South of Dove Cottage (revised)
revision two
This room's inside her head, a blur
of daffodils, a dancing breeze
and when she floats, her restless eye
will plough the clouds and sail the sky.
A host so close, how shall she dress
her knight? Within this lonely hush
I brush her hair, Lake Windermere
prowling for whispers in cottage light.
==============================================================================
revision one
This room's a place inside her head,
a blur of daffodils, a host so close;
and when she floats, her restless eye
will plough the clouds and sail the sky.
Her mind so breeched beyond the shore,
how shall she dress her knight? Within this hush
I slowly brush her hair, Lake Windermere
prowling for whispers in the cottage light.
===================================================================================
original
This room's a place inside her head,
a blur of daffodils, a host so close;
and when she floats, her restless eye
will plough the clouds and sail the sky.
Her mind so breeched beyond the shore,
how shall she dress her knight? Within this hush
I slowly brush her hair, Lake Windermere
is prowling whispers in the cottage light.
This room's inside her head, a blur
of daffodils, a dancing breeze
and when she floats, her restless eye
will plough the clouds and sail the sky.
A host so close, how shall she dress
her knight? Within this lonely hush
I brush her hair, Lake Windermere
prowling for whispers in cottage light.
==============================================================================
revision one
This room's a place inside her head,
a blur of daffodils, a host so close;
and when she floats, her restless eye
will plough the clouds and sail the sky.
Her mind so breeched beyond the shore,
how shall she dress her knight? Within this hush
I slowly brush her hair, Lake Windermere
prowling for whispers in the cottage light.
===================================================================================
original
This room's a place inside her head,
a blur of daffodils, a host so close;
and when she floats, her restless eye
will plough the clouds and sail the sky.
Her mind so breeched beyond the shore,
how shall she dress her knight? Within this hush
I slowly brush her hair, Lake Windermere
is prowling whispers in the cottage light.
Last edited by Macavity on Fri Sep 07, 2012 8:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Beautiful, has am ephemeral quality
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Hi Mac,
enjoyed this a lot..though there may be references I don't get. I get the core I think....WW+"wanders lonely as a cloud.." But there may be other WW refs in here.
I think "prowling whispers" works. It probably shouldn't..and it is natural to read in"prowling for whispers.." or "..prowling, whispers..".
One of yer best for me.
Seth.
enjoyed this a lot..though there may be references I don't get. I get the core I think....WW+"wanders lonely as a cloud.." But there may be other WW refs in here.
I think "prowling whispers" works. It probably shouldn't..and it is natural to read in"prowling for whispers.." or "..prowling, whispers..".
One of yer best for me.
Seth.
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Thanks for the thumbs up Seth. I prefer your option on the whispers thingy. Edit to follow!I think "prowling whispers" works. It probably shouldn't..and it is natural to read in"prowling for whispers.." or "..prowling, whispers..".
thanks again
cheers
mac
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- Posts: 8
- Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2012 8:20 pm
A worthwhile read and inspiration for a beginner like myself
I like a bit of Wordsworth-related poetry, mac, and I like this - especially the gentle ending.
My main problem with it is the variable length of the lines - that wouldn't normally bother me in a more conversational piece, but this is clearly a metrical piece, and you have four beats and five beats pretty much (as far as I can see) indiscrimately.
Given your source for this, I think you should tidy it up and stick to just four beats per line.
Cheers
David
My main problem with it is the variable length of the lines - that wouldn't normally bother me in a more conversational piece, but this is clearly a metrical piece, and you have four beats and five beats pretty much (as far as I can see) indiscrimately.
Given your source for this, I think you should tidy it up and stick to just four beats per line.
Cheers
David
David has a point, but actually I was quite taken with the mix of four- and five-foot lines. It's unconventional and I can't see a "reason" for it, but it does get the reader's attention.David wrote:My main problem with it is the variable length of the lines - that wouldn't normally bother me in a more conversational piece, but this is clearly a metrical piece, and you have four beats and five beats pretty much (as far as I can see) indiscrimately.
I really like "her restless eye / will plough the clouds and sail the sky".
"Hush" and "brush" work very well together. And the ending is great (I'm talking about the revision).
The only bit I have a slight problem with is "her mind so breeched beyond the shore". The shore of what, her mind or Windermere? "So" as in "as we have seen in S1" or as in "breeched to such a great extent"? These are just a couple of little ambiguities which distracted me from the poem. Not really a big deal but thought I'd mention.
fine words butter no parsnips
Hi David,David wrote:
Given your source for this, I think you should tidy it up and stick to just four beats per line.
Cheers
David
I think that's a fair point. I had a go at an edit and hopefully have not strangled the flow too much!
all the best
mac
Last edited by Macavity on Fri Sep 07, 2012 8:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.