Size Eight Still / revision 4

[1lankest]

Revision 4

Between poplars
and a strip of kale

wood sorrel thirsts
through cracks

I come
to see the kestrels

in the gable
of the aircraft hanger,

the boot print
where concrete set

securing your attempt
at immortality -

Rain pools
in the heel.

Leaves linger,
line the tread:

I place my foot in yours
dislodge the crud.

For an instant
I’m rooted

with wings
to fledge.


Revision 3

The track between the poplar row
and strip of kale is gated now;
wood sorrel grows in thinner tufts
through cracks in tyre ruts
that deepen with the seasons.
Spring, I return to see the kestrels
in the gable of the old tithe barn;
then further on, in the hanger yard,
the boot print where concrete set
securing your attempt at immortality.
Today, evening rain pools in the heel
where autumn leaves linger,
reduced to mulch, lining the tread
like threshing on a stable floor.
I place my foot in yours, dislodge the crud.


Revision 2


The track between the poplar row
and strip of kale is gated now;
wood sorrel grows in thinner tufts
through cracks in tyre ruts
that deepen with the seasons.
Spring, I return to see the kestrels
in the gable of the old tithe barn;
then further on, in the hanger yard,
the boot print where concrete set
too late to spoil your attempt
at immortality. It seemed peculiar
to me then, for you to act that way.
Today, evening rain pools in the heel
where autumn leaves linger,
reduced to mulch, lining the tread
like threshing on a stable floor.
I place my foot in yours, dislodge the crud.


Revision

The track between the poplar row
and strip of kale is gated now;
wood sorrel grows in thinner tufts

through cracks in tyre ruts
that deepen with the seasons.
Spring, I return to see the kestrels

in the gable of the old tithe barn;
then further on, in the hanger yard,
the boot print where concrete set

too late to spoil your attempt
at immortality. It seemed defeatist
to me then, for you to act that way.

Today, evening rain pools in the heel
where autumn leaves linger,
reduced to mulch, lining the tread

like threshing on a stable floor.
I place my foot in yours, dislodge
the sludge, and step off into dusk.

Original

The track between the poplar row
and strip of kale is gated now;
wood sorrel grows in thinner tufts

through cracks in tyre ruts
that deepen with the seasons.
Spring, I return to see the kestrels

in the gable of the old tithe barn;
then further on, in the hanger yard,
the boot print where concrete set

too late to scupper your attempt
at immortality. It seemed churlish
to me then, for you to think that way.

[steamboats]

Really good idea, well achieved till the end. Why would it seem churlish to you for them to seek that form of immortality? No sure churlish the right word. Also why would the concrete set too late to scupper? Too early maybe.
Think the concept behind this really good and the language you use taut, but the end needs to be reworked.

[ray miller]

Enjoyed the language, rhythm very much. Like steamboats I'm puzzled by the ending. Do you mean

the boot print where concrete set

too late and scuppered your attempt
at immortality. It seemed churlish
to me then, for you to think that way.

But churlish seems the wrong word to me also.

[dedalus]

I think 'churlish' fits well, since it was then not now. A very evocative rather memory-laden piece which I thought was very finely done. Kudos, LUKE!!

Cheers, Bren

[1lankest]

Thanks guys, I'm really confused now!

The concrete was wet (thus set too late), leaving the subject with a chance to imprint her boot sole there?

If the concrete had set the subject wouldn't have had a chance - hence scuppered.

To me the way I've written it makes sense?

But clearly it's not working.

Help!

Luke

[1lankest]

And would 'childish' be better than churlish? I chose churlish to suggest ignoble defeatism in the face of mortality.

I still think it works but, again, the reader is sovereign.

[Ros]

Reading carefully, set too late works fine for me.
Not convinced by churlish - also you to think seems wrong, as we're not sure of her motives, just her action. Plus you're saying churlish to you then - which implies you may have revised your opinion now, but you don't follow that idea up.

Ros

[elotrooso]

Hi, Luke. I like this piece. Personally I had no trouble with the sense of the concrete setting too late to resist the bootprint. I seem to be on outside of the readings so far: while I too don't know why churlish was how N felt at the time; I just accept that it was the case and am left to ponder on that churlishness - which I don't find problematic.

[Antcliff]

And would 'childish' be better than churlish? I chose churlish to suggest ignoble defeatism in the face of mortality.

