Lips like a straight edge.
Glossy eyes; almost high.
Silent type,
Doesn't say much,
Quite, concise; mostly.
Emotional.
But I can’t tell you why,
Looks like, life in a barrel
Closed sky, encircled
Blue ceiling.
Puffs of white drifting by.
Puffs of smoke, headphones:
Listing to songs from before my time.
I love me
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- Perspicacious Poster
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- Location: At the end of stanza 3
Hi
I rather liked this line..
Wonder why there a comma here?
I rather liked this line..
Hope that the comma is redundant and you are saying thay they look like life is a barrel?Looks like, life in a barrel
Wonder why there a comma here?
Not sure. Should it be "listening"?Quite, concise
SethListing to songs from before my time.
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
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- Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2014 6:36 pm
Some really good points, thank you. I definitely need to revise.Antcliff wrote:Hi
I rather liked this line..
Hope that the comma is redundant and you are saying thay they look like life is a barrel?Looks like, life in a barrel
Wonder why there a comma here?
Not sure. Should it be "listening"?Quite, concise
SethListing to songs from before my time.
I suppose the title was fair warning but this comes across as not much more than a narcissistic poem. It's not bad writing although I don't think it's especially interesting or fun either. I do like "quite concise, mostly", the mostly is quite funny. And I dig the note of irony in "emotional".
I think until the last two lines the poem still has the potential to say something striking, but it just seems to disappear into nothingness. Listening to songs before your time, OK, but so what? Don't lots of people do that? By itself it doesn't seem to say very much.
Perhaps what it would benefit from is some strong negative, some harsh self-criticism to deflect the charge of vacant navel-gazing.
I think until the last two lines the poem still has the potential to say something striking, but it just seems to disappear into nothingness. Listening to songs before your time, OK, but so what? Don't lots of people do that? By itself it doesn't seem to say very much.
Perhaps what it would benefit from is some strong negative, some harsh self-criticism to deflect the charge of vacant navel-gazing.
fine words butter no parsnips
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- Perspicacious Poster
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- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
I like this. I think the ending is suitably downbeat, disparaging. You do mean listening to songs...?
The best bit
Emotional.
But I can’t tell you why,
Looks like, life in a barrel
Quite, concise; mostly. - I wondered if you meant Quiet.
The best bit
Emotional.
But I can’t tell you why,
Looks like, life in a barrel
Quite, concise; mostly. - I wondered if you meant Quiet.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.