Matter

[Ros]

Strange that the missing part should be
invisible, like the place behind
the eyes where we reside yet cannot
enter. Darkness is created
from gravitational effect -

see how you pull on stars,
drag them down and split them
open on the table, reaching
for the heart. Seventy four
percent of all’s dark energy,

a secret pressure informing that everything
repels, but you knew that,
saw how more than half your efforts
ended round your ankles, unseen
by those you’re trying to impress.

.

[Arian]

Interesting Ros. I see you're back on the science trail again. Good. I enjoy them.

Will try and come back to it soon, looks very much worth a re-read. In the meantime, you have a typo here:

an secret pressure informing that everything

cheers
peter

[Vincent Turner]

Hi Ros.

the eyes where we reside yet cannot
enter.

I found this to be a bit clunky, compared to the rest of the opening stanza.

The second is stanza is great.

saw how more than half your efforts

]

Found this line a bit of a mouthful as well.

Cant quite get to grips with the poem as a whole, Will read again and return.

Best Regards

Vincent

[Ros]

Peter, Vincent, thanks - not sure whether this one is worth pursuing, so will appreciate your opinions.

Ros

[Antcliff]

Hi,
Well worth pursuing IMHO.

I see Vince and I are drawn to different parts, a good sign perhaps.

I'm not so convinced that it is strange, but I do like the comparison after "like". My favourite bit.

And the analogy at end..for the unseen efforts.

"Darkness" to "repels" seems a tiny bit flat as yet perhaps.

Seth.

[Richard]

I really liked this. I especially liked the pulling down of stars and splitting them open. That's got a really potent magic to it. The last stanza is where this loses it's way for me. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest yet.

Richard

[Ros]

Seth, Richard, thanks. I'm sure this needs altering, but have no idea where to go with it. Ho hum!

Ros

[Antcliff]

Hi,

just reading again and I'm not sure why st1 and st2 wouldn't count as done. Been pondering and I think perhaps I am just stuck on that first bit of st.3 before the analogy.."a secret" to "repels". I find it a bit hard to parse. If it were slightly unpacked..maybe it would feel done? Just a thought..

seth

[Ros]

Hi Seth - the meaning of that is dark energy is the pressure that repels everything - in fact it accelerates the expansion of the universe - so I'm using it as an idea that this is why the narrator feels that rather than attracting people his best efforts seem to push them further away. I'll think about rephrasing it.

Ros

[David]

Hi,

just reading again and I'm not sure why st1 and st2 wouldn't count as done.

Yes, I could go for that. In fact I'd stop at "heart" - both "Darkness is created / from gravitational effect" and "Seventy four / percent of all’s dark energy" seem to have come straight out of a primer of astrophysics, and although you need the first I don't think you need the second.

S3 is a bit puzzling. Are we in Brian Rix territory here?

S1 & S2, though - very good!

Cheers

David

[Ros]

Thanks, David - you think it sounds complete, stopping at heart?

I wasn't actually aiming at slapstick...

Ros

[stuartryder]

Hi Ros

I really liked verse 1, then *really* liked verse 2!

In verse 3, I wondered if you could have a semicolon after "repels", and "more than half" could be more, ah, pungent if you replaced it with "all"...?

Cheers

Stuart

Strange that the missing part should be
invisible, like the place behind
the eyes where we reside yet cannot
enter. Darkness is created
from gravitational effect -

see how you pull on stars,
drag them down and split them
open on the table, reaching
for the heart. Seventy four
percent of all’s dark energy,

a secret pressure informing that everything
repels, but you knew that,
saw how more than half your efforts
ended round your ankles, unseen
by those you’re trying to impress.

.

[Ros]

Hi Stuart,

Good to see you around again. Glad you like the start - it seems to be v3 that is the problem. Good suggestion, thanks.

Ros

[David]

Thanks, David - you think it sounds complete, stopping at heart?

I do.

I wasn't actually aiming at slapstick...

Ah. I meant farce. I thought that "more than half your efforts / ended round your ankles" referred to trousers falling down. So that's wrong, then. Damn.

[Ros]

Thanks for coming back, David. Well, you were sort of right - that kind of result, but more a tale of woe than farce. Perhaps I'm better off sticking to the first 2 verses.

Ros

[Magpie Jane]

Ros, I really enjoy the effortless way you handle cosmic stuff.
This is a good one, seriously impressive.

I'd like to suggest you keep the two first lines (more or less) of the last stanza, to end with

a secret pressure informing that everything
repels, but you knew that.

or

a secret pressure informing
that everything repels.

Jane

[twoleftfeet]

Hi, Ros

Strange that the missing part should be
invisible, like the place behind
the eyes where we reside yet cannot
enter.

- that is striking!

But then you turn into Brian Cox's sister.., until -

... but you knew that,
saw how more than half your efforts
ended round your ankles, unseen
by those you’re trying to impress.

- So, you've just got to put some substitute meat in the sandwich, as it were.

Even with your explanation I'm still struggling with S2.
People as stars? Tables?

Mind you, I have to admit that I've fallen asleep during the last 2 HORIZON programs - or more likely my head went into
hibernation mode when my brain chip overheated.

Geoff