Autumn Leaves

[Macavity]

revision

With one eye open,
sleepy old tom sees sparrows
floating all his way.

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original
with one eye open
sleepy old tom sees sparrows
come floating his way

[Tim Love]

Nobody's replied yet, so I'll chip in.

I think it's pretty good. An old cat, in the autumn of his years, sees food floating towards him like falling leaves.

On the minus side, the punctuation led me to first read it as "Autumn leaves (i.e. departs) with one eye open." And "come" sounds rather like padding

[Macavity]

Thanks for stopping by Tim with your thoughts. Always appreciated.

cheers

mac

[Lake]

Hi Mac,

If not for Tim's comment, I'd take old tom as an old man.

I had the similar first reading as Tim, too - autumn leaves/ with one eye open. But I think the image is very cool whether it makes sense or not.

As a haiku, I prefer all small letters, though. I am thinking about comparisons between two images in a haiku. So what if "autumn leaves" becomes the first line? Just a thought.

Lake

[Macavity]

hi Lake,
I've a number of versions of this, including this untitled one which is probably closer to your thinking:

autumn leaves -
sleepy old tom sees birds
floating his way

But this...

But I think the image is very cool whether it makes sense or not.

Truly shocked...you've changed from the person that was always questioning my logic

cheers

mac

[Lake]

I've a number of versions of this, including this untitled one which is probably closer to your thinking:

autumn leaves -
sleepy old tom sees birds
floating his way

Yes, that's what I prefer.

But this...

But I think the image is very cool whether it makes sense or not.

Truly shocked...you've changed from the person that was always questioning my logic

I try not to question logic as much when reading poetry. Is it a good or bad change?

Lake

[Macavity]

I try not to question logic as much when reading poetry. Is it a good or bad change?

Poetry has its own logic?

mac

[Deryn]

Just spotted this and like it very much.

I like the inclusion of 'sparrows' over 'birds', more poetic in my mind. Sparrows being a nice mouthful for tom whereas 'birds' could be anything from a sparrow to a golden eagle!

This would be my favored take on it.

With one eye open,
sleepy old tom sees sparrows
floating his way.

Nice one Mac.

Deryn

[KevJ]

Nice haiku Mac. I really must have a go one of these days. Do you remember Aru who used to post on this site? He used to write beautiful haiku. Wonder what happened to him. Don't think he's posted for some time.

[Macavity]

With one eye open,
sleepy old tom sees sparrows
floating his way.

Thanks Deryn. Yes, it is neater. As Tim pointed out I seem to be filling the line for syllable count. Will have to find a smoother fix!

cheers

mac

[Macavity]

Nice haiku Mac. I really must have a go one of these days. Do you remember Aru who used to post on this site? He used to write beautiful haiku. Wonder what happened to him. Don't think he's posted for some time.

Go for it Kev or go for an imagist short poem!

Do you mean this guy:

http://arunansub.blogspot.com/

mac

[KevJ]

Nice haiku Mac. I really must have a go one of these days. Do you remember Aru who used to post on this site? He used to write beautiful haiku. Wonder what happened to him. Don't think he's posted for some time.

Go for it Kev or go for an imagist short poem!

Do you mean this guy:

http://arunansub.blogspot.com/

mac

Yes I think that's him