For me

[Ewan_McTeagle]

There’s black coffee and white sheet.
Timeless tie and the new trend.
Wind by the river and hair of the scalp.
Pianos are silenced and dreams have no rush.
It’s half past midnight and five minutes too late.

Thoughts inbox slowing down their pace.
What is a fly on the window to the mood?
Like a gap in the programme or pause on the LP.
There’s probability and the stars and atoms
one by one. There’s iridescent fear and music
on the radio playing not only for me.
There’s a bit of laziness and pieces of bread
for the birds that are now decaying in the grass.
I am
colorblind
just as you wanted.
I am unfolding into this
new skin of mine.

[juliadebeauvoir]

Hi Ewan,
I read this twice to try to get the full meaning of it. I know what it is like to write a poem entirely for self. Especially if it is completely cathartic in nature. But you may want the benefit of comments when you post. They are very hard to give when your audience isn't clued in to what you are trying to convey.
Believe me, I have had my fair share of critiques on poems that I have written in the past that were twice as cryptic as this one. So I am not throwing stones...

Because I didn't have any background on this I had to read between the lines. So bear with me

There’s black coffee and white sheet.
Timeless tie and the new trend.

References the old versus the new fangled colors and 5000 varieties of coffee.

Wind by the river and hair of the scalp.
Pianos are silenced and dreams have no rush.
It’s half past midnight and five minutes too late.

Not making the connection between the wind and the hair of the scalp.
The other lines denote that the speaker feels apathetic, that everything is meaningless. I also got a 'color' sense of black and white from the first line and piano keys in this one.

Thoughts inbox slowing down their pace.
What is a fly on the window to the mood?
Like a gap in the programme or pause on the LP.
There’s probability and the stars and atoms
one by one. There’s iridescent fear and music
on the radio playing not only for me.

Now it gets technical and scientific. First the brain is a computer, then a fly on the window outside of itself and finally a skip on a LP. I really got lost on the 'iridescent fear' and the radio. LP's are not iridescent and neither are radios.

There’s a bit of laziness and pieces of bread
for the birds that are now decaying in the grass.
I am
colorblind
just as you wanted.
I am unfolding into this
new skin of mine.

Now we are back to lateness, deadness and apathy. You tried to be something other than what you are for someone else? I really think that you have a poem based on 'stream of consciousness' but it would help to give your reader more insight and background to work with.

Cheers,
Kimberly

[Ewan_McTeagle]

First of all I'll explain that this piece is about a break up, losing love and sense of everything. Of course that's the way I saw it when I wrote. If it has any other meaning for someone else then that's even better.

Because I didn't have any background on this I had to read between the lines. So bear with me

There�s black coffee and white sheet.
Timeless tie and the new trend.

References the old versus the new fangled colors and 5000 varieties of coffee.

I also wanted to get the contrast and the atmosphere of a home (coffee and white sheet). The "tie" piece is just simply passing of time.

Wind by the river and hair of the scalp.
Pianos are silenced and dreams have no rush.
It�s half past midnight and five minutes too late.

Not making the connection between the wind and the hair of the scalp.

I meant this to give the sense that everything is still there, thought it's too late for the lyrical subject (in that case me:). It's all over from his point of view.

Thoughts inbox slowing down their pace.
What is a fly on the window to the mood?
Like a gap in the programme or pause on the LP.
There�s probability and the stars and atoms
one by one. There�s iridescent fear and music
on the radio playing not only for me.

Now it gets technical and scientific. First the brain is a computer, then a fly on the window outside of itself and finally a skip on a LP. I really got lost on the 'iridescent fear' and the radio. LP's are not iridescent and neither are radios.


For inbox I meant a head:), but it's interesting the way you read it. Then the fly symbolizes a break(gap in the porgramme & pause on the LP are associations to underline that break that gets the Lyrical subject out of his mood for awhile.
Iridescent relates to fear; in the face of this new situation
and radio isn't playing only for me, that just means it doesn't play what you would like to hear:)

There�s a bit of laziness and pieces of bread
for the birds that are now decaying in the grass.
I am
colorblind
just as you wanted.
I am unfolding into this
new skin of mine.

Now we are back to lateness, deadness and apathy. You tried to be something other than what you are for someone else? I really think that you have a poem based on 'stream of consciousness' but it would help to give your reader more insight and background to work with.

The laziness and decay mean just that it's the end, it's over and it's slow and painful. And the blindness is just the end of the way (process). First there's black coffee and white sheet and now LS doesn't recognize any color. And he's trying to move on (the ending is very personal and may not be clear for everyone)

The whole piece is very personal and intimate for me. Yet I tried to make it as much readable as I could.
Of course it can be something completely different for any reader. Just as you read it your way Kimberly.

Thank you for your great crit and for your time.