Deserved

[bonza]

DESERVED

huge chains stretch around your kneck
weighed down with remorse and self-pity
the same words echo around your skull
"i didnt meant to!" over and over again
would God take pity and strike you down?
but perhaps sympathy is undeserved
the life that was taken, the lives that were ruined
you know your sentence is just

by J.Usher

[cooladd]

huge chains stretch around your kneck
weighed down with remorse and self-pity[/quote]
I liked this part, The ending didn't really seem very poetic, more of an angry letter

[camus]

To be honest I see nothing within this poem that warrants a post in the experienced area.

I could be wrong, please tell me if I am!

Kris

[Leslie]

Similar thoughts to those above; the opening three lines have form and impact. The fourth line begins to jar the rhythm, which would be O.K. if the rhythm were picked up again after that - it would add emphasis to the fourth line. The question, 'would God take pity and strike you down? follows. Personally, I favour the use of punctuation to make distinctions clear - the lack of punctuation (deliberate or otherwise) leaves this quoted question unconnected, it's an insertion right after a quotation attributed to someone else. The 'perhaps' in the next line almost makes it a rhetorical question, asked by whom? This runs on into lines meant to suggest why sympathy is undeserved but it needs construction and punctuation to connect the thoughts in more logical form The only punctuation we have is a comma amidships and not even a full-stop at the end.
There is a strong idea behind the poem; it seems to me like one of those that the writer thinks about a great deal and feels deeply about, the thoughts churn around in the mind until they are put down on paper. The writer knows axactly what is intended and what each expression conveys to the writer, but alas not to the reader. I say this from experience.
Have another run at it Bonza, see it from a reader's point of view. It's worth it. Best of luck, Leslie.

[courtofmiracles]

Hmm intresting poem.
I like the metaphor.


I don't like you had one kind of opinion of the start and then had a random relization that you were wrong and had a contradicting thought at the end.

Just doesn't seem relistic.

[steerpike]

These are my thoughts on your poem, though I’m no expert whatsoever – firstly, I liked the idea that you have behind your poem, or the ‘message’ if you like – I liked the way I felt sorry for whoever it was in the poem, then in the last line suddenly realised that whoever it is in the poem does not necessarily deserve my pity. I do think some of the imagery was a little unoriginal though – especially ‘huge chains stretch around your neck / weighed down with remorse self-pity’, it would be better if you could say that they were weighed down with something else, then leave the reader to arrive at the conclusion that the reason they are there is from remorse and self-pity, so, perhaps the chains are weighed down by the murder weapon or something (crap example, but do you see what I mean?) Also, if the chains ‘stretch around’ the neck, in my image it seems as if the chains are quite loose, and stretch around the neck with considerable space, shouldn’t the chains be a bit tighter? I didn’t like the part ‘’I didn’t meant to!’’ over and over again / would God take pity and strike you down?’ – its sounds like you, as the narrator, is getting angry with the person you are describing in the poem, and I don’t think you should, you need to leave it up to the reader. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem.

Other than that though, I love the idea behind your poem, and the way the message twists when you deliver your last line.

[trobbo44]

Rip this apart and try again. There is the kernel of something tangible in the first two lines, first stanza. But, it quickly went awry after that, it lost its way. Good idea. Keep going