Played Solitaire (working title)

[Sharon]

* Placed this initial poetry post on this board, as unsure just where to start









Beautiful navel. It's you and me again 
tonight. I could gaze for hours. Remember 

the outie who used to sleep nearby? 
At least we have the quilt and pima sheets 

to our linty, innie selves finally. You
might have missed me then, 

when his bicep was my pillow, his ear
my echo chamber. But you were there,

I knew. Waiting in your sour, puckered way. 
A sink within the matter-of-fact belly skin.











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[k-j]

Hi and welcome!

Enjoyed this poem. "Waiting in our soured, puckered way" is very good writing. I like the self-deprecatory aspect of the liberated narrator engaging in deep conversation with her navel, especially in the first two lines and "his ear / my echo chamber".

I wonder whether the last line is earning its keep. Seems to be trying hard to recapitulate the poem, to sum up - but I'd prefer something more ordinary. Bathetic isn't the right word but sort of a flat ending might be good?

Outies are certainly a strange breed (not that I've ever slept with one).

[twoleftfeet]

I really enjoyed this, Sharon - especially

.......................... You
might have missed me then,

when his bicep was my pillow, his ear
my echo chamber. But you were there,

I knew.

I also like the humorous contrast between "beautiful navel" and "sour, puckered/sink", plus the suggestion of
to "sink within" referring back to "gaze".

The title intrigues me, that is to say - the use of the past tense. All I can think is that the period of "solitaire" occurred during the relationship, when the advice/opinion of the superego was ignored.

Geoff

[Antcliff]

I liked this a lot, Sharon.

Bravo.

I think I'm voting for the last line. In part because I had not seen it as a sink..ha!. Also a sink is a slightly drab feature of domestic life, so the association adds to the sense of missing something lively. Also there is sinking in mood. My only puzzle was how to fit last line with the opening sentence. At first I thought..irony. Then I thought..pride and a swing against the outie. But then I thought...hey why can't a sink in a matter of fact setting be beautiful? Mine is.

I liked the contrast between the description of some of our own flesh as matter of fact..implying that sometimes the flesh of others is not.

And the two-levels in the description of N and the navel as "innies".

A lot going on here. I liked that.

Is it "Solitaire"?

Seth

[Macavity]

hi Sharon,
Engaging, conversational tone to the opening, liked the bicep pillow, don't really register with matter-of-fact skin, though liked the notion of the sink.

mac

[Elphin]

Welcome Sharon

I have read and re-read this and like it more each time.

What does it have going for it? Its an original take on break up; linty, outie and innie are great words to anchor the poem; you describe the inadequacy of the other in an understated way (the bicep, the unhearing ear) and the metre works to move the poem along.

Only downside for me is the last line. I think the penultimate line is so powerful the final line is a bit of a let down. As a thought could you reverse those two lines - would they still work for you?

I am going to move this up to Experienced if that is OK with you -- I would like this poem to get the attention it deserves.

look forward to more

elphin

[Ros]

Hi Sharon,

Good to see you here! I agree with the plaudits for this poem - much to enjoy. To my ear

At least we have the quilt and pima sheets

to our linty, innie selves finally.

this sounds a little flat - I think it's the finally at the end of the sentence. Possibly it's more a US construction than UK? Would you be writing more in that style? I think i'd vote with Elph on somehow swapping the last and penultimate lines - I love the touch of jealousy indicated there. I wonder if the title is quite doing the poem justice?

Ros

[1lankest]

Only just seen this. For what its worth I too think it's excellent. Do you need the 'I knew' at the end....I think this much is implied.
Good stuff.
Luke

[twoleftfeet]

I vote for not changing a single thing.

[bodkin]

Hi Sharon and welcome again!

I am enjoying this. I see why people pick up on the last line but I am torn, I find the reverting back to the naval from the reminiscence a little flat (which is odd, because bringing a poem full-circle usually rounds it off nicely) but at the same time you are saying something new about the naval and works that way.

I could take it either way.

I am reading "sink" not in the sense of "basin" but as in "sink hole", which I think is a very clever interpretation of a naval.

I am not sure that the title is really working for the poem... possibly because it relates to the actual subject matter (separation) rather than the nominal subject (naval). I have always liked "omphalos" as a word for naval, not that it comes up much in everyday conversation

Regards,

Ian

[LewisC]

Hi Sharon,

I love the cute imagery of the belly-buttons. It took a few reads to fully get it's meaning but it flows off the tongue so well I kept reading it over anyway. I took it as you're matter of fact about the whole situation and you don't mind he's not there because you get lost in your own 'innie'.
I have to agree with Ian that the title doesn't work for me either. I get that solitaire is played alone and enjoyed just like thee poems meaning but I think it deserves better.

[Sharon]

Oh my... I'm shamefully tardy in returning/replying to this! And everyone's been so generous and helpful. Many, many thank-you's, all around! Wow...I now have much to think on and some excellent ideas toward revision. Obviously, the title is weakening the piece; that will be changed for sure. And many other weaker points to polish, also...I am indebted and grateful to all for the fine help and keen eyes! It's good to be here.

Best,
Sharon

[Arian]

I'm late to this, I'm afraid, and I've little to add except to echo the general applause. it's funny, clever, reflective, original.

Personally, I'm in the pro title change camp, it's a bit awkward to my mind. But that's easily dealt with, if you want to. The piece itself is very good indeed.

Cheers
peter

Oh, and yes - welcome.