my thoughts are that the poem is unfocused and a bit pointless, but i think i like its rhythms, which i won't bother trying to explain at least for now.All I have to my days
is a collection of half wishes and
cigarettes.
I would rather be less bored than this.
A piece of gum sits by the keyboard, what noise.
not experienced but want constructive criticism
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
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Antcliff
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Hello Clemonz!
Welcome to PG.
Is this a critique of a poem of a poster? If so, it should be posted on the thread of the original poem. I think perhaps you may be just getting the hang of the site?
Or is it one of yours that is being quoted?
We also encourage people to introduce themselves when they arrive.
There is an introductions section.
Also, since you say you are not experienced, I have shifted your poem over to the Beginner's Section. I hope you don't mind. You may get the requested response there.
Best wishes,
Seth
Welcome to PG.
Is this a critique of a poem of a poster? If so, it should be posted on the thread of the original poem. I think perhaps you may be just getting the hang of the site?
Or is it one of yours that is being quoted?
We also encourage people to introduce themselves when they arrive.
There is an introductions section.Also, since you say you are not experienced, I have shifted your poem over to the Beginner's Section. I hope you don't mind. You may get the requested response there.
Best wishes,
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
no i made a typo.Is this a critique of a poem of a poster? If so, it should be posted on the thread of the original poem. I think perhaps you may be just getting the hang of the site?
frustrating.Since you say you are not experienced, I have shifted your poem over to the Beginner's Section. I hope you don't mind. You may get the requested response there.
i have thick skin to people that are reasonable.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
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Ros
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Hi clemonz,
I think your first 3 lines are promising, but for me the rest doesn't really go anywhere. There's an interesting suggestion of ennui - cigarettes in a poem like this tend to make me feel like that - but then you spell out the boredom but without details. And I'm not getting the significance of noise relating to gum or keyboards.
I'm not detecting any particular rhythm, so can't really comment on that.
Ros
I think your first 3 lines are promising, but for me the rest doesn't really go anywhere. There's an interesting suggestion of ennui - cigarettes in a poem like this tend to make me feel like that - but then you spell out the boredom but without details. And I'm not getting the significance of noise relating to gum or keyboards.
I'm not detecting any particular rhythm, so can't really comment on that.
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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that's interesting, thanks. i am stuck right now unsure if my rhythms reflect what i am saying, or are just weak. would you like me to talk about how i read them - i worry i will sound a bit crazy?I'm not detecting any particular rhythm
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
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Ros
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No, not crazy at all. And anyway PG can absorb a lot of crazy...
When I talk about rhythm in poetry, I'm generally meaning that the reader can find a regular rhythm of heavy and light stresses that might fit a regular meter, or at least hint of one. In this case you've got the rhythm of natural speech but I'm not hearing anything more 'formal'. What were you aiming at?
When I talk about rhythm in poetry, I'm generally meaning that the reader can find a regular rhythm of heavy and light stresses that might fit a regular meter, or at least hint of one. In this case you've got the rhythm of natural speech but I'm not hearing anything more 'formal'. What were you aiming at?
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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ok i'm just gonna go all out and say.
ok so for me i like the exclamation at the end because if the comma is read as a ceasura then [it seems to me] the poem ends with an spondee rather than a trochee, i found this here expressive of ennui - how waiting for something makes the world slower and more shrill.
my apologies if my criticism is terrible
!
i like how cigarettes is and follows from a dactyl here. i thought the shift to that foot from the iambs echoes the loss of monotony in smoking.All I have to my days
is a collection of half wishes and
cigarettes.
ennui, like you sayI would rather be less bored than this.
just the setting of my boredom.the keyboard, what noise
ok so for me i like the exclamation at the end because if the comma is read as a ceasura then [it seems to me] the poem ends with an spondee rather than a trochee, i found this here expressive of ennui - how waiting for something makes the world slower and more shrill.
my apologies if my criticism is terrible
!"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
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brokenbridge
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Hi.
As mentioned the opening three lines are a good start but then nothing really happens thereafter, maybe thats the desired affect, i.e boredom etc.
I like the line break on ciggarettes.
cant really add anything else at present.
Sorry.
Best regards
Vincent
As mentioned the opening three lines are a good start but then nothing really happens thereafter, maybe thats the desired affect, i.e boredom etc.
I like the line break on ciggarettes.
cant really add anything else at present.
Sorry.
Best regards
Vincent
ok i get what you are saying - keep the poem interesting NOT just its rhythm... but what does anyone make of the analysis i posted before, is it simply crazy?
it's how i've thought about the poems i read for a while
it's how i've thought about the poems i read for a while
All I have to my days
is a collection of wishes and cigarettes.
