Spring

[KevJ]

Spring must surely come
cloaked in a haze of green
When the snows have gone

[Macavity]

I do like a short poem Kev. Words become more noticed less overwhelmed. I like the near exasperation, sense of disbelief in 'surely' and that shimmering heat, mist evaporating in 'haze'. Perhaps 'cloaked' sounds more winter heavy. Why not go for the opposite?

Spring must surely come
unclothing in a green haze
when the snows have gone

just a thought

mac

[Deryn]

Hi Kev, I do like that.

And I also like what Mac suggests. It does cast a more hopeful imminent light.

It will be interesting to hear what you think Kev.

Deryn

[KevJ]

Hi Mac and Deryn. Thanks for the suggestion. I will give it some thought. Really wish the snow would go away now!

[Antcliff]

Enjoyed it Kev,

yeh, spring will come.
Though after the next round of snows!

Seth

[KevJ]

Thanks Seth

Am happy to report that Brum is now snow Free thanks to the rain. We will see what February has to offer.

[marten]

Liked this and the line cloaked in a haze of green works. It's been a mild winter over here, the flowers are starting to pop up already.

Marten

[Ryan P.]

This could be the American in me, but I'm only counting six syllables in the second line. Not sure if you were shooting for 5-7-5, but I missed the count if you were.

I, too, like Mac's edit. She's got the right idea, I think, by switching up the verbs to match the seasons. I do prefer 'haze of green' to 'green haze' though. Sounds better to me phonetically.

I also think you should consider switching the title to something a little more valuable. We get spring in the first line of the poem and, although the piece is about spring, the idea it communicates isn't exclusive to spring. Maybe shoot for something else? Just a thought.

[KevJ]

This could be the American in me, but I'm only counting six syllables in the second line. Not sure if you were shooting for 5-7-5, but I missed the count if you were.

Hi Ryan I am counting Cloak/ed as 2 syllables which i think would make the line 7. However I am reliably informed that When it comes to Haiku It's not all about the syllable count.

Think you have a point about the title. Will give it some thought.

Kev

[KevJ]

Liked this and the line cloaked in a haze of green works. It's been a mild winter over here, the flowers are starting to pop up already.

Marten

Thanks Marten. Things have picked up a little hear at least the snow has gone. to be replaced with heavy rain and floods. That's British weather for you.

[Ryan P.]

This could be the American in me, but I'm only counting six syllables in the second line. Not sure if you were shooting for 5-7-5, but I missed the count if you were.

Hi Ryan I am counting Cloak/ed as 2 syllables which i think would make the line 7. However I am reliably informed that When it comes to Haiku It's not all about the syllable count.

I figured that might be the case with 'cloaked'. Of course, you haven't called this a haiku, and poetry certainly doesn't have to follow any specific forms, so I think it's fine read either way. It just seemed upon reading that you were shooting for that, so I thought I'd ask.

[Suzanne]

Hi Kev!

I like that this the feeling of hope, just the edge of hope, it could go either way, a voice says. Ol.

I agree that the title could be more helpful.
Spring. It will come.

Suzanne

[KevJ]

Hi Kev!

I like that this the feeling of hope, just the edge of hope, it could go either way, a voice says. Ol.

I agree that the title could be more helpful.
Spring. It will come.

Suzanne

Hi Suzanne it's good to hear from you. I have been racking my brains on the subject of a title but just can't pin it down. I'm open to suggestions.