Some time ago,
before the hair on my balls
sprouted like mustard seeds
I had a God-
he liked to drink rum
and collect spices
which he lined like toy soldiers
on his shelf.
But when my voice
became confused
with its own sound,
and the cartoons no
longer held my gaze
I lost faith
or to be exact
questioned it
through new eyes
& like the doubting Thomas
needed to see
to believe
& who would
believe
in
a god
that pissed his pants,
ate two day old dinners
and masturbated
to fashion world magazines.
When God's Fall
First things first: learn when to use apostrophes. Having a wrong 'un in the title is just lame.
My main problem with this piece is that it's not poetic. It's "chopped up prose" syndrome in my opinion. Why end each line where you've ended it? Particularly grating is splitting "no / longer" like that. What does the piece gain from being written as verse rather than prose? I actually think it would be more effective if you removed the line-breaks and rendered it as prose. It would perhaps seem more honest (as a piece of art rather than a memoir).
The first line is very humdrum and unnecessary. Then it's straight to your balls which is slightly gross but I'm OK with it.
The spices / toy soldiers bit is good.
I fear the description of puberty is not very original. You could actually accomplish as much by just saying "but when I hit puberty".
"Or to be exact" - well why not be exact in the first place?
"Through new eyes" and "like the doubting Thomas" - clichés.
Why the switch to ampersands?
The last four lines are effective. They and the soldiers, and maybe the balls, are all I'd keep from this one.
My main problem with this piece is that it's not poetic. It's "chopped up prose" syndrome in my opinion. Why end each line where you've ended it? Particularly grating is splitting "no / longer" like that. What does the piece gain from being written as verse rather than prose? I actually think it would be more effective if you removed the line-breaks and rendered it as prose. It would perhaps seem more honest (as a piece of art rather than a memoir).
The first line is very humdrum and unnecessary. Then it's straight to your balls which is slightly gross but I'm OK with it.
The spices / toy soldiers bit is good.
I fear the description of puberty is not very original. You could actually accomplish as much by just saying "but when I hit puberty".
"Or to be exact" - well why not be exact in the first place?
"Through new eyes" and "like the doubting Thomas" - clichés.
Why the switch to ampersands?
The last four lines are effective. They and the soldiers, and maybe the balls, are all I'd keep from this one.
fine words butter no parsnips