Gum sits stuck by the keyboard,
what noise.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
btw thanks - this is by far the best feedback i've got so far, on all the forumsRos wrote:Hi clemonz,
I think your first 3 lines are promising, but for me the rest doesn't really go anywhere. There's an interesting suggestion of ennui - cigarettes in a poem like this tend to make me feel like that - but then you spell out the boredom but without details. And I'm not getting the significance of noise relating to gum or keyboards.
I'm not detecting any particular rhythm, so can't really comment on that.
Ros
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
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Ros
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Oh dear.
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Ros
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To be honest, you haven't actually posted a poem yet, or at least not anything I'd really recognise as such. Take a look at that Symmonds Roberts, pick one you like, see if you can write something similar. 3 verses, proper sentences, no abstractions. It's a challenge.clemonz wrote:ha. i haven't actually got enough feedback yet heh.
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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i don't understand this. not the short verse i posted here viewtopic.php?f=20&t=19446Ros wrote:To be honest, you haven't actually posted a poem yet, or at least not anything I'd really recognise as such. Take a look at that Symmonds Roberts, pick one you like, see if you can write something similar. 3 verses, proper sentences, no abstractions. It's a challenge.clemonz wrote:ha. i haven't actually got enough feedback yet heh.
i mean i am new to this, but i think they are poems... i admit that i may be seeing merits to them that aren't there though.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
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Ros
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Well, poetry is a wide thingy, but to me it tends to involve metaphor, imagery, sonics, language used in an interesting way, and perhaps looks at something from a new angle. But, as I say, it's a wide field.
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
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Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
i get what you're saying, and leaving aside the 'sonics' question for nowperhaps looks at something from a new angle
i will try harder on that.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
"it / has obviously made her think / about her cancer"
about sonics / rhythm... this is just a line from a poem i've been writing.
i agree that when said out loud, it doesn't grab you.
but when i scan the stresses, it seems [to me] to roar into life...
... e.g. i repeat "her", both times on an off bear, the second time on less of a stress (because shifting from 'ade' to 'her' is more difficult than from 'out' to 'her') emphasis. this means that the already very stressed can-cer, falls on a stronger beat... i thereby am emphasizing the hard "can" sound of 'cancer' as a constituent of the poem / meter.
that's sonics, right?
edited for simple mistake.
about sonics / rhythm... this is just a line from a poem i've been writing.
i agree that when said out loud, it doesn't grab you.
but when i scan the stresses, it seems [to me] to roar into life...
... e.g. i repeat "her", both times on an off bear, the second time on less of a stress (because shifting from 'ade' to 'her' is more difficult than from 'out' to 'her') emphasis. this means that the already very stressed can-cer, falls on a stronger beat... i thereby am emphasizing the hard "can" sound of 'cancer' as a constituent of the poem / meter.
that's sonics, right?
edited for simple mistake.
Last edited by clemonz on Fri Jan 24, 2014 10:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
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Ros
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Really, it's not all about the stresses! Sonics, to me, includes the different sounds of letters - so sharp, harsh sounds of c, k, f, etc, soft sounds of oo or sh or f etc, alliteration, half rhyme, assonance, the way words work together...
Stresses, unless the meter is formal, are tricky - in your eg I wouldn't be stressing the her so much. The hard sound of the cancer, yes, that's more the sort of thing to concentrate on. IMO.
Stresses, unless the meter is formal, are tricky - in your eg I wouldn't be stressing the her so much. The hard sound of the cancer, yes, that's more the sort of thing to concentrate on. IMO.
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
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sorry i edited out a simple mistake - i meant to say unstressed not stressed 'her'.
OK, i'll read some more poetry and think about that.Sonics, to me, includes the different sounds of letters - so sharp, harsh sounds of c, k, f, etc, soft sounds of oo or sh or f etc, alliteration, half rhyme, assonance, the way words work together...
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."
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Ros
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Well, I try it here viewtopic.php?f=44&t=18084 though this isn't the final version, and Conor's good http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrym ... oem/183097
Have a browse through the poetry foundation, it's a great site.
Have a browse through the poetry foundation, it's a great site.
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
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i'm asking too much now maybe but can you point out clever use of sonics in that
the hard c of called, with the t of tech and the alliteration of code, seems well timed, seems to fit the subject...I called up tech and got the voicemail code / It’s taken me this long to find my feet.
"It is not necessary that a poem should rely on its music, but if it does rely on its music that music must be such as will delight the expert."