In the Clouds

[Suzanne]

In the Clouds

All the power of the universe is
at my fingertips and I could cause
oceans to open up and swallow
every drifting vessel in one gigantic wave.

With a word, I could command the sun
to flee from this sky and never return, or
declare it to hold fast where is sits
and tell you there shall never be another lonely night.
And you would see, this would all be so;
because the natural world is in my hand.

And if I told you, right now, a gale
is blowing through me, opening
every secret place in anticipation
and that the electricity
of ten thousand thunderheads pulses
in me, has laid me flat on my back,
and that the earth's mantel
has parted to expose the heat
blazing at its core, eager to consume
anything that comes within reach...
if I told you these things, you would see
them come to pass instantly before your eyes.

But even with all this at my disposal
my mind loops on that simple three word phrase
and my page remains blank.



.

[Arian]

Nicely done, Suzanne. A good idea, well executed. It evokes the frustrations of writer's block well, with a clever irony.

I wondered if 'create' (l2) would be better as 'cause'.

Nice piece
peter

[IainMichaelBryan]

Seems you are buzzing very expressively.

I like the build up of imagery, particularly the second verse, and the sense of excitement created as the images intensify. I assume 'the' in 'the all this at my disposal' was unintended, while the contradiction at the end is obviously deliberate, linking back to the opening.
Maybe the final verse could be stretched a bit further....?

Great stuff.

Iain

[joe77evans]

You know, I'd be happy without the final stanza - I preferred you as an imaginary goddess instead of a frustrated poet...

[Suzanne]

Thank you peter. Very glad you enjoyed it. The drama of poetry can certainly be fun. I love poetry.
I think you are right about create/cause so i changed it. Always nice to hear from you.

Iain, thanks. I hope i'm in a creative buzz, let's see. I corrected the typo. Thank you.

Joe, i prefer me as imaginary goddess, too.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Ros]

Much better without the last verse - but I always find poems about poetry/writing really dull. I like the first two verses, but I'm not keen on the incomplete sentence here:

And if I told you, right now, a gale
is blowing through me, opening
every secret place in anticipation
and that the electricity
of ten thousand thunderheads pulses
in me, has laid me flat on my back.

and if?

Ros

[Suzanne]

Thanks Ros. I corrected that sentence.

I understand your dislike of poems about writing/poetry.
My intial intent was to write about the way being in love disrupts brain function and causes an inability to think but it looks like it speaks also about being creatively stuck.

Thank you for your comments.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Antcliff]

My intial intent was to write about the way being in love disrupts brain function and causes an inability to think but it looks like it speaks also about being creatively stuck.

Yeh, with you, Suzanne. I read it as being about the consequences of falling love, but that is because I know it is a topic of yours at the moment. But the "frustrated poet" reading might well be seen. I rather agree that the poem would be good without the last stanza....a different poem (because it would not be quite he intended subject matter) but a good one. Goddess in the clouds..

Seth

[David]

My intial intent was to write about the way being in love disrupts brain function and causes an inability to think but it looks like it speaks also about being creatively stuck.

Yeh, with you, Suzanne.

Yes, that's what I thought too.

[Suzanne]

Thank you Seth and David for your comments.
Many in favor if removing those lines, i can understand that, yep. But a different poem, yep.
I might remove the end thought -if i ever is seen outside this little room!

I appreciate the input.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[MikeAcker]

Very interesting, Susanne. I like it!

It is also very true, in the sense that a poet can make anything happen, and do so with the intensity and magic you described.
Also interesting is how sometimes our frustration with the creative process is itself creative, which could mean that thought, any thought is also art, or poetry!
My only nit is to change gigantic to maybe immense or massive.

I have always believed that women had the powers you described. Was I wrong?

[k-j]

Suzanne, I don't like this, sorry.

"All the power of the universe is at my fingertips", really?? It's like He-Man doing a commercial for Apple. There must be a better way of expressing the power you draw from love. Rather, there are, because many have found them. Same goes for the rogue wave/tsunami image. Cheesy.

I like "because the natural world is in my hand" but I think it would be much better as the beginning of a sentence, and one without the image of the sun fleeing, eclipses and all that hoodoo.

"Opening / every secret place" ... "electricity"... "pulses"... "laid me flat on my back"... "parted to expose", consume, etc... have you considered submitting this in prose form to Mills & Boon?

The last three lines seek to make it about writing but are too little and too late and I agree with Ros that writing about writing is futile.

[1lankest]

Hi Suzanne,

Not sure how this has been received but I'm not sure about it. I feel like I've read so many of poems like this (presumably about love?) with overblown elementary metaphors and such like. 'A gale is blowing through me' - surely this is an overused cliche?

'And you would see, this would all be so;
because the natural world is in my hand.' - this is interesting. I wonder what you are talking about here? The ending suggests it is about writing but that is not clear from the rest. Some nice writing but not for me this one. Sorry.

Cheers,

Luke

[steamboats]

I thought it read beautifully, very sensual, nicely phrased. Of course love a hackneyed topic, but liked it

[Suzanne]

Hi! I apologize for such late replies. School started and i fell of the radar!

Thank you Mike, Luke and steamboats i am glad you enjoyed it. I loved writing it.
It is fun to hear my stuff is generally liked.

Thank you K-j for your comments. I am glad you told me you did not care for this. It is good to hear these comments too. It was written with a mix of enthusiasm and frustration. I agree that i could work harder at finding more unique and original phrasing but, well, not all the time. Sometimes the pleasure is in communicating more than in creating art. I suppose i should keep those poems to myself but i enjoy sharing.
I wish i truly grasped the Mills and Boone thing. I should google it.
Thanks again.

Warmly,
Suzanne