Chapel Hill

[David]

NOW WITH ADDED FINAL VERSE

There must be to topography some skill
reducible to algebra, whose terms
include the distance from the sea, the height,
wide vistas, and a wealth of hazelnuts:

lots of local mojo going on here,
that they all tapped into: bronze age dead,
with a picnic lunch to see them through
to whatever the land the dead would reach;

the early Christians, and the late, disposed
in placid flocks until their shepherd stirs;
and their rude interrupters, who took girls
and horses as their hapless chaperones.

A Sunday afternoon, damp under foot,
and the dull buzz of traffic, yards away,
do not dispel the rightness of the place.
The founders' calculations were correct.

This bay reminds me of the ideal landscapes
we made with milk and porridge, terraforming
with a spoon, adding salt and sugar
according to the totems of the tribe.

[Antcliff]

Hi,
a hill poem...my faves.

Like this a lot. All stanzas. It is both about and provides a good view.
And certainly hazelnut productivity has to be an important consideration.

and their rude interrupters, who took girls
and horses as their hapless chaperones.

I had to google history of the hill, but understood the "hapless chaperones" reference in the end. Fascinating spot.

bronze age dead,
with a picnic lunch to see them through
to whatever the land the dead would reach

I understand "whatever land" but not "whatever the land".

Seth

[ray miller]

I tried googling Chapel Hill, but there's too many. Lovely first verse, I like distance/vistas.

lots of local mojo going on here, - I like local mojo
that they all tapped into: bronze age dead, - if "they" are the bronze age dead, I'd prefer the bronze age dead.....and like Seth, I think "whatever land" is better.
I don't quite get the closing lines but that spoils the enjoyment only a little. Is Chapel Hill on the Isle of Man?

[Antcliff]

But
..it really does feel as if it should go on, as if it is the start of a larger poem. Any chance?

Seth

[Arian]

Yes, very good. Like Ray, I particularly admire that first stanza, and I like the way the piece conflates past & present.

On the downside, smallish point, I struggled a bit with the punctuation. From the start to /chaperones/ is one long sentence with a very...er, unusual, progression of cesuras: colon, colon, semicolon, semicolon. And some commas in between. Can't help feeling it could be cleaned up, to the benefit of its readability.

Good, though.

Cheers
peter

[Vincent Turner]

I too enjoyed this.

And at times wish I could write this way.

It seems very controlled and measured.

Great opening stanza

Its good as it adopts a strong formal tone but in the same breath a loose relaxed, even local one.

For example.

lots of local mojo going on here,
that they all tapped into: bronze age dead,
with a picnic lunch to see them through
to whatever the land the dead would reach;

the mojo line is nice.

and the dull buzz of traffic, yards away,

I found this line highly affecting as well, I have a thing about the sound of traffic etc, and this works well, simple but just right.

Best Regards

Vincent

[camus]

This sounds great.

There must be to topography some skill
reducible to algebra, whose terms
include the distance from the sea,

der de der de der de der.

Or something like that, anyhow rolls off the ears!

Cheers Kris

[David]

I understand "whatever land" but not "whatever the land".

Aagh! Quite right. A simple typo, which must be put right.

bronze age dead, - if "they" are the bronze age dead, I'd prefer the bronze age dead.....

I think I would too, all other things being equal, but I was chasing the rhythm here.

Is Chapel Hill on the Isle of Man?

Ray, surely you know by now that pretty much everything is on the Isle of Man. At least I seem to think so.

But
..it really does feel as if it should go on, as if it is the start of a larger poem. Any chance?

I think I have nother verse in me - see above - but I can't decide whether it brings things to a satisfactory (or unsatisfactory) conclusion, or merely another dot dot dot ...

I struggled a bit with the punctuation.

Me too, as you have rightly spotted. Still, given the subject matter, a certain amount of colonisation seems appropriate, does it not?

Thanks, Vince!

der de der de der de der.

Just that old iambic stroll, Kris.

Cheers all

David

[Antcliff]

I can't decide whether it brings things to a satisfactory (or unsatisfactory) conclusion, or merely another dot dot dot ...

Head on, I say. You have set the scene. More Manxing. Can you see Somerled's attacking fleet from there? (I was at his more-probable-than-not burial spot today).

Seth

[Elphin]

As I pop in for a peruse, a thought struck me that the scientific introduction to this poem - topography and algebra - needs a balanced conclusion, which for me is the "founders calculations". There is a certain symmetry to that.

However, I like the milk and porridge and I am less keen on the modern trespassers. Would this work as a last verse?

This bay reminds me of the ideal landscapes
we made with milk and porridge, terraforming
with a spoon, adding salt and sugar.
The founders' calculations were correct.

Maybe something that suggests that you "confirmed" their calculations.

Is there any sense in what I am saying?

cheers

elph

[Antcliff]

Ah!

I think I have nother verse in me - see above - but I can't decide whether it brings things to a satisfactory (or unsatisfactory) conclusion, or merely another dot dot dot ...

I have just realised. Perhaps you were cheekily referring to one of mine:

Where will this sentence go?

you ask, quite sensibly,
expecting a definitive answer,
a “to here” or “there”,
a subject matter,
a reference,
or at least a proper end and not just
a petering out into a load of dots....


If so, very witty!

Seth

[Macavity]

hi David
I did originally struggle to read to topography, but no else mentioned it so that must be me. The last stanza afterthought made me think that adults don't really progress beyond child plays in dealing with death - even if maths gives some illusion of meaning.

lots of local mojo going on here

Loved that line. Strange that places do have this 'magic' and that is not dispelled by the dull buzz of traffic - that made think of the road near Stonehenge.

enjoyed

mac

[David]

Oops, a bit belatedly, thanks for those latter comments. I think, if anything, this might need to be bigger, as Seth suggests, something like this:

1.

There must be to topography some skill
reducible to algebra, whose terms
include the distance from the sea, the height,
wide vistas, and a wealth of hazelnuts:

lots of local mojo going on here,
that they all tapped into: bronze age dead,
with a picnic lunch to see them through
to whatever the land the dead would reach;

the early Christians, and the late, disposed
in placid flocks until their shepherd stirs;
and their rude interrupters, who took girls
and horses as their hapless chaperones.

A Sunday afternoon, damp under foot,
and the dull buzz of traffic, yards away,
do not dispel the rightness of the place.
The founders' calculations were correct.

2.

This bay reminds me of the ideal landscapes
we made with milk and porridge, terraforming
with a spoon, adding salt and sugar
according to the totems of the tribe.

And so on ...

Cheers all

David

[Antcliff]

Yeh, good idea..

More stanzas...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cZ3hm2e0S4

[David]

Thanks, Seth. I've never read this in its entirety, and I'm enjoying it - about 11 minutes in at the moment - but this is Part 1? How long is this thing?

[Antcliff]

Amazing heard isn't it?

I'm haverin', Rabbie, but ye understaun'
It gets my dander up to see your star
A bauble in Babel, banged like a saxpence
"Twixt Burbank's Baedeker and Bleistein's cigar.

[Antcliff]

Still think this should head on....more Manxing.

Seth