Two swans

[RichardSanders]

V4.
Driving there,
I see two swans
mooning me;
tail-feathers in the air
in perfect synchronicity,
mocking my failure
to console my mother
over my father's...
Lymphoma.

V3.
Driving there,
I see two swans
mooning me;
tail-feathers in the air
in perfect synchronicity,
as if to mock my failure
to console my mother
about my father's...
Lymphoma.

V2.
Driving there,
I see two swans
mooning me;
tail-feathers in the air
in perfect synchronicity.
As if to show me the irony
of his genetic legacy
denying me the ability,
to console my mother
about my father's...
Lymphoma.

V1.
Driving there,
I see two swans
mooning me;
tail-feathers in the air
in perfect synchronicity.
As if they know me
and my failure
to console my mum
about my father's...
Lymphoma.



(Please be frank and don't fear hurting my feelings)

[Antcliff]

Hi Richard.
Love the start of it...the big rhyme..not by accident I bet (shades of "singularity" big rhyme from earlier poem). Great.
Cheers,
Ant

[RichardSanders]

Hi Ant,

Glad you like the rhyme. This time it wasn't accidental.
I think with your help and John Lott's, I may finally have found the right way of using rhymes whitout them seeming contrived.
Thanks for that.
Any pointers for the rest of it?

Kindest,
Richard.

[Bloggsworth]

This one's a problem -The sweep of the poem is really good except, for me, the top and bottom (excuse the pun) don't fit. For me, mooning is ribaldry, cocking a snook at an authority figure and doesn't fit with the tragedy that can be lymphoma. I think the link between beginning and end needs adjusting, perhaps something along the lines of:

Driving there,
I see two swans
mooning me;
tail-feathers in the air
in perfect synchronicity,
rebuking me
for my failure
to console my mum ------ I would consider changing this to "mother"
about my father's...
Lymphoma.

[Ladyhawk]

I like the cheeky start and yet funny how people cope when dealing with news. I do agree "mother" fits moreso and subtly half rhymes with failure anyway. Mum appears childlike for such an observation under a gloomy cloud.

[RichardSanders]

Hi Bloggsworth,

Thanks for your feedback. You confirm my own doubts about the second part.
In fact I've been playing with it for days and just can't seem to get a satisfactory result.
I posted this anyway because I got kind of stuck.
Your feedback helps.


kindest
Richard

[RichardSanders]

Hi Ladyhawk,

Thanks for your thoughts. I think you and bloggsworth are right about the mum vs. mother thing.
I'll change that in the new revision.
I don't think that's all that is wrong with the second part so I'll be working on it for a bit.

Thanks.

Kindest,
Richard

[Antcliff]

Hi
Thoughts..probably of no value..on second half.

The thing about these big rhymes is that if you start with them they are like big swinging weights on a rope. Hard to just stop em. But this means you have a great deal of forward momentum in first half+a happy image (mooning). Suspect that this is why second half originally felt not quite right. You move from rhyme and happy image almost as soon as they arrive. That will inevitably seem jarring..like a ball crashing to ground. Nowt wrong with that of course as long as that is the thing you are going for in second half (which I suspect you were).

Suspect then that you will be torn between two options..making second half smooth, but that seems a bit out of keeping with subject, or less smooth but sounding awkward.
I vote for awkward second half. Let the ball thud to the floor. I think it should - as it does - feel slightly out of control at start of second half and then end in a thud.

Hope that made sense. Probably didn't.
Cheers,
Ant.

[RichardSanders]

Hi Ant,

Wow, that made perfect sense and if I may say so, very insightfull.
You brought unconscious intent into my conscious mind.
Reading your comment all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place in my head.
I now know exactly where to go with the second halve although I don't yet have the right words.
Thanks very much.
I'll return with a revision soon.

Kindest,
Richard

[Antcliff]

Hi..o good, glad it made sense. And thanks.
Cheers,
Ant.

[RichardSanders]

Would love to know if I'm moving in the right direction.

[Bloggsworth]

Would love to know if I'm moving in the right direction.

Er - No. Were you genetically programmed to moon? It doesn't gel for a different reason - The direction was right in the first version, you just tripped over the words; the new version sounds contrived.

[Arian]

The direction was right in the first version...the new version sounds contrived.

I'd agree with that. V2 is essentially a non-sequitur. Good idea, though - the first half is very good.

Technical point - the full stop at synchronicity means that the second half isn't a legit sentence. That's OK (this is poetry, after all) but it also reads very jerkily that way.

Cheers
peter

[RichardSanders]

Thanks guys.
You confirmed my suspicions.
Back to the drawing board.

[thetwatinthehat]

Hey Richard, I really enjoyed the ride of this one. It starts out so light hearted, then crashes into the seriousness of the disease. I prefer the original draft.

[RichardSanders]

Slight edit on the first draft.
Maybe a little better?

[Bloggsworth]

More positive - As if casts doubt over the whole poem, are they mocking or are they not? I'm not sure that about is the right word either. Perhaps something along the lines of:

Driving there,
I see two swans
mooning me;
tail-feathers in the air
in perfect synchronicity,
mocking my failure
to console my mother
over my father's...
Lymphoma.

[Antcliff]

Hi Richard

my vote: improved..and now with Bloggsworth's suggestion, it may well be done.

Best wishes,
Ant
p.s. thanks for the thread Richard...thinking about it has been very helpful...

[RichardSanders]

Bloggsworth,

I think you crossed the final tee in your suggestion. Thanks very much for your input.
I hope you don't mind me, adapting V4. as you suggested.

@Ant,

Your input also helped me a lot. Thanks.

Kindest,
Richard

[Sybil]

Hi! I enjoyed reading your poem! I do agree with a few other posters, though, that I don't think "mooning" is the best fit. That's probably just my own associations with the word, however.