Silently closing the bedroom door
she was once the harp
enticing his fingers in leggiero
along the slender contours of her classic form.
Each sigh the delicate plink of dew
upon a thread of her web-like allure.
Nowadays she seems
more sleazy trombone, salaciously writhing
back and forth against another lovers puckered lips,
mocking his maladroit twanging
his dissonant Harpo buffoonery
she leaves him a note that she hopes will say more.
She’s Leaving Home.
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twoleftfeet
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- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Hi, Robbie
First impressions:
The title misled me insofar as the reference to the song and the inclusion of the word "home" made me think "she" was leaving the parental home.
My suggestion for an alternative would be "Bye Bye" .
In S1
The music metaphor is developing well up to L3, but then expands the idea of vibrating strings to encompass spider's
thread. At that point, with the introduction of "dew", I started to struggle.
This is just a tad too dense, in my view, although I like the idea that her orchestrated sighs are literally "leading him on"
deeper into her web. Let's wait to see what others have to say.
In S2
I would be inclined to make it clearer that the last line's "him" refers to the guy in S1 and not the "lover" (assuming I am
reading this correctly).
"Harpo" made me smile, but not LOL, of course..
Geoff
First impressions:
The title misled me insofar as the reference to the song and the inclusion of the word "home" made me think "she" was leaving the parental home.
My suggestion for an alternative would be "Bye Bye" .
In S1
The music metaphor is developing well up to L3, but then expands the idea of vibrating strings to encompass spider's
thread. At that point, with the introduction of "dew", I started to struggle.
This is just a tad too dense, in my view, although I like the idea that her orchestrated sighs are literally "leading him on"
deeper into her web. Let's wait to see what others have to say.
In S2
I would be inclined to make it clearer that the last line's "him" refers to the guy in S1 and not the "lover" (assuming I am
reading this correctly).
"Harpo" made me smile, but not LOL, of course..
Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?
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David Smedley
- Prolific Poster
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- Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:16 pm
Opening line can be done away with, The title does its job. I like the last line though, it tags her as a serial leaver.( I assume the word note is a pun? to add double meaning)Silently closing the bedroom door
she was once the harp
enticing his fingers in leggiero
along the slender contours of her classic form.
Each sigh the delicate plink of dew
upon a thread of her web-like allure.
Nowadays she seems
more sleazy trombone, salaciously writhing
back and forth against another lovers puckered lips,
mocking his maladroit twanging
his dissonant Harpo buffoonery
she leaves him a note that she hopes will say more
I liked the Harpo buffoonery it conjured a host of thoughts on the man.
The whole of verse one came across to me a cliched and almost caused me to stop reading.
verse 2 showed more freshness.
Thank you ...David
Thank you very much Geoff and David for your comments.
I am pleased that you both enjoyed the Harpo reference as he was the initial inspiration for this piece after seeing a sketch of him by Salvador Dali.
He was given his first harp as a gift from his mother, but unable to find a tutor he learned how to how hold it from a picture postcard of an angel in a local store; miss-'tuned' it himself one string at a time, and never learned to read music. With later movie success and accompanying wealth, he decided to seek the lessons he had once hoped for, but was unable to convert to the correct method of playing an in-tune harp so continued to play, much to the fascination of other harpists, in his own and un-imitable unique style.
Geoff,
the title as you quite rightly point out is from the song (and I was genuinely a little concerned about the blatant plagiarism), but with thoughts of Harpo in mind I sought to recollect a piece of music or a song that had a harp playing in it. The short harp solo in the opening of She's Leaving Home came fondly to mind. Whilst listening a number of times and perusing the lyrics, the two lines I have included as the opening and close of my poem seemed so relevant to this once so classy lady turned sassy adulteress, leaving her disharmonic marriage.
I had hoped to convey how beautifully alluring he had once found her with the spiders web metaphor, which you do pick up on Geoff by recognising how her orchestrated sighs enticed him into her web. The plink of dew was an attempt to create the sound each delicate breathe might make.
