You stab spiteful derision
from red-veined twenty-something eyes
spitting venom with a sick;
"only twice? You lazy old prick!"
Yes, I'm lazy and old and unable to pick
my limp dick up again tonight
at this sickeningly youthful sight
by fluorescent light.
So what, if my performance didn't suffice?
Instead of insincere goodbyes
I wave a forcibly bright;
"Well... at least I tried."
Dating half-my-age (warning: some explicit language)
-
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 466
- Joined: Fri May 20, 2011 3:23 pm
Last edited by RichardSanders on Wed Sep 12, 2012 8:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
-
- Posts: 8
- Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2012 8:20 pm
hahaha I love the humour and the honest depiction of reality in it, a little too explicit for my liking but very cleverly composed imo.
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2718
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Sorry Richard, but where's the 'explicit language' that demanded the watershed warning? It all seems pretty tame, almost innocent, to me.
Anyway, I liked:
red-veined twenty-something eyes
and s2 has a certain honesty to it that's appealing.
Couldn't make sense of
spitting venom with a sick;
isn't sick an adjective? Doesn't quite work for me.
Cheers
peter
Anyway, I liked:
red-veined twenty-something eyes
and s2 has a certain honesty to it that's appealing.
Couldn't make sense of
spitting venom with a sick;
isn't sick an adjective? Doesn't quite work for me.
Cheers
peter
-
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 466
- Joined: Fri May 20, 2011 3:23 pm
Hi Peter,
At first I thought it rather tame too but after the response from bunnywabbit, I thought it better to warn then to offend.
As for the line "spitting venom with a sick"
Maybe it should have been, "sickening"
Because it was meant to indicate the physical feeling at hearing the next line.
Does that make sense?
At first I thought it rather tame too but after the response from bunnywabbit, I thought it better to warn then to offend.
As for the line "spitting venom with a sick"
Maybe it should have been, "sickening"
Because it was meant to indicate the physical feeling at hearing the next line.
Does that make sense?
-
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2718
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Hmmm, I think that would merely make the line more confusing. Perhaps your best bet is to make it a simile, as in:RichardSanders wrote:Maybe it should have been, "sickening"
spitting venom like sick;
cheers
peter
-
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 466
- Joined: Fri May 20, 2011 3:23 pm
Hi Peter,
I appreciate the suggestion but that would definately change the meaning and impact.
I think I'll leave it as it is for now and hope someone else shares their views on this issue.
I think as an adjective, it does work in relation to the quote on the next line.
Maybe the problem is the line-break?
To be quite honest, I do not see the gramatical error.
I appreciate the suggestion but that would definately change the meaning and impact.
I think I'll leave it as it is for now and hope someone else shares their views on this issue.
I think as an adjective, it does work in relation to the quote on the next line.
Maybe the problem is the line-break?
To be quite honest, I do not see the gramatical error.
-
- Posts: 31
- Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2012 12:24 am
Richard,
I like the visceral feel to this and the imagery.
I agree with you that spitting venom with a sick is grammatically correct to me in describing how the next line was delivered by the speaker.
Though may I suggest dropping ‘old’ in this line. I think it will scan better and is unnecessary - the title sets the scene well enough:
You stab spiteful derision
from red-veined twenty-something eyes
spitting venom with a sick;
"only twice? You lazy prick!"
That said enjoyed it very much
All the best
RJH
I like the visceral feel to this and the imagery.
I agree with you that spitting venom with a sick is grammatically correct to me in describing how the next line was delivered by the speaker.
Though may I suggest dropping ‘old’ in this line. I think it will scan better and is unnecessary - the title sets the scene well enough:
You stab spiteful derision
from red-veined twenty-something eyes
spitting venom with a sick;
"only twice? You lazy prick!"
That said enjoyed it very much
All the best
RJH