The night has passed

[Mic]

It was a summer storm,
nothing more

(my tights with the stapled hole at the knee
are wrapped round the neighbours’ apple tree).

I lift a white stone
from the windowsill,
feel its warmth
on my cheek;

then walk into the world again,
and all my mornings too.

---

Orginal

It was a summer storm

- my tights with the stapled hole at the knee
are wrapped around the neighbours’ apple tree! -

nothing more.

I lift a white stone
from the window sill,
feel its warmth
on my cheek;

then walk into the world again,
and all my mornings too.

[Richard]

I like this very much.

Some nits really

I would not split "It was a summer storm" and "nothing more". Together I think they make a stronger opening and I found it jarred just a little in taking me back to work out the parenthesis.

No need for the ! after apple tree? (!, Well I said they were nits) The image is exclamatory enough, I think.

I loved the simplicity of the white stone and the warmth. And the end worked nicely, I thought

Best

Richard

[Mic]

Thanks Richard.

Both points about this that I was feeling unsettled about.
Will implement your suggs.

Mic

[Vincent Turner]

Yes, much to like here.

Nice use of imagery- could picture the tights in the tree, also I like the addition of the stapled knee part- it adds a more personal touch.

I am not overly keen on the "walk into the world again"

it seems a bit lazy to me, I might be missing something here, but I've read this type of line many times before.

nicely done.

Best Regards

Vincent

[ljordan]

Mic, I am also a bit unsure of the stone on the windowsill. If we're to apprehend that the storm during the night wreaked havoc (tights in the apple tree) I'm not sure a stone could land on the sill without breaking the window?

larry

[Mic]

Thanks Vince.

it seems a bit lazy to me, I might be missing something here, but I've read this type of line many times before.

Yes you may be right - sometimes these hackneyed phrases sneak their way in!

Larry - the white stone was already on the windowsill - a find from a walk on the beach. But I can see how what goes before might lead one to think the - however improbably - that the storm brought it there.

Mic

[Antcliff]

Hi Mic,
I am reading this literally...a storm that leaves items of clothing blown away. But it could be that it is intended to refer to some wild night (party/relationship?) I like the tights line.

I don't quite understand stanza 4 though. "Walking into all my mornings" sounds as if it is intended to bear some larger meaning, but one which escapes me at the mo. Perhaps because I'm not sure what "walk into all my mornings" is intended to contrast with (something that might have happened as result of storm?)

Best wishes,
Seth

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Mic,
...
I don't quite understand stanza 4 though. "Walking into all my mornings" sounds as if it is intended to bear some larger meaning, but one which escapes me at the mo. Perhaps because I'm not sure what "walk into all my mornings" is intended to contrast with (something that might have happened as result of storm?)

Best wishes,
Seth

Yes, that baffled me too, Mic.

Even more so - how can you staple tights together ?

Geoff

[David]

Even more so - how can you staple tights together ?

I share Geoff's ignorance on this! Blokes, eh.

Still, I like the whole thing, but I agree that the ending is a bit sort of vaguely poetical. A sharper image there - the white stone on the windowsill is a great one - would be nice.

Cheers

David

[Magpie Jane]

A lovely piece, Mic. And incredibly elegant.
The bit with the white stone is really effective. It adds warmth, weight and substance.
I believe I can relate to your ending couplet here: when the storm is over, it feels as if one enters the ("real") world again.

Jane

[k-j]

I think the first version is clearly better! Comments on v1.

The break in the opening thought works very well and is lost in v2. The breaking couplet (knee/tree) has a tense first line and then a lovely singsongy iambic partner.

Personally I prefer "window sill" to "windowsill".

My only quibble is the last line. It's a bit Velvet Underground & Nico to me ear, you know? All my mornings. All tomorrow's parties. I think it's a bit of a let-down.

But the rest is good/great.

[Wilcken]

Oh, wow, I think k-j nailed the VU reference, much as I love that song. I agree the ending is just a bit too familiar.

I do like version one better also (minus exclamation point) however. And I love the tights with their evidence of an emergency mending.

Why they are in the tree? Who knows. That was a quite a storm, or party, or fight. I like not being sure.

Wilcken