Thank you Geoff for your advice and suggestions. I will most definitely consider them. Shame there is no Harp solo in 'Bye Bye Love', but I will think on a possible new title.
Cheers
Robbie.
David,
I would love to claim the 'note' in the last line was intentional and of my own making, but unfortunately must confess it belongs to Lennon and McCartney.
'The whole of verse one came across to me a clichéd and almost caused me to stop reading'
That’s a shame and a disappointment to me David as I would like to think I can recognise a cliché myself, and do persevere to be original so I am not quite sure how I managed to produce this effect for you. Very sorry about that.
Pleased that the second stanza made a recovery though and was able to hold you to the end.
Cheers
Robbie.
I am pleased that you both enjoyed the Harpo reference as he was the initial inspiration for this piece after seeing a sketch of him by Salvador Dali.
He was given his first harp as a gift from his mother, but unable to find a tutor he learned how to how hold it from a picture postcard of an angel in a local store; miss-'tuned' it himself one string at a time, and never learned to read music. With later movie success and accompanying wealth, he decided to seek the lessons he had once hoped for, but was unable to convert to the correct method of playing an in-tune harp so continued to play, much to the fascination of other harpists, in his own and un-imitable unique style.
Geoff,
the title as you quite rightly point out is from the song (and I was genuinely a little concerned about the blatant plagiarism), but with thoughts of Harpo in mind I sought to recollect a piece of music or a song that had a harp playing in it. The short harp solo in the opening of She's Leaving Home came fondly to mind. Whilst listening a number of times and perusing the lyrics, the two lines I have included as the opening and close of my poem seemed so relevant to this once so classy lady turned sassy adulteress, leaving her disharmonic marriage.
I had hoped to convey how beautifully alluring he had once found her with the spiders web metaphor, which you do pick up on Geoff by recognising how her orchestrated sighs enticed him into her web. The plink of dew was an attempt to create the sound each delicate breathe might make.
Thank you Geoff for your advice and suggestions. I will most definitely consider them. Shame there is no Harp solo in 'Bye Bye Love', but I will think on a possible new title.
Cheers
Robbie.
David,
I would love to claim the 'note' in the last line was intentional and of my own making, but unfortunately must confess it belongs to Lennon and McCartney.
'The whole of verse one came across to me a clichéd and almost caused me to stop reading'
That’s a shame and a disappointment to me David as I would like to think I can recognise a cliché myself, and do persevere to be original so I am not quite sure how I managed to produce this effect for you. Very sorry about that.
Pleased that the second stanza made a recovery though and was able to hold you to the end.
Cheers
Robbie.
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Hi again, Robbiechampion wrote: Geoff,
Shame there is no Harp solo in 'Bye Bye Love', but I will think on a possible new title.
Cheers
Robbie.
DOH! Of course! She's Leaving Home begins with an arpeggio on harp - Nice one!
My suggestion of "Bye Bye" was meant to imply the final line of the lyric - She's Leaving Home, Bye Bye.
I just thought that the direct quotation of the title was more likely to invoke the complete narrative of the song
in the reader's mind - that was certainly the case with me.
I would say definitely keep the lyrics in - maybe italicise them, though?
Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?
Agreed, works fine without the first line.
the word "in" before leggiero somehow feels clumsy. Do you play in leggiero or just play leggiero?
Harps and leggiero is classy stuff. You could go the whole hog and go leggiero e vivo. Nice ring to it.
The sigh and plink seem at odds with each other. Two different sounds to me. Pluck and plink? Maybe the harp and web are slightly difficult to relate to each other, but I like the idea.
The second stanza rockets away. In fact it's really good.
The note. She hopes it will say more... More than what?
Good job
the word "in" before leggiero somehow feels clumsy. Do you play in leggiero or just play leggiero?
Harps and leggiero is classy stuff. You could go the whole hog and go leggiero e vivo. Nice ring to it.
