Sorry for posting twice in a day. Just thought I'd show the other side of the coin. Thanks for your feedback on "New shoes for grandad".
ANGELS
Scraping at the grubby, grimy sludge of human-not-so-kind,
I struggle and I stumble as I try to make my way,
Through carelessly discarded entrails of long-lost souls,
Not dead, or dead in all but name, but writhing in the squalor of the day.
The rat-infested, rotten, raging pits of eminence,
Ablaze and brazen, well-defended parapets of power,
Will pay the price of thrice their disregard of poor, embittered angels,
As the angels once again forgive them all that they devour.
21st May 2006
Angels
I dunno, religious themes and ideas like angels can work, but because they've been used poetry for, I dunno, thousands of years, in relatively the same manner, they're kind of over-used. Gotta be careful how they're used, in my opinion.
Here's one from my early early days, last March, one I still read and cringe at now. Your poem reminded me of it:
Veins crack and bleed their sap, repugnant, craved
xxxby shades surrounding, sipping pools of blood.
The rough bark oozes from the gnarled enclaves,
xxxand pours out guilt like oily, grainy mud.
Fell men un-masked, un-faced, beheaded sins,
xxxbut could not lift their veil: death's poison filled
their tongues. But then one died to scorch shade skin,
xxxwhose blood is to the shadows sour, shrill,
who will excuse no more the hearts undone
xxxand stripped, displayed in nakedness, defiled.
Grapes crushed in bitter wine, nailed bread here hung
xxxrestores the life of earth’s young hungry child.
xxxThese drops of blood swell dusty tongues exalted
xxxthis day, by a dark tree where death’s feast halted.
That's back when I was learning the fundamentals of sonnets. Yours reminded me of it because they make the same mistakes, for example, compounding our descriptors-
grubby, grimy
un-masked, un-faced
sour, shrill
rat-infested, rotten,
There's also this feeling of "would you really say it that way if you weren't trying to fill out a line?"
I will definitely say, though, yours is better.
- Caleb
Here's one from my early early days, last March, one I still read and cringe at now. Your poem reminded me of it:
Veins crack and bleed their sap, repugnant, craved
xxxby shades surrounding, sipping pools of blood.
The rough bark oozes from the gnarled enclaves,
xxxand pours out guilt like oily, grainy mud.
Fell men un-masked, un-faced, beheaded sins,
xxxbut could not lift their veil: death's poison filled
their tongues. But then one died to scorch shade skin,
xxxwhose blood is to the shadows sour, shrill,
who will excuse no more the hearts undone
xxxand stripped, displayed in nakedness, defiled.
Grapes crushed in bitter wine, nailed bread here hung
xxxrestores the life of earth’s young hungry child.
xxxThese drops of blood swell dusty tongues exalted
xxxthis day, by a dark tree where death’s feast halted.
That's back when I was learning the fundamentals of sonnets. Yours reminded me of it because they make the same mistakes, for example, compounding our descriptors-
grubby, grimy
un-masked, un-faced
sour, shrill
rat-infested, rotten,
There's also this feeling of "would you really say it that way if you weren't trying to fill out a line?"
I will definitely say, though, yours is better.
- Caleb
I quite like this, I think it works - It's certainly a grotesque image of human society - unfortunately it contains many truths. A little Danteish, without the underworld travel.
'I struggle and I stumble as I try to make my way,
Through carelessly discarded entrails of long-lost souls,'
Could be Odysseus in Tartarus.
Good one
Barrie
'I struggle and I stumble as I try to make my way,
Through carelessly discarded entrails of long-lost souls,'
Could be Odysseus in Tartarus.
Good one
Barrie
Thanks for the feedback guys. I'm totally uneducated as far as poetry is concerned so I don't know what you mean, Caleb, when you talk about compounding descriptors being a mistake. If it is a no-no, what would be better? I'd thank you, and indeed any other experienced writer, to educate me in these matters. Cheers.
Mick - I like this, because it speaks to me - I don't know what it means to you - but it reminds of a regular day at the office - yes - at the front line of social care!
Some of the imagery is marvellously grotesque - and the presentation feels bitter and angry - but some days - that is where it's at!
Thanks for this.
Some of the imagery is marvellously grotesque - and the presentation feels bitter and angry - but some days - that is where it's at!
Thanks for this.
Oh! I'm sorry I should have been more clear (not a big surprise with me).
Compound adjectives aren't a mistake* if the two adjectives add something different. It just gets to be overkill if they overlap and one is just a repeat of the other. It makes it look forced and clues the reader into the meter.
Like this :
My cousin was a tall and giant boy.
ie, giant implies tall.
just like in my poem -
sour, shrill - sour kind of implies shrill
or in your poem -
grubby, grimy - could probably use just one
Does that make more sense? Basically it's about not crowding up a poem with words that mean the same thing.
- Caleb
* It was pretentious of my to call it a "mistake," I guess. This is all my opinion based on what I've seen.
Compound adjectives aren't a mistake* if the two adjectives add something different. It just gets to be overkill if they overlap and one is just a repeat of the other. It makes it look forced and clues the reader into the meter.
Like this :
My cousin was a tall and giant boy.
ie, giant implies tall.
just like in my poem -
sour, shrill - sour kind of implies shrill
or in your poem -
grubby, grimy - could probably use just one
Does that make more sense? Basically it's about not crowding up a poem with words that mean the same thing.
- Caleb
* It was pretentious of my to call it a "mistake," I guess. This is all my opinion based on what I've seen.
Many thanks to all of you. I can see why this site is getting more popular by the day. I also see the sense in what you say, Caleb. Thanks for the tutorial. Incidentally, is "grubby, grimey" called alliteration (if that's how you spell it) because the two words start with the same letter, or is alliteration something else? Don't feel compelled to reply if you're too busy. I really will have to learn some English - it's just finding the time.
Thanks again,
Mick
Thanks again,
Mick