death at the yo-yo factory

[John G]

I've seen the decimation of a town
when it's specialist industry closes

that yo-yo factory where workers hung themselves from lampposts
and bounced up and down

up and down.

[Antcliff]

Enjoyed this, John.

I'm not sure I know what it really amounts to (as a comment). But in this case it seems to be part of the appeal.

Seth

[Ros]

Yup, with Seth on this. Interesting image, not sure where it goes. You don't need the '

Ros

[champion]

Hello John.
I enjoyed the macabre quirkiness of this too.
For me, it had a Tim Burton black humour appeal to it, and I could imagine it as the opening scene to a story or a film in the vein of Scissorhands and Beetlejuice.
I liked the way the long third line hurried the poem along to its grim conclusion, and the repetition of 'up and down' was a nicely chosen finale, that I felt clearly created the ghoulish image of the 'human yo-yo's' left to swing in the wind to their own devices.
Cheers
Robbie.

[David Smedley]

I've seen the decimation of a town
when it's specialist industry closes

that yo-yo factory where the workers hung themselves from lampposts
and just bounced up and down

up and down.

John couple of thoughts, the word "the" in line 3 could probably go, and also the word "just"in line 4.
people are usually "hung" with rope, which has no elasticity to make them "bounce"

I like the thought of the "lampposts" being a kind of move in yoyoing like rock the baby.

seeya.D

[John G]

hi all -

Ros and Seth, thanks for the feedback. Your right, it doesn't really go anywhere but I rather like the fact its relatively self contained and needs little explanation (I hope...), also Ros, have made the it's amended.

Champion, thanks, glad you liked the imagery!

David, thanks for the pointers, duly noted and changed. And of course you're right about the hanging body not bouncing up and down but if they didn't, it would have ruined the concept!! an I never said they hung themselves with rope, they hung themselves with elastic bands they fashioned together...

[Macavity]

hi John

Great image for a reader to attach a meaning. As an active quality that goes beyond the medium.

excellent

mac

[Nash]

I rather like the fact its relatively self contained and needs little explanation

So do I, John. I think the fact that the poem contains that single absurdist image is part of it's strength and why I like your work so much.

As for the 'bouncing' problem previously raised, it works for me as it brings to mind the whole "dancing the Tyburn jig" thing - which makes the image all the more macabre.

Cheers,
Nash.