The sigh and plink seem at odds with each other. Two different sounds to me. Pluck and plink? Maybe the harp and web are slightly difficult to relate to each other, but I like the idea.
The second stanza rockets away. In fact it's really good.
The note. She hopes it will say more... More than what?
Good job
Hello Geoff.
I am glad my explanation for choosing the title that I did, inspired by a fond memory of a song goes 'some way' to making it appear a little more considered. I personally do like the two lines of the lyrics for the opening and close, so I am happy that someone else is in agreement that they should stay. Thanks for the idea of italicising them Geoff. I think that is a very good suggestion and one I will most definitely apply. I think it would not only add a slight change of appearance to the poem itself but also possibly lead other readers to question why they are italicised.
Thanks for returning Geoff.
Robbie.
Hello vesuvis.
Thanks a lot for taking a look and for your comments and suggestions.
'Do you play in leggiero or just play leggiero?'
I am afraid the limits of my musical ability go no further than being a self-taught drummer as a school-boy, so please excuse my ignorance as far as the application of musical terminology goes. When researching harps and classical music for this piece I came across a list of some truly beautiful sounding terms for tempo and emotion in which a piece should be played, and amongst others immediately liked the sound and implication of 'legierro'. I will make sure to edit it to its correct form, so thank you very much for that.
I agree, 'leggiero e vivo' really does have a very nice ring to it.
I also like your suggestion for 'pluck and plink' a great deal too. It would then not only suggest the sound she makes is like a delicate plink upon her strings, but also how he managed to induce the sound from her, and they do sound rather nice together.
Thanks for your kind comment on the second stanza. I am glad you found it so enjoyable to read.
The note. She hopes it will say more... More than what?
When considering this line as the close for the poem,
I was actually visualsing an empty piece of music paper.
Cheers for the read vesuvius
Robbie.
I am glad my explanation for choosing the title that I did, inspired by a fond memory of a song goes 'some way' to making it appear a little more considered. I personally do like the two lines of the lyrics for the opening and close, so I am happy that someone else is in agreement that they should stay. Thanks for the idea of italicising them Geoff. I think that is a very good suggestion and one I will most definitely apply. I think it would not only add a slight change of appearance to the poem itself but also possibly lead other readers to question why they are italicised.
Thanks for returning Geoff.
Robbie.
Hello vesuvis.
Thanks a lot for taking a look and for your comments and suggestions.
'Do you play in leggiero or just play leggiero?'
I am afraid the limits of my musical ability go no further than being a self-taught drummer as a school-boy, so please excuse my ignorance as far as the application of musical terminology goes. When researching harps and classical music for this piece I came across a list of some truly beautiful sounding terms for tempo and emotion in which a piece should be played, and amongst others immediately liked the sound and implication of 'legierro'. I will make sure to edit it to its correct form, so thank you very much for that.
I agree, 'leggiero e vivo' really does have a very nice ring to it.
I also like your suggestion for 'pluck and plink' a great deal too. It would then not only suggest the sound she makes is like a delicate plink upon her strings, but also how he managed to induce the sound from her, and they do sound rather nice together.
Thanks for your kind comment on the second stanza. I am glad you found it so enjoyable to read.
The note. She hopes it will say more... More than what?
When considering this line as the close for the poem,
I was actually visualsing an empty piece of music paper.
Cheers for the read vesuvius
Robbie.
Quite like this Robbie. Perhaps a few less adjectives. L1 indicated to me there is silence where once there was music. Enjoyed the sleazy trombone, the puckered/mocking and sleazy/salaciously/buffoonery, and Harpo/leggiero . Perhaps lover's and I re-think about dewy webs, though contours/allure is also a nice combo.
all the best
mac
all the best
mac
Last edited by Macavity on Fri Jul 26, 2013 3:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Antcliff
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6599
- Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
- Location: At the end of stanza 3
Hi,
I enjoyed this, Robbie. I am fond of contrast poems.
I liked "mocking his...twanging". Nice.
