A fictional disparity (was - On reading separate books)

[Elphin]

Hello Nash

The original for me and I do think the dog has its place. Keep the balls too and definitely the original title - the language if the new one is too complex for the poem.

Would you think about some white space - breaking into intro on the settee, your book, her book, the dog. Or maybe just break the intro into a separate stanza and leave the reading entwined.

Just a thought

I enjoyed this.

Elph

[brianedwards]

I'm torn at the moment Nash. I think you need the line about inhabiting different worlds if you change the title. I'd also, if mine, use the uncontracted "we are" in L7.

B.

[Suzanne]

Nash! What a complex poem this has shown itself to be!
I think it is a good sign that there are so many different opinions. You have found a slice of life that we all understand and want to get comfortable in. How you choose to "finish" it will be interesting.

Suzanne

[Nash]

Apologies for not getting back sooner everyone and thankyou for all of your comments.

Bit of a sad attempt at a rewrite I think, I didn't really do Geoff's suggestion justice. Like John said, it's lost any warmth that it had in the first place. I haven't had much time to think about it over the last few days (or anything else) so I'm going to put it to bed for a while and come back to it. I like the idea of it but it's not doing what I want at the moment.

Thanks again for your comments folks, very helpful.

Cheers,
Nash.

p.s. No apologies necessary David, call 'em as you see 'em.