Pneumoconiosis (version2)

[Macavity]

gone to publ land

[David]

Welsh miners, yes? Although the Welshness of the dresser, and of Portmeirion (The Prisoner evoked?), seems like a bit of a distraction.

Despite that, however - only a minor point, in any case - I think it works very well.

Not sure about "gleams" in that context.

The beaked thief has torn the ribbons
of sleep.

A bit over-poetical, those ribbons of sleep? Maybe not.

Not long, knowing that rasp,
but still that itch to scratch.

Is this your Grandad?

Very good last verse!

Cheers

David

[Antcliff]

Yeh, nice last verse. Big use of title. Like that.

Do you need this, Mac?

all of

Seth

[Macavity]

Thanks David and Seth. Elements of fact and fiction as always. Made some tweaks in light of your comments.

all the best

mac

[Jackie]

Hi Mac,

I enjoyed this, especially the bone-white stone and the dust in the display window; such common images of real dryness.

Sorry, is the beaked thief an expression I don't know? And I'm not sure about using his in the 3rd stanza to refer to the Grandad (I assume) when we don't name him until the last stanza. Also, since N has a blistering thirst, I wonder if you'd find a way to emphasize the moistness of the cake, rather than its being chocolate.

As I said, much enjoyed.

Jackie

[ray miller]

The revised version is better, I think. My only suggestion would be that pecked might be preferable to torn, gives a greater impression of suffering over a longer period of time.

[Macavity]

Thanks Jackie and Ray. Appreciate the feedback. I've axed the second bird, replaced with some local detail.

all the best

mac

[Jackie]

Love this new revision, Mac. The word slab is perfect.

It's so easy to google the Markham mine. What did the beaked thief refer to? I'm familiar with black lung disease.

Jackie

[keith]

I like the revised version very much - the imagery works really well with the mood and...

Grandad, whiskered, mouthing air
as if a fish with pulsing gills.

... is quite powerful and rather beautiful.

[David]

Yes, nice revision, Mac.

[Antcliff]

Markham + Wels refs? Grandparents (or somebody) moved?

Like the revision.

Is there a play on the word "mine" Mac? I see it appears twice.

Seth

[Macavity]

Thanks Jackie, Seth and David for taking another look at this and Keith for the thumbs up on the revision.

What did the beaked thief refer to?

Just an image I've used in a couple of poems for destructive influences.

Is there a play on the word "mine" Mac?

Yes Seth, just some threading.

The mine:
http://www.welshcoalmines.co.uk/Gwent/Markham.htm

all the best

mac

[Antcliff]

Near as a kid...hence my confusion..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Markham_Main_Colliery

[bodkin]

I only looked at the new revision but I found it pleasantly spare and quite moving.

No particular nits.

Ian

[Macavity]

Cheers Ian.

all the best

mac

[KevJ]

Like version 2 better I think Mac. There is something quite moving about the image of "Grandad mouthing air". Powerful stuff.

[Macavity]

Thanks for the thumbs up Kev

all the best

mac