revision
While Adam sleeps in dreams of apple pie, she rolls
pastry for a tempting treat, baking golden brown
in tropical heat. With time to bathe, unzips her skirt
and spies her lover dozing summer schemes.
An axe lies lazy by his knee, a glass
of cider by the apple tree, and bees
are humming hexagon themes. With prey
to please, she wears his cotton shirt, descends
the stair and loosens three buttons. A snake
uncoils, all sleek and smooth, an hour to tease. She runs
her hand across his shedding skin, unravels cares
with lips and liquid sighs, to gift an eternity
of sin in taste of apple pie.
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0riginal
Whilst Adam sleeps in dreams of apple pie, she rolls
a pastry for a tempting treat, baking a golden brown
in tropical heat. With time to bathe, unzips her skirt
and spies her lover dozing summer schemes.
An axe is lying lazy by his knee, a glass
of cider by the apple tree, and bees
are humming hexagon hive themes. With prey
to please, she wears his cotton shirt, descends
the stair and loosens three buttons. A snake
uncoils, all sleek and smooth, an hour to tease. She runs
her hand across his shedding skin, unravels cares
with lips and liquid sighes, to gift all sin in taste of apple pie.
Apple Pie
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ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
You been watching Nigella?
to gift all sin in taste of apple pie. - to gift all sin?
An axe lies lazy by his knee - that would sopund better to me.
baking a golden brown - do you need "a"?
and bees
are humming hexagon hive themes - again, I think it better without hive, the meaning is still there.
to gift all sin in taste of apple pie. - to gift all sin?
An axe lies lazy by his knee - that would sopund better to me.
baking a golden brown - do you need "a"?
and bees
are humming hexagon hive themes - again, I think it better without hive, the meaning is still there.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Hi Mac
This does work better for the edits I think. There's a lovely sensual quality to this.
Though I very much like the poem as a whole, my fave bit is:
An axe lies lazy by his knee, a glass
of cider by the apple tree, and bees
are humming hexagon themes.
This does work better for the edits I think. There's a lovely sensual quality to this.
Though I very much like the poem as a whole, my fave bit is:
An axe lies lazy by his knee, a glass
of cider by the apple tree, and bees
are humming hexagon themes.
I am not a number ... I am a FREE man!
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Rushing Jay Hunter
- Posts: 31
- Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2012 12:24 am
Outstanding! I did not read this at first, the title did not catch my eye. The edit works even better for me. Nice one.
RJH
RJH