the ordinary one

[artr]

i grab your mechanical fingers
meet your electric gaze
you tell me of the world
and calculated ambitions
i tell you of my dreams
you kiss me with cold lips
and tell me to keep quiet

revised:

i grab your mechanical fingers
meet your electric gaze
you tell me of the world
and calculated ambitions
i share with you my dreams
you kiss me with cold lips
and leave me in silence

[Macavity]

mechanical/electric/calculated nicely led to 'cold', but the concluding line is less interesting/ambitious:

and tell me to keep quiet

perhaps

and I know to keep quiet

or

and all will be kept quiet

cheers

mac

[David Smedley]

Your leading of the reader works well, and fleshes narrator/narrators out just right.

The last line bothered me too, I think it could benefit from better word choice.

With care I also think you could get rid of some of the repetition within the poem, for instance there is the word
Tell written 3 times within those 7 lines, the word And is also written 3 times.

all the best...David

[artr]

thank you two very much for the critique! i've made some changes, what do you think of the new ending line?

best regards art

[Jackie]

Hi Arty,

I'm not sure if that last line means, "And leave me silently," or "And leave me silent." (Who is silent?)

I'm trying to understand why you are bound to this person--why grab the fingers? Why hang around? The relationship could work for me if the "you" is a parent, perhaps. Perhaps the "I" is perceived by the parent as the ordinary one?

Thanks for this-
Jackie

[artr]

Hi Arty,

I'm not sure if that last line means, "And leave me silently," or "And leave me silent." (Who is silent?)

I'm trying to understand why you are bound to this person--why grab the fingers? Why hang around? The relationship could work for me if the "you" is a parent, perhaps. Perhaps the "I" is perceived by the parent as the ordinary one?

Thanks for this-
Jackie

hey jackie, i think it means "and leave me silent", but both could work
it's not really conveyed in the poem so i can see why you don't understand - although the "you" sees the world in a fixed way and "mechanically" follows the norm, she is a sweet girl, and that's why the "i" hangs around her, the ordinary one. i think your parent perspective makes good sense as well

thanks for your interest! best regards art

[Macavity]

and leave me in silence

'leave' is too passive. 'seal me in silence'...anyway worth working on

cheers

mac