Comet

[backinblack]

Balls of light abound from mars,
comets fire destroy cars.
Lights now flicker,
windows break.
A far off rumble turns to quake.

Seas now rise from calm to squall,
mother natures mercy call.
the path is chosen, the dye is cast,
The boat is holed,we're sinking fast.

[Tim Love]

There are some punctuation problems, and I wonder if there's spelling trouble too. Maybe "clam" should be "calm" and "dye" should be "die", though I'm not sure, because I don't really get the poem.

[KevJ]

This is quite apocalyptic I think. Puts me in mind of the movie Armageddon.

[Macavity]

For some reason the opening made me think of 'Great Balls of Fire'. Perhaps the lines could be lyrics for a rock number.

mac

[cynwulf]

Nice subject. Was this triggered by the events in the Urals earlier in the year?
Not sure about the title, the poem suggests meteorites to me rather than a comet. Perhaps you could find a stronger, more imagistic verb than 'abound' in line 1. Rhyrhm goes rather awry in the second line, otherwise maintained well.

[Disraeli]

Like the subject matter and the poem gets the impending doom across well. For me the rhyme dominates the poem and distracts from the subject matter rather than enhances the topic. But if you want to stick to rhyme I think it better to be consistent. How about combining the third and fourth lines to read - 'Lights flicker, windows break'. That then gives you two four line stanzas with an AABB rhyme scheme. Just a thought.

Mike

[backinblack]

Thanks for your comments,I like poems that rhyme,I know its not everybody's cup of tea.However I am always open to your kind crits,many thanks

[LewisC]

I love the first line, sets it up nicely. It flows well also. I would only say, does it need the 'now' in the first line of the second stanza? also maybe just destroy instead of destroys?