Those words

[courage my boy]

A poem I wrote recently about a break up that happened recently, boo hoo its still a bit flabby but need to put it to bed, so I can write some more uplifting words. Happy new year one and all!

Let me hear those words again
the ones you said in between the pain.
That poured through my heart like rain
and trickled shattered my soul.
Yesterday today and then
all sacrificed as your eyes were so cold.
You told me you don't want to be here
this time, today, last month, and the new year.
So i turned to the next page
and read the words you hear, goodbye.

[gavin]

This is inexhaustible bull.
Trying to change led into gold.
What makes you think you’re a poet?
The poem is furnished with clichés
A wanker’s son turned poet.
Your rhyming scream is out and forced.
If you want to right poetry come up with something different;

(But never, never ever, give up! Never ever give up!)

Read it, live it, buy a book, have a look at David’s poem
“Morning over Chabbanagh,” have a look at ray millers” roll up,”
Two totally different personality but their poems are just so beautiful
They break the philosophical vacuum of beauty and real life.
Read Edmund spencer the “faerie queen:, read Tenennsion the “lady of shallot “
Write like a poet, don’t stand there and shake your willy at me.

[RichardSanders]

Although I agree with Gavin that this is not a very good piece,
I wholeheartedly disagree with the way Gavin voices his opinion.

Gavin, have some respect!
This is a workshop.
People are here to learn and grow.
You may have critique on the work but please have some respect for the author.

Your veined superiority may get you banned from the forum if you keep insisting on name-calling, profanities and your obvious confrontational language.
Why not try and temper your emotions a bit when writing a crit. It's not like every piece is an attack on your person. So why attack the author?
You are really pushing the boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

To the author: Have heart. It's not a total loss. Just try to make your metaphors less common and stay away from platitudes and clichés like; my heart, my soul, your eyes, turn the page.


Kindest,
Richard.

[gavin]

sanders

you used the first 7 lines of my crit in your woffle but did not use the other,

your stupidity is ambition's ladder, i stand by what i say;


all the new starts end up frustrated by the over-weight, one or two lines by the curates who know about poetry
so generously flouted as confity crits and so the turn over is great in beginners;

while the poerty curates hide away in for pg eyes only so they can be published in some obscure vis

i want him to stand be a man and write poetry. not bullshit procted by the likes of you,

fight for you, what you can conqure it,s doggele rhyme;

i don't want him to go away like all the reat from lack of attention.

[brianedwards]

A wanker’s son turned poet.

I mostly agree with your crit gavin, and your advice to read more poetry and "Never give up" certainly earns my support, but the above comment is totally inappropriate. Rein it in.

B.

[gavin]

then brain crit his poem

give him your interlect, your insight, give him your love of poetry,

i'll tell you something brain in austealian humor

i was working, bib and brace work, with a couple of mates on the badmanners

i said fuck i know a couple poetical summri, i wonder if they could fucking surf; or there fucking dead, fuck that be a loss,

i'll try and get on too them but you blew it out of the water,i asked "are you fucking dead";

all you had to say is "no,"

[brianedwards]

I have no idea what that means, but it is obviously nothing to do with the poem or with my warning to cease with the personal insults. Just back off Gavin and stick to the poetry.

B.

[Ros]

courage my boy, gavin has been banned for unacceptable behaviour. Please ignore his comments.

Ros

[twoleftfeet]

]I have no idea what that means, but it is obviously nothing to do with the poem or with my warning to cease with the personal insults. Just back off Gavin and stick to the poetry.

B.

It's English, Jim, but not as we know it!

CMB,

Don't give up.

It is a big ask to write about break-ups in a fresh way from an original angle and without recourse to well-worn expressions.

I would be inclined to try again, this time without the rhymes.

Bones

[RichardSanders]

Hi CMB,

Here's some ideas I got when rereading your poem.
(Of course it's your piece, your emotion, so feel free to disregard my comments)

That poured through my heart like rain
and trickled shattered my soul.

To me, this seems contradictory.
Rain is usually associated with cleansing and freshness.
You use it here in a different way.
I think maybe you where looking for something like this:
"that tore through my veins like shattered glass" (this too is a cliché perhaps but I don't want to deprive you of the chance to come up with your own original metaphor )
I would leave out the "soul" bit altogether. It's too much a platitude and cliché.

Yesterday today and then
all sacrificed as your eyes were so cold.

Maybe think of something like: "Yesterday today and then, all lost in the glacier of your eyes."
Again; a mere amateur's suggestion and hopefully a challenge to come up with something much better.

Hope it helps.

Kindest,
Richard.

[onlyifonly]

Firstly, thanks for banning Ros. I laughed. I have been away from the site for a long time and the last time I came back I read the same nonsense from Gavin and he was warned. So staggered that I returned and the first post I read (random pick) was the same. So thanks. I may now return more often.

CMB,
I used to write like this. Most people seem to start off this way. I still write this way sometimes although I am learning. I too went through some difficult times (its quite a common theme here) and writing helped a lot. When I published for the first time I got the same responses (all helpful but none as abusive as Gavin's).

What changed my writing was two things. Encouraged I read more and did a tutorial with a poet who helped a lot. The second point was I started to write things with the aim of writing about something that was not about how I felt. I also went back and tried to think of other images for what I wanted to say. I also got some help to avoid the habit of rhyme. Don't bother trying to rhyme. Just focus on finding ways to say things without being explicit.

Keep going though. I got a lot out of it.

[courage my boy]

I'm going to ignore gavins post as it seems rather pointless passing comment on what was a senseless attack.

Thank you to those who did critque and believe me your words will be heeded. I'll try and rewrite this minus the rhyming and also with some less cliched metaphors!

Just to state I am also not put off by gavin's words and will continue to write. Thanks again PG.

[RichardSanders]

Glad to hear it CMB. Welcome to pg.

[kozmikdave]

Entertaining replies on this one, CMB. (Does no one know how to use a spell checker?) You certainly got a reaction. I was struck by the unintelligibilty of it all. I am hoping young Gavin isn't representing Australians - I seemed to see some reference there.

Ah, but to your poem....

I was struck by...

Inconsistent metre - try something like -

Let me hear those words again -
the ones you said between the pain,
pouring through my heart like rain
that trickled, shattering my soul.
(just an example for the first four lines.)
[Maybe a stronger word than "trickled", or...]

pouring through my heart like hail,
shattering my soul.

Cliche - but only a smidge

pain ==> rain (don't go there!)

Lack of punctuation - it really doesn't make any sense in places

Yesterday today and then
all sacrificed as your eyes were so cold.
You told me you don't want to be here
this time, today, last month, and the new year.

(I have no idea what sacrificed is doing in there. I assume it would make sence if it was puctuated. I also added some punctuation to the first four lines I toyed with above.)

The ending - (falls a bit flat)

So i turned to the next page
and read the words you hear, goodbye.

"Turn the page" does go with the new year but it is also very cliche. You introduce a new idea, "reading the words you hear" in the last line. Who is "you"? I'm just left questioning at the end.

I hope this crit doesn't make you feel hopeless. All I'm trying to suggest is that you read through what you have written several times before you post it and make sure you understand how others will read it. Other poets will help you to refine your ideas, which are essentially pretty good. Once you start polishing, you will be much happier with your work.