No need have I - (edited and still considering?)

[anaisnais]

My eyes are roses on my face,
they’re in full bloom right now;
no need have I to water them,
they've quite sufficent to grow!

My heart and soul slumped out tonight,
I’d packed them tight in your case;
I’ve had enough troubles and strife,
so I’m cleaning out this place.

No more heart ache, pain – nor sorrow
as I nurse more breaks and wounds.
We won’t make up some tomorrow,
for friendship – there is no room.

You’ve hard pressed forbidden buttons,
caused a canyon way too deep
and through it there flows a river;
where even it's heard me weep.

Frightened I crouched in corners there,
guarding my face and body,
from the person I thought did care,
wanting death to fall on me.

But scarcely I fought back at it
thought that you would see some sense,
then once more drinking, you would hit;
how could I have been so dense?

Now stronger I see you the fool,
losing everything you'd had.
Your Lady is your drink – your tool;
it is pickling you up bad!

Now I have grown thorns within me,
they've built barriers over time,
they cling to me – to protect me,
stop new hurts – now you’re not mine.

Oh, who am I to say I care?
Yes, bitter, hardened and through,
get out this Lionesses lair –
I have had my fill of you!





No need have I


My eyes are roses on my face,
they’re in full bloom right now;
no need have I to water them,
the've quite sufficent to grow!

My heart and soul slumped out tonight,
I’d packed them tight in your case;
I’ve had enough troubles and strife,
so I’m cleaning out this place.

No more pain – nor sorrow
as I nurse more breaks and wounds.
We won’t make up tomorrow,
for friendship – there is no room.

You’ve pressed forbidden buttons,
caused canyons way too deep
and through them there flows rivers;
where even they have heard me weep.

Frightened I crouched in corners there,
guarding my face and body,
from the one I thought did care,
thinking death would fall about me.

But scarcely I did make it
and thought that you’d seen sense,
then once more drinking, you would hit;
how could I have been so dense?

Now stronger I see you the fool,
for losing all you’d had.
Your Lady is your drink – your tool;
it’s pickling you up bad!

Now I’ve grown thorns within me,
that have built barriers over time,
they cling to me – protect me,
stop new hurts – now you’re not mine.

Oh, who am I to say I care?
Yes, bitter through and through,
get out this Lionesses lair –
I’ve had my fill of you!

[Tim Love]

"and through them there flows rivers;" and "But scarceley I did make it" contain typos. Is "they have quite suffice to grow!" correct English? The rhythm's irregular, and (like the inversions) rather jarring on my ear.

[anaisnais]

Hi Tim and thankyou for taking time out to mull over my poem... I appreciate the pointers made for my perusal, and whilst one slipped past me as typo - the 'and through them there flows rivers' I considered for a while before settling with it when writing. Now pointed out I see 'there flows a river' may be better and 'suffice' should be sufficent - technicalities I often miss in my own works unless reading considerably later on... hence my looking for critique. Will have to go back over the meter and think some more. Appreciate the informative feedback - most helpful and gives me room to think with it too... Thanks again.

[RichardSanders]

Hi anais,

I don't have much time but i'd like to give a small pointer.
Perhaps you can improve the piece by looking at where in the lines the emphasis is put.
Ex.
Line 2 the emphasis seems to be on the third syllable while in line 4 it seems to be on the fourth.
Because you start with abbreviations they're and they've, the emphases seem to get extra focus.
Bringing them in line with eachother will likely improve the smoothness of the read.

Hope it helps,

Kindest,
Richard.

[Tim Love]

To take the first stanza's re-write -

Line 1: Why not just "My eyes are roses"? We know eyes are on faces so "on my face" is padding. You could replace lines 1 and 2 by "My eyes are roses in full bloom"
Line 3: Why the inversion? Is the poem set in the past? Are we supposed to think the persona pretentious? Why not just "I have no need to water them"? Or "They need no watering"?
Line 4: Why "sufficent" (another typo) rather than "enough"? The latter fits the default rhythm better.

[anaisnais]

Thanks both, think I am going to go back to the drawing board with this one - it seems to have become more forced with each change I've made prior to putting it up online, perhaps getting away from trying to work with my first stanza and forcing myself to a degree - which shows up here quite badly, I may go over and see how I can make it look as free verse... Lots to chew over and is getting me back into writing mode once more... Again thankyou... appreciated.