Magical words
floating in my mind;
circling and hovering
where I am blind.
They come from above
like fresh falling snow.
Where they will settle,
I never know.
Like these flakes,
the words drift inside my skies,
translucent and shimmering,
as they pass behind my eyes.
My frail fingers fail
when they try to write
these words of wonder,
passing in flight.
Words Of Wonder
-
brokenbridge
- Posts: 22
- Joined: Wed Jan 15, 2014 5:22 am
Hi There.
There is nothing wrong with writing about words/muse/inspiration. But as its been done to death, I would think its important for the writer to tackle it from a different angle. Unfortunately, at present this is your bog standard approach. Please dont think I am being harsh, as thats not my intention. The poem itself would benefit from losing such words as
magical- there are better more apt words to use, also floating, circling and hovering all really say the same thing.
In the second stanza you dont really need to tell the reader that they come from above as that has been explained already. Snow is something that we have all used, maybe a more unqiue image would strenghen the stanza. Again in the third stanza you dont need to say " like these flakes" as we get what you are saying from the previous stanza. Translucent and shimmering are nice words but again are words often assocaited with snow etc. There is a poem in here, and you have a solid idea, starting point, I just think you would benefit from losing some of the obvious wording and maybe drop the rhmying scheme altogether.
Best Regards
Vincent
Magical words
floating in my mind;
circling and hovering
where I am blind.
They come from above
like fresh falling snow.
Where they will settle,
I never know.
Like these flakes,
the words drift inside my skies,
translucent and shimmering,
as they pass behind my eyes.
My frail fingers fail
when they try to write
these words of wonder,
passing in flight.
There is nothing wrong with writing about words/muse/inspiration. But as its been done to death, I would think its important for the writer to tackle it from a different angle. Unfortunately, at present this is your bog standard approach. Please dont think I am being harsh, as thats not my intention. The poem itself would benefit from losing such words as
magical- there are better more apt words to use, also floating, circling and hovering all really say the same thing.
In the second stanza you dont really need to tell the reader that they come from above as that has been explained already. Snow is something that we have all used, maybe a more unqiue image would strenghen the stanza. Again in the third stanza you dont need to say " like these flakes" as we get what you are saying from the previous stanza. Translucent and shimmering are nice words but again are words often assocaited with snow etc. There is a poem in here, and you have a solid idea, starting point, I just think you would benefit from losing some of the obvious wording and maybe drop the rhmying scheme altogether.
Best Regards
Vincent
Magical words
floating in my mind;
circling and hovering
where I am blind.
They come from above
like fresh falling snow.
Where they will settle,
I never know.
Like these flakes,
the words drift inside my skies,
translucent and shimmering,
as they pass behind my eyes.
My frail fingers fail
when they try to write
these words of wonder,
passing in flight.
-
sleitofhand
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Thu Jan 16, 2014 3:25 am
Hello
First post on forum so hello to all. I tend to agree with cynwulf about s3 l2. Although, I am but a novice so please take my opinion with many salty pinches.
Possibly try to change some of the words for similar meanings, see if it changes the feel or the rhythm . It would be something I would try just for fun.
Kind Regards
Sleit
First post on forum so hello to all. I tend to agree with cynwulf about s3 l2. Although, I am but a novice so please take my opinion with many salty pinches.
Possibly try to change some of the words for similar meanings, see if it changes the feel or the rhythm . It would be something I would try just for fun.
Kind Regards
Sleit
Made some changes....brokenbridge wrote:Hi There.
There is nothing wrong with writing about words/muse/inspiration. But as its been done to death, I would think its important for the writer to tackle it from a different angle. Unfortunately, at present this is your bog standard approach. Please dont think I am being harsh, as thats not my intention. The poem itself would benefit from losing such words as
magical- there are better more apt words to use, also floating, circling and hovering all really say the same thing.
In the second stanza you dont really need to tell the reader that they come from above as that has been explained already. Snow is something that we have all used, maybe a more unqiue image would strenghen the stanza. Again in the third stanza you dont need to say " like these flakes" as we get what you are saying from the previous stanza. Translucent and shimmering are nice words but again are words often assocaited with snow etc. There is a poem in here, and you have a solid idea, starting point, I just think you would benefit from losing some of the obvious wording and maybe drop the rhmying scheme altogether.
Best Regards
Vincent
Magical words
floating in my mind;
circling and hovering
where I am blind.
They come from above
like fresh falling snow.
Where they will settle,
I never know.
Like these flakes,
the words drift inside my skies,
translucent and shimmering,
as they pass behind my eyes.
My frail fingers fail
when they try to write
these words of wonder,
passing in flight.
Words Of Wonder
Unfamiliar words
appear in my mind;
they oscillate
where I am blind.
They come from above
like fresh falling snow.
Where they will settle,
I never know.
The words drift
inside my skies,
their meaning coruscates,
as they pass behind my eyes.
My frail fingers fail
when they try to write
these words of wonder,
passing in flight.
Hi Mike,
It's certainly starting to form better in my eyes, though here:
"They come from above
like fresh falling snow.
Where they will settle,
I never know."
I can't help but feel that the fresh falling snow comparison is so overdone that it detracts quite obviously from the rest of the poem. In context it works, it just seems a little forced.. almost ironically given the idea that's trying to be put across.
Also here:
"The words drift
inside my skies,
their meaning coruscates,
as they pass behind my eyes."
A smaller change, but the rhythm seems off on the last line.
Instead of "pass behind", would you consider dropping a syllable for something like "hide from"?
It's certainly starting to form better in my eyes, though here:
"They come from above
like fresh falling snow.
Where they will settle,
I never know."
I can't help but feel that the fresh falling snow comparison is so overdone that it detracts quite obviously from the rest of the poem. In context it works, it just seems a little forced.. almost ironically given the idea that's trying to be put across.
Also here:
"The words drift
inside my skies,
their meaning coruscates,
as they pass behind my eyes."
A smaller change, but the rhythm seems off on the last line.
Instead of "pass behind", would you consider dropping a syllable for something like "hide from"?