Part of me wants to go out into the morning dew to lean in and hear if it really plinks.
I am not sure about the double use of "she" at the end. Perhaps one could be cut?
Best wishes,
Seth
I enjoyed this, Robbie. I am fond of contrast poems.
I liked "mocking his...twanging". Nice.
Part of me wants to go out into the morning dew to lean in and hear if it really plinks.
I am not sure about the double use of "she" at the end. Perhaps one could be cut?
Best wishes,
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Good morning Seth.
I like the idea of you actually taking the time to crouch down with an ear beside the dew to see if you could hear it plink as it fell. Besides the familiarity of birds singing and leaves rustling that we mostly tend to tune out with an un-appreciative ear, what a nice thought that there could be a symphony orchestra playing beyond our ignorant senses, with creaking trees on cellos and double bass, grasshoppers on violins and morning dew on the harp.
Really pleased you enjoyed the read Seth
Cheers
Robbie.
I like the idea of you actually taking the time to crouch down with an ear beside the dew to see if you could hear it plink as it fell. Besides the familiarity of birds singing and leaves rustling that we mostly tend to tune out with an un-appreciative ear, what a nice thought that there could be a symphony orchestra playing beyond our ignorant senses, with creaking trees on cellos and double bass, grasshoppers on violins and morning dew on the harp.
Really pleased you enjoyed the read Seth
Cheers
Robbie.
Enjoyed this. To me, it would be difficult to get rid of the first line because it's completed in the last line. Could the first line be the title?
The harp drew me in right away. It is so easy to imagine her as the harp, sensuous because he played her so well. She rose to his touch. So did he stop playing her? Seems like there's a stanza missing in the middle.
I'd drop the sleazy. It's a value judgment and I found it hard to understand who was judging. Twanging I associate with stringed instruments,but maybe not exclusively.
Jackie
The harp drew me in right away. It is so easy to imagine her as the harp, sensuous because he played her so well. She rose to his touch. So did he stop playing her? Seems like there's a stanza missing in the middle.
I'd drop the sleazy. It's a value judgment and I found it hard to understand who was judging. Twanging I associate with stringed instruments,but maybe not exclusively.
Jackie
Hello Jackie. Very nice to meet you.
I am pleased how you picked up on the relationship between the first and last lines that I had hoped to imply. I agree they should both stay, and very much liked Geoffs idea of italicising them, but must say I also like your idea too of the first line becoming the title. I think that may then omit peoples inclination to think about the story in the song after reading the original title.
I actually did have a couple of very rough draft stanzas in between, along the theme of him being the guy who is responsible for the STOP/GO sign on a road-work crew, consumed by his love of classical music, orchestrating the traffic cacophany as if he were the conductor and his sign his baton, each vehicle a different instrument ..
The 'sleazy' I used to describe the trombone was inspired by the David Rose composition 'The Stripper' favoured by many a neo-burlesque chanteuse. Very brassy, very sassy, and was only intended to suggest her fall from almost angelic to devilishly naughty.
Thank you for your suggestions and comments Jackie
pleased you enjoyed the read.
Robbie.
I am pleased how you picked up on the relationship between the first and last lines that I had hoped to imply. I agree they should both stay, and very much liked Geoffs idea of italicising them, but must say I also like your idea too of the first line becoming the title. I think that may then omit peoples inclination to think about the story in the song after reading the original title.
I actually did have a couple of very rough draft stanzas in between, along the theme of him being the guy who is responsible for the STOP/GO sign on a road-work crew, consumed by his love of classical music, orchestrating the traffic cacophany as if he were the conductor and his sign his baton, each vehicle a different instrument ..
The 'sleazy' I used to describe the trombone was inspired by the David Rose composition 'The Stripper' favoured by many a neo-burlesque chanteuse. Very brassy, very sassy, and was only intended to suggest her fall from almost angelic to devilishly naughty.
Thank you for your suggestions and comments Jackie
pleased you enjoyed the read.
Robbie.