Crows

[Sybil]

We are all scholars of text.
Twisted interpretations
and the execution
of their ideals.
The bloodshed contradicts
Itself.
Curious minds ask
Questions
that unravel answers
and overturn Traditions.
Fly, and take refuge
from the mischief of
your fathers. Fools, think not
of those still behind you.
“Who do you say that I am?”
they say. Those among us
cannot tell you, because
our answers have been
asunder torn by questions.

For what crow can fly
without stealing a
bit of corn?

[RichardSanders]

Hi Sybil,

Welcome to TPG.
I hope your ready for some crits and you won't be discouraged by it. Remember, mine is just one opinion based on my interpretation. Well here it goes.

I've read your poem a few times and it leaves me somewhat confused.
I don't realy get the message you try to send. Here's why:

We are all scholars of text.
Twisted interpretations
and the execution
of their ideals.

Who's is "their" ? If it's the scholars's, should it read "our ideals"?
If it not the scholars's, how can interpretations have ideals?.

Next: why is there a linebreak after "contradicts" and why does Itself start with a capital while there is no full stop after contradicts?
next: same for the next two lines. Ask and Questions.
The next two sentences are nice. No problems there except the assumption that the scholars (we) think of those left behind, is a bit presumptious.

Next:

Who do you say that I Am?

Well, it may be that English is my second language but I want to read either "Who do you say I am" or even better whom do you say I am.
The word "that" seems out of place here. But others will likely disagree based on the "common speech" argument rather than school english i've learned.

next: "those among us" whom do you refer to. The "us" from the first line is all I have to go on.

Next: our awnsers have been
asunder torn
Why this archaic construction. Why not just say,
Our awnsers have been torn asunder..

Lastly:

For what crow can fly
without stealing
a bit of corn

Though lovely in itself, why the line break after "stealing"?
And most importantly, what does this message have to do with anything that went before.
My interpretation is that you condone the lending or stealing of words or ideas or at best inspiration between poets?

As I said, I'm confused about your message.

Does any of this feedback make any sense or did I completely mis the mark?
If it does, and if others agree, don't be discouraged. You're here to learn and grow as a poet. The more mistakes, the more valuable the lessons.
I'm curious to find out what others think and I'd love to see an evolution of this poem because I do think there is potential.

Kindest,
Richard.

[David]

Hi Sybil. "Who do you say that I am" is a Jesus thing, isn't it? So the ending - is that from a parable or something similar?

Just trying to orientate myself.

Cheers

David

[Sybil]

I just want say thank you for the feedback. "Who do you say that I am" is something Jesus asked his disciples. The poem, at least in my head, deals with the three monotheistic religions; Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, primarily dealing with the similarities and conflicts between them. They each borrow quite a bit from one another, which is where the end of the poem - a kind of play on the parables as well as Qur'anic verse - comes from. The scholars looking at the three religions can see these simliarities amidst the conflict, but they cannot see which is right - they cannot reply to "who do you say that I am" because they are torn between the three faiths. If none of this makes any sense, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to lay my thoughts out.

[nar]

Hello, Sybil.

Quite a first post, friend.

There's some tasty nibbles in here for me.

I like the capitalisation of Traditions, and more so of Questions. A well worked line-break, IMHO.

One small niggle:

your fathers. Fools, think not
of those still behind you.
“Who do you say that I am?”
they say. Those among us
cannot tell you, because
our

The above does make sense, but it's a wee bit hard to follow all the 1st/2nd/3rd person references when reading/scanning quickly.

Fly, and take refuge
from the mischief of
your fathers. Fools, think not

Nice hidden LOTR ref if you meant it .

Overall, I really like this. It's the sort of thing I'd like to write about this topic.

Kindest,

- Neil

[RichardSanders]

Hi Sybil,

I now get why I didn't get your poem.
Biblic references and such are wasted on me.
I have no notion of them and no ambition to gain such notion either.
So I guess what I'm saying is, I should probably have kept my opinions to myself in this case.
Hope I didn't waste your or anyone elses time

Kindest
Richard

[David]

Although I picked up the Christianity, I didn't get the other two at all, so either I'm being obtuse - always a distinct possibility - or you may need to bring them out a bit more clearly.

Cheers

David

[Arian]

Although I picked up the Christianity, I didn't get the other two at all, so either I'm being obtuse - always a distinct possibility - or you may need to bring them out a bit more clearly.

Me too, I'm afraid. Except I didn't even pick up on the Christianity, really.
Sounds like the thought's there, it just (just?) needs to made a fraction more accessible.

Cheers
peter