I am not sure that either "churlish" or "childish" quite suggest a charge of "defeatism". I wonder: why not say "defeatist" if it is the word that best fits?

Seth

[ray miller]

The concrete passage is clear to me now, post-explanation. I'm inclined to think it's the concluding sentence that fools the reader into misinterpretation. I can't see what churlish has to do with it. Reading between the lines you seem to want something like faithless?

[1lankest]

Thanks ros, I see your point. I hoped the action would imply the thought? Would 'for you to act that way' be better?

Do you it needs expanding to fulfil itself?

Thanks Seth, that's a very good idea. Think I'll take defeatist. How strange not to think of it the first time.

Thanks elotrooso. Glad you liked it.

Cheers Ray, do you think defeatist would work?

[1lankest]

Revision up

[ray miller]

Yeah, I think defeatist works and the added verses have enhanced the original, though perhaps tread/bed is too pat a rhyme.

[1lankest]

Thanks for returning Ray,

Will change bed to 'floor'.

Luke

[elotrooso]

Luke, quite like the new ending

"dislode/the sludge, and step off into dusk." The sonics are great; the d, s, d sounds are lovely; there's a sense of motion that is brought up short by the last word being monosyllabic and ending on the hard consonant. It is like "Poof, gone, over, the end." An exclamation mark withot an exclamation mark. Yup.

O

[1lankest]

Thanks O,

I'll take 'quite like' at this stage! Cheers for returning.

[Antcliff]

Yeh, with the others in liking the edit, Luke.

Seth

[David]

Oh heck. I don't understand the defeatism. Why would it be defeatist (shocking pun, by the way - de feetest) for her to attempt immortality? Quite bold, on the contrary, surely?

I'm missing something fundamental here, clearly. A simple explanation will suffice to clear my furrowed brow, Luke.

Cheers

David

[Ros]

Oh heck. I don't understand the defeatism. Why would it be defeatist (shocking pun, by the way - de feetest) for her to attempt immortality? Quite bold, on the contrary, surely?

I'm missing something fundamental here, clearly. A simple explanation will suffice to clear my furrowed brow, Luke.

Cheers

David

No, I'm not getting defeatist either, Luke.

Ros

[1lankest]

Hi guys, fair question.

I was hoping to suggest that to attempt to transcend one's mortality through any material act (religious worship, imprinting one's boot in concrete) is in a sense an act of surrender, and thus churlish, ignoble or defeatist. It is to deny the wonderfully unlikely accident of our transient existences. I see it could conversely be seen as defiant, but that's not my world view.

Writing this now it seems stupid and over ambitious.....

Hear hear, I hear you echo!

Luke

[Antcliff]

Hi guys, fair question.

I was hoping to suggest that to attempt to transcend one's mortality through any material act (religious worship, imprinting one's boot in concrete) is in a sense an act of surrender, and thus churlish, ignoble or defeatist. It is to deny the wonderfully unlikely accident of our transient existences. I see it could conversely be seen as defiant, but that's not my world view.

Writing this now it seems stupid and over ambitious.....

Hear hear, I hear you echo!

Luke

No, I won't echo it. It seems neither stupid or over/ambitious. However, that the act would be defeatist for specifically the reason you give may be something that is not peeping from the text quite enough as yet?


Seth

[1lankest]

Indeed Seth, I need to drop more clues. Oh dear - gauntlet duly thrown down.....! Cheers again, grateful for your continued advice on this, Seth.

[oranggunung]

Hi Luke

I’m coming to this rather late, so appreciate you may feel that all has been said and done already.

I’ve read all the comments, so understand the intent of the author and the confusion of the readers.

Reading this for the first (and second and third) times, S4 appears to be where the poem closes ranks and forces the reader along the same track as the author. I suspect S4 may be the most personal part of the poem, but I wonder if you could consider cutting it?

I appreciate that the philosophy is lost without S4, but wonder if the piece is then opened out for readers. While there are lots of gaps in an S4-free version, I suspect readers could bring their own experience to fill them.


best wishes

og

[1lankest]

Hi og,

Thanks for detailed comments.
I get your point but I don't want to dtch it totally.

How about if I change 'defeatist' to 'peculiar', that way it isn't explicitly philosophical and allows the reader to come to their own conclusion about the view point of N?

Luke

[steamboats]

It's guid. Might be tempted to finish the last line at sludge? Still don't know why it's defeatist though