Lament Through War

[courtofmiracles]

Lament Through War

Blood, spit, and grime. Grungy mechanical hands
dancing on their murderous playground. Dry squinting eyes
are possessed by the demon of mourning.

A jittering and extensive dead tree fills up the sandy battleground. With
its distorted size and shape.

New invisible technology would be risky if an insane mind wasn't a genius mind.

Bang.
Cullump.

The new corpse falls into a sandy pit. Simultaneously the
nearby vultures twitched. Bronze blood
leaks out of the nose. Eyes. Mouth. The face is
petrified in its last emotion. Complex emotion. The maurder analyzes
the body. He was distracted. Holding an inappropriate picture
of someone in his hand. Wife, maybe? Girlfriend? Priceless facial expression.

Moron. Invisibility gives morons too much confidence.

Night.

The teeth clash into each other. The body goes
into involuntary tremors. Jack Frost giggles
at the numb barbarian that is below. In an
emotionless torture. Putting an
exhausting amount of effort in ignoring the world around him.

Cults are the world’s government. America is
on a drastic downfall. It won't be
long before it completely snaps. Then what?
Murder? More revenge? More rebellion? What are the people rebelling against? Do they even know? Care?

She was beautiful. He misses her
lemon scent. The tranquility of her
voice , the feeling of her
breasts. He misses making her smile. He always knew
what to say. He always knew
the correct way to touch her. He misses her
compassion. He misses listening
to her desires. He misses her
wit. He misses...

Ammo. Mourning is the ammo in his maniacal gun.


Numb.

Dreams. Dark dreams. Beheaded men. Kneeling. Rows of them. All wearing ruby. In front of them is a monster. Onyx scales, no pupils, black suit and collar. Setting up. Unjust wails. Unjust accusation. Unjust pain.

Mourning is the ammo in his maniacal gun.

[camus]

Hi Com,

Unfortunately your poem doesn't really fit the criteria of Experienced PAP. I think you'd be more comfortable in beginners for now. Read the Handy Hints link below.

viewtopic.php?t=31

Especially "Show, don't tell" and "Cut out every word you dare."

Don't let this discourage you, also some may disagree.

Cheers
Kris

[courtofmiracles]

I put it in expert just because I want to be crtized and told what to improve on.
But I am new to this forum so maybe I can get simmilar results in beginers and then everything is cool.

I don't think I am a expert at all.
I was just confused.
Thanks.

[camus]

Hi,

Its hard not to sound facetious when moving a poem, it wasn't meant in that way at all.

Carry on posting.

[Minstrel]

Hello Court and welcome.

Your text size is small, and blue......too much scrutiny required for an easy read. Fundamental critique I know but relevant.

Your poem has been moved to 'beginners forum' I see. Not the first time someone has taken the decision to move someones poem.

Pity, I thought the philosophy of this section was to encourage those who didn't feel competent enough to post on the Poetry Forum to contribute and hence encourage more posters to the site.

I do hope there isnt an elitist 'love in' developing here.

Note. Try to critique AT LEAST two other poems when posting your own, your thoughts WOULD be appreciated.

Minstrel.

[camus]

"Not the first time someone has taken the decision to move someones poem."

Minstrel as i said "also some may disagree."

If you think this belongs in the Experienced section then state your case, I'd be happy to move it back if needs be.

"I do hope there isnt an elitist 'love in' developing here."

Oh please!

[courtofmiracles]

Meh. The area doesn't really bother me. Not at this time.

I'll critique a handfull of other peoples poems in a few moments. That isn't a promblem at all.

I'll change my font for you. Just note that it is teal not blue.

[Minstrel]

Cool, think I'll paint my car Teal.

Camus, only case Ive got is my own and it weighs a fucking ton. Yes, would prefer poems posted on experienced stayed on experienced. Not moved by experienced to inexperienced by individual preference.

Guess Im just a democrat.

Minstrel.

[camus]

"only case Ive got is my own and it weighs a fucking ton."

Not sure what you mean on that one?

"Guess Im just a democrat." Indeed, well democracy is a time consuming business. I'd like to think individuals can be trusted to make decisions, there is democracy and there is ideology, hard to combine both online.

"by individual preference." Well if we were to vote on every decision made, then Cam would have to cease cycling and take up his post of commendant.

I see your grind, of course I do. But I am a Mod and on occasions see fit to exercise this. There are poems that don't fit in the "Experienced" section, to me these are blidingly obvious, that's why I move them, again if you think this poem is deserving of the experienced section please state your case.

Salute'

cheers
Kris

[barrie]

Minstrel.

I've moved a couple of poems from the experienced section - the first was after consultation, the second was 'poem i wrote when i was fifteen year old', without any discussion.
I didn't believe they belonged in the main section - I still don't.
The beginners forum was started for gentle criticism, like you say, to encourage people to the site - so what's the point in having a beginners section if people don't use it. You have no problem in pointing out the rules to newcomers, so where's the problem in moving an inexperienced poet into the beginners section?
I've also moved stuff out of the beginners forum into the main one without complaint.
It would be ideal if we could vote each poem on its merits, but we can't.
I mentioned you informing people about the rules - obviously some people don't read the rules and just dive straight in - maybe they also go to the main forum without realizing they have a choice.

cheers

Barrie

[Minstrel]

maybe......no worries.

[barrie]

Back to the poem.

I've read it through a few times now and I think it could very easily begin after the bang, collump bit. Get straight to the meat.
Take bit of time to sort out where the line breaks would be most effective, you have a tendency to stray into prose.

'Cults are the world’s government. America is
on a drastic downfall. It won't be
long before it completely snaps. Then what?
Murder? More revenge? More rebellion? What are the people rebelling against? Do they even know? Care?'

I would avoid making a statement and then asking questions - it reads more like a political pamphlet than a poem - each has its place. You'll either be preaching to the converted or stirring up antagonists - fine stuff for a political magazine.

There is much good stuff here to work on. I was quite intrigued by this line - 'Mourning is the ammo in his maniacal gun.'

good luck

Barrie

[courtofmiracles]

The begining kind of sets up the future enviroment. This does take place in 2020. It also sets up my charachter. He is a murder whom is also mourning a death. But the later is also a idea which I repeat so I geuss I could cut it out in the start.

I may edit the questions out aswell.

[anniecat]

Hi, don't know if i dare give an opinion here, it's off putting, when theres a battle going on.
But i thought it had good potential and could be juggled around so as not to offend.AC

[benjywenjy]

think it's already been mentioned once or twice but cut out all the words that you possibly can, it focuses the mind on everything you want to say, the important parts.
Also I used to do this as well, long words aren't always needed, shorter words used in interesting combinations can sometimes be better.

benjy

p.s. these are only opinions but maybe have a try and see what the end result is....

[anniecat]

Hi, whatever the words, however written, will always be a part of you and thus give you pride. AC.