Urban Development

[pseud]

We met
where there were no
sewing machines.
The copper on the rooves
had always been green,
and needles were worked by hand.
Our neighborhood was
richest of the rich.
No clock towers or stop signs,
nothing moved, in fact.
We'd swallow snow flakes
midair, frozen in place.
But dotted lanes slowly sprouted,
the city plans blossomed.
Time was a power line
stretching the landscape
before we could react:
the first spark on
a burnt piece of thread.

(See R. S. Thomas' "A Marriage." It's so much better than this, but I was getting eager to imitate him, at least once.)

[Bombadil]

I can see shades of Thomas, yes, even before you mentioned him. This may be my favorite of yours to date. I'd reverse rich of the richest to richest of the rich, and your time (searching for poetical phrase) similes are a bit of a stretch (at least the hatching egg one). But I loved the copper rooves (roofs, in the West) and the power lines. Nice.

Cheers,

Keith

[twoleftfeet]

Caleb,

I have to agree with AS, especially with regard to the "hatching egg"
line. I don't "get" it

"Time was a power line
stretching the landscape"
- is a great visual image that also suggests the technological progress
that comes with time, not to mention a touch of Einstein
(stop reading those Physics tomes!)

Nice one
Geoff

[barrie]

'A Marriage' ranks high among my favourite poems, it's one of the rare beasts that tugs at my emotions - So you've really set your sights high here Caleb. That said, you've done a damn fine job. You've avoided the mood of the original (which NO-ONE could emulate) and chosen something much lighter.

'We met
where there were no
sewing machines.
No clock towers or stop signs,
nothing moved, in fact.
The copper on the rooves
had always been green,
and needles were worked by hand.'

- The old days before electrickery. 'Rooves' interesting spelling (Webster?).

'rich of the richest' - I take 'richest' to mean natural riches, like woods, streams, freedom, fresh air, etc, and that your neighbourhood was 'rich' with them.

'Time was a power line
stretching the landscape
before we could react,
the first spark on
a burnt piece of thread.'

This is the link between the two poems - the passing of years in an eye-blink.

You've done a really good job with this Caleb, an excellent contrast between the apparent immobility of time and the sudden realization of the present. The years in between gone in a flash.

To quote Thomas -

' Fifty years passed,
love's moment
in a world in
servitude to time.
She was young;
I kissed with my eyes
closed and opened
them on her wrinkles.'

Applause Caleb

nice one

Barrie

[pseud]

Wow. Thanks guys. It was one that sort of fell together - I saw the Thomas connection and just decided to follow it.

'rooves' - that word puzzles me. Shelf-shelves, self-selves? I've always spelled the plural of roof as rooves, but even Keith is telling me to change it.

Transparent images that take no effort to get is the name of the game. Since I am notorious for strained and bad analogies, it was a challenge. I am in debt at the moment as far crits of other's work goes - I'll get on it sometime today or tommorrow - but thanks for commenting guys.

- Caleb

[marm]

Um well. Sadly I have very little knowledge of poets past and present. Feeling a touch shallow amongst such knowledgable bods but i can say i did like it. I find it difficult to write poetry with such structure as to not rhyme at the end of each line so im impressed by that to start with. It had a good flow that kept things moving. Blame it on my english teachers if you will but its hard for me to analyse script symbollically but i did pick up on the time scale flashes and so on. As for rooves. Why not just replace it with a '. You wouldn't be the first with words like ne'er and e'er floating round noone would e'en notice. Who needs spelling anyway. Whatever happened to poetic license!

[Bombadil]

He wouldn't live long if he did that. He knows...