South of Dove Cottage (revised)

[Macavity]

revision two

This room's inside her head, a blur
of daffodils, a dancing breeze
and when she floats, her restless eye
will plough the clouds and sail the sky.

A host so close, how shall she dress
her knight? Within this lonely hush
I brush her hair, Lake Windermere
prowling for whispers in cottage light.



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revision one

This room's a place inside her head,
a blur of daffodils, a host so close;
and when she floats, her restless eye
will plough the clouds and sail the sky.

Her mind so breeched beyond the shore,
how shall she dress her knight? Within this hush
I slowly brush her hair, Lake Windermere
prowling for whispers in the cottage light.

===================================================================================

original

This room's a place inside her head,
a blur of daffodils, a host so close;
and when she floats, her restless eye
will plough the clouds and sail the sky.

Her mind so breeched beyond the shore,
how shall she dress her knight? Within this hush
I slowly brush her hair, Lake Windermere
is prowling whispers in the cottage light.

[Rushing Jay Hunter]

Beautiful, has am ephemeral quality

[Macavity]

Cheers RJ.

mac

[Antcliff]

Hi Mac,
enjoyed this a lot..though there may be references I don't get. I get the core I think....WW+"wanders lonely as a cloud.." But there may be other WW refs in here.

I think "prowling whispers" works. It probably shouldn't..and it is natural to read in"prowling for whispers.." or "..prowling, whispers..".

One of yer best for me.

Seth.

[Macavity]

I think "prowling whispers" works. It probably shouldn't..and it is natural to read in"prowling for whispers.." or "..prowling, whispers..".

Thanks for the thumbs up Seth. I prefer your option on the whispers thingy. Edit to follow!

thanks again

cheers

mac

[bunnywabbit]

A worthwhile read and inspiration for a beginner like myself

[David]

I like a bit of Wordsworth-related poetry, mac, and I like this - especially the gentle ending.

My main problem with it is the variable length of the lines - that wouldn't normally bother me in a more conversational piece, but this is clearly a metrical piece, and you have four beats and five beats pretty much (as far as I can see) indiscrimately.

Given your source for this, I think you should tidy it up and stick to just four beats per line.

Cheers

David

[k-j]

My main problem with it is the variable length of the lines - that wouldn't normally bother me in a more conversational piece, but this is clearly a metrical piece, and you have four beats and five beats pretty much (as far as I can see) indiscrimately.

David has a point, but actually I was quite taken with the mix of four- and five-foot lines. It's unconventional and I can't see a "reason" for it, but it does get the reader's attention.

I really like "her restless eye / will plough the clouds and sail the sky".

"Hush" and "brush" work very well together. And the ending is great (I'm talking about the revision).

The only bit I have a slight problem with is "her mind so breeched beyond the shore". The shore of what, her mind or Windermere? "So" as in "as we have seen in S1" or as in "breeched to such a great extent"? These are just a couple of little ambiguities which distracted me from the poem. Not really a big deal but thought I'd mention.

[KevJ]

A beautiful piece Mac. Not sure about the metrics thing but love this:

and when she floats, her restless eye
will plough the clouds and sail the sky.

Nice couplet

Kev

[Macavity]

A worthwhile read and inspiration for a beginner like myself

Thanks bw. Your reply is an inspiration too

cheers

mac

[Macavity]

Given your source for this, I think you should tidy it up and stick to just four beats per line.

Cheers

David

Hi David,
I think that's a fair point. I had a go at an edit and hopefully have not strangled the flow too much!

all the best

mac

[Macavity]

hi k-j

I think the sounds just worked that way in my head and when I spoke the words. The problem line was intended to imply both of your suggestions. Either way it's gone now. Appreciate the nudge on that one.

cheers

mac

[Macavity]

Thanks Kev. I think that bit flows the best too.

cheers

mac