Contrast (retitled)

[RichardSanders]

A storm births a wave and the ocean rises.
The reaper rides the foaming crest.
Eyes radiating the brilliance of mortality
like golden spirals on the shepherd's staff.
Each notch representing a lifetime of beauty
defined
by the contrary.

[Moth]

A tsunami? A portrayal of how the victims must feel moments prior to death when life is consciously seen as the ultimate thing of beauty. It's a good piece, just not sure about the title. Neeltje Jans - sea goddess, no mention of the feminine in the poem.

[RichardSanders]

Hi Moth,

Your almost right. It's about the Dutch flood/storm surge of 1953.
Neeltje Jans is the artificial island created afterwards for the protective dam.
It's also the name of the museum in commemoration of the flood and the creation of the dam.

As for the tittle, I'm not sure of it myself. I was the best I could come up with.

Kindest,
Richard.

[RichardSanders]

Still troubled with the title.

[Sandbanx]

Read this with some interest Richard.....

This line:

'His eye-sockets radiate the brilliance of mortality"

I don't see "sockets" (which I would think of as dark holes), radiating, when "eyes" would be fine.

I' would also lose the word "his" in the same sentence... You've already introduced him in the prior line.

"Eyes radiating the brillaince of mortallity"

???

just a thought.

[RichardSanders]

Hi banx,

I took your advise.
It does seem to work better.
Thanks for your input.

Kindest,

Richard

[gavin]

A storm births a wave and the ocean rises.
The reaper rides the foaming crest.
Eyes radiating the brilliance of mortality
like golden spirals on the shepherd's staff.
Each notch representing a lifetime of beauty
Defined

There is nothing here that is very interesting
It full of cliques
Storms do not give births to waves, it’s the surface tension caused by wind.
The ocean rises because of tidal movement,
One cannot surf the foaming crest of a wave because its structure is mainly air bubbles.
Who eyes are radiating what bullshit
Golden spirals on the shepherd’s staff a shepherd’s staff is always wood. Unless you are referring to the pope,
Hop notch bullshit. each notch on thin air.

Now your poem there is some out outstanding thoughts with in the poem. But you become unbridled and came up with dull chronicles that are quite, should remain quite;
Having battered your poem you have some good ideas.

[RichardSanders]

Hi Gavin,

Thanks for your non-constructive insights.
I hope you don't mind I won't dwell on them for to long.
At first I was inclined to ignore your response but then I remembered, learning is a two way street so...

I would like you to understand; a metaphor is not something to interpret literally.
The reaper (a metaphor by it's very definition), does not literally ride a surfboard atop the wave. The wave carries imminent death for some in it's existence.
Eyes (of the reaper) radiating the brilliance of mortality; How much more obviously metaphorical can it get?

Perhaps less obvious:
The historical use of notches on a shepherd's staff is to keep track of a flock of sheep. Each sheep lost is represented by a notch in the staff.
(Also, in some cases it was used to keep track of time. Each notch, a day in the field.)
Perhaps some knowledge of the story of Mozes (referenced by the golden spiral or "God's spiral") is required to understand the metaphors in this piece too.
Mozes guiding "his flock" his people through the desert is said to have used a shepherd's staff in the same way to keep track of the people he lost along the way to the promised land.
And yes a shepherd's staff is wood. And no a "Golden Spiral" is not made of gold. It's a spiral form based on the Fibonacci sequence which many numerologists believe is scientific proof of a "Grand design" of the universe and thus proof of the existence of a godlike creator.

As for each notch representing the beauty of life. That's a basic reference to the idea that there can be no light without darkness to define it, no life without death; no happiness without suffering. Basically it says, everything is more acute when contrasted against it's opposite and man needs the bad to appreciate the good.

As for the formation of waves and the rising ocean;
Maybe you should look up "storm surge", before you try telling a Dutchman anything about how the sea or the ocean works.

Seriously, I don't think "battering" should be your goal when writing feedback. Try something more constructive next time.

No hard feelings though.

Kindest,
Richard.

[onlyifonly]

Richard,
Its funny (im not picking on your poems) that I keep coming across your work on the forum and liking it. This is my favourite so far. Not sure of the protocol on the site but I thought the original was supposed to stay on and any changes (new versions) published below. I was wondering what they were talking about re sockets.

If I were to be very very picky I sort of loose the chain of references. The reaper -> eyes brilliant -> golden spirals on staff -> shepherd staff has notches -> each notch ... Its a long chain. First thing comes to mind is maybe use of reaper scythe with notches like the shepherd's staff.
Eye's radiating the brilliance of mortality maybe does not need the 'like' which seems contrived to keep the chain to the image of staff with notches.

But I am really really really trying hard to find someway of improving it and I still think that perhaps your version is fine.

S

[RichardSanders]

Hi OiO,

I'm pleased to hear you like my work even though I'm still very much a beginner.
As for the protocol of the site, you're right I have strayed a bit.
Very small edits like spelling or grammar adjustments can be done in place.
Rewrites really should be kept separate from the original.
In this one, I only changes "his eye-sockets radiate" to "eyes radiating".
This one is actually based on a piece I posted before named Fibonacci wave.
You can look it up if you want to see the entire evolution.
Because of a shift in focus, approach and structure, I decided to post Contrast as a separate piece.

I'll take a look at your suggestion of the scythe. The reference of the golden spirals seems to be missed by most readers so perhaps, I should lose that bit.
Thanks for your thoughts.

Kindest,
Richard.

[anaisnais]

Hi there Richard, I read your piece with interest as I have written similarly in the past only on Tsunami... and can comfortably relate with much of what is written and the deeper meaning and messages of promise and hope it holds within... However, forgive me it could just be me but I am struggling to get my head around " 'brilliance' of mortality" - I think it is the word brilliance that does not sit right with me, I just cannot quite get there - others may disagree... Hope this is of some use, for in this instance is all I can offer up I'm afraid. Thanks for the pleasure of sharing...

[RichardSanders]

Hi Anias,

Thanks for your feedback.
I know a good poem does not need explanation but...

with "the brilliance of mortality" and with this poem as a whole I tried to convey the idea that mortality is an integral and essential part of our humanity.
Without it, we would not appreciate life as we do. Being confronted with our mortality in the form of a tsunami or stormsurge flood, accentuates our appreciation of live and the beauty of it.
In short, it's the contrast between life and death that gives value to life.

Does "the brilliance" fit in this perspective or does it remain 'off', to you? I'd be very interested to know.

Kindest,
Richard.

[Elphin]

Hello Richard

I am not sure if I have commented on your work before. I find this quite appealing, a lot is said or alluded to in such a short piece.

I wanted to offer one thought. I believe poems on generic events like storms or ones that address the big concepts of life and death are more effective if they are grounded in the particular, so for me your Neeltje Jans title does that and if you could refer to some particular aspect of that storm in the poem then even better.

Keep posting

Elph

[RichardSanders]

Hi Elph,

Thanks for your feedback.
I'll have a good think on your suggestion.

Kindest,
Richard.

[anaisnais]

Hi Richard, thanks for coming back on that - and yes thought that was to which you were referring - if am honest though 'brilliance' is not a word I would ever use with morality but is a very personal choice and says something about the individual author I think - so nothing wrong with it, just not a perspective that I would share... Each to their own and all that... It does in a way kind of add to the sickening side of life being obliterated by this wall of terror that takes all in its wake though so does give some weight even from my re-reading today though. Hope this is someway helpful? Respectfully...

[RichardSanders]

Hi Anais,

Thanks for your elaboration. I'll have another serious think on the choice of the word brilliance.
Maybe there is room for improvement.

Kindest,
Richard.