?

No. But there are so many other things that do.

I meant to say that the feeding of the meter for another month is wonderful - that's why I thought it ought to end there. cosmic cogs and gears is nice too.

[twoleftfeet]

Thanks, Peter
I fear that if I overwork my brain on this notion then the mainspring is likely to go.

Thanks, Ray
- for a moment there I thought you might actually be suggesting that I'm sane:
that would have shattered my hitherto good impression of your professional competence.

[David]

Cosmology as an old-fashioned amusement arcade game. I like it.

Cheers

David

[twoleftfeet]

Thanks, David

I'd love to have some of those old machines that took 1p (old pennies, that is) - I'm a simple soul.

[David]

1d!

[twoleftfeet]

1d!

DOH! Of course!

[thetwatinthehat]

Loved the whole poem, especially th use of sibilance (is that the term? spellchecker says not). Also enjoyed in v4, the relaxing use of the letter l (esp. lamp-lit) giving the feeling that all is well, then that final celebration.