Lost

[Veerle]

This is my first poem. How is it ?
I know it is very sad, but this is how I felt.

Lost

I’m sick of the tears I cry.
Every day, every night.
Nobody knows that I have to cry myself to sleep.
Nobody understands my pain.

With all this pain, I can’t live.
I want to die, as quickly as possible.
But I can’t let some people down.
They need me, I need them.

But when I fell into the darkness.
Too blind to find the way.
The way back into the light.
They didn’t try to find me, they forgot me.

Now I forget them.
No, I will never forget them, I really love them.
But they shouldn’t miss me, they will forget me.
As they always did.

Now, I’m gone.
It’s too late to apologize for what they did to me.
I’m gone and I’ll never come back.
But I still love them, I always do.

[barrie]

Hello and welcome.

I think you need to find subject that has general appeal. It reads more like a diary or a therapist's session than a poem.
Try to put these feelings into the head of some imaginary character, imagine how he must feel and then 'show' the reader how he feels by using images - not by merely telling. (have a look at Poetry Tutorials section).

Like I've just said to Marm, read penty of poetry - that's the best way to learn. You seem to have the passion for it, you need to twist that passion into words that create images in the mind of the reader.

Keep on writing

Barrie

[cooladd]

Welcome
Yes i agree with Barrie, Although it is very emotive i'd like to be able to picture it.

[Veerle]

Heej

Thank you for your reply, I understand your point.
But this is how I felt a few weeks ago.
I wrote this to put my feelings away, because nobody understood me.
And now I feel better.
Indeed, it was a sort of diary.

Veerle

[anniecat]

Hi,

Very personal to you this poem and a good effort.
I do feel you were trying to express your inner emotions to the public instead of making this a poem, of showing the situation surounding an event or senario etc,
if you see what i mean it's more of a cry for help; perhaps at the time it was......................AC
Post some more or juggle this around a bit.

[merciful evans]

i think it was very honest and direct. the ambiguity (love / unloved) and fantasy (death) spoke loudly. the anguish is plain and naked.

i think it stands up as a poem, despite being untidy and without much structure.

[Binz]

welcome

as others has said, it does read like a therapy session, but sometimes that's what writing is. I do find that sometimes writing a poem is a very good way of getting out what has been causing pain inside. Thanks for being open and honest.

a suggestion: Rather than blurting it all out in one go in a single piece, how about breaking it down; write a poem showing what you went through and how it felt as you "fell into the darkness" or demonstrate how "they will forget me, as they allways did".

I think the piece is a foundation on which to build

Binz