Ashmolean / revision

[1lankest]

Revision

These arabesques, merchant doors
of the finest teak, are out of place

within these walls. Soon they'll
be freed into the bazaars and palaces

of the past, to breathe as before
the air of an Arabian sun. And this

English guitar, circa 1600, weeping
in pidgin Spanish through its patch

of glass, returned to court and Gloriana,
cradled by a swarthy cad, primed

and plucked. In time the tapestries
will fade in daylight, desert winds;

the doors will eventually rot, their
hinges rust. But always the music

will resonate, more or less as it was,
in a creole I cannot place.

Original

These arabesques, merchant doors
of the finest teak, are out of place
within these walls. Soon they'll be freed,

as beasts into the bazaars and palaces
of the past, to breathe as before the air
of an Arabian sun, jasmine. And this

English guitar, circa 1600, gently weeping
in pigeon Spanish through its patch of glass,
returned to court and Gloriana, cradled

by a swarthy cad, primed and plucked.
In time the tapestries will fade, washed
in suds of daylight, dried in desert winds.

Doors will close, indefinitely. But always
the music will resonate, more or less
as it was, in a creole I cannot place.

[steamboats]

Lush and sensual.

'Soon they'll be freed'.......I presume you mean in your imagination? In which case why 'as beasts'?

After 'primed and plucked' we're suddenly propelled back from our fantasy to fading tapestries dried by desert winds. In the Ashmolean? I don't see a coherent narrative there. Why will doors close indefinitely?

Like ' a creole I cannot place'

[ray miller]

I thought, for just a moment, this might be yet another poem about encroaching Islamic culture. But surely not, not here on Poets' Graves!

as beasts into the bazaars and palaces
of the past, to breathe as before the air
of an Arabian sun, jasmine. And this

jasmine seems poorly placed. Do you need it at all?

gently weeping - too close to While My Guitar Gently Weeps?
in pigeon Spanish through its patch of glass, pigeon or pidgin?

The language and rhythm are exquisite. Well, maybe not suds of daylight. I'm not sure I catch the whole drift but I can put my own spin on things.

[David]

The language and rhythm are exquisite.

I think the language is exquisite, with some lovely phrases. The rhythm, I thought, was a bit all over the place, but I may attach too much importance to regular line lengths. I did think that was what was intended here, though. Apologies if not!

Cheers

David

[1lankest]

Cheers steam, I agree beasts should go, especially given Ray's interpretation! Don't want to get in trouble!
I hadnt intended the shift back to museum, we were supposed to still be back in their original settings. Perhaps the revision will clear that up.

Ray, cheers. I agree about jasmine and gently weeps, although I had intended the link to the song! You're right about pidgin and I've ditched the suds! I hadn't intended the satire, but having read it through your eyes it is scarily scathing!

David, cheers. You and your line lengths are the bane of my life - and thank goodness! I need to be kept in check on this. I hope the revision improves it but I'm sure you will dissent further!

Thanks again for v helpful comments.

Luke

[Marc]

Enjoyed this - no real nits from me


Marc

[Macavity]

I liked the poem too Luke. Read easily enough for me. Especially liked teak/plucked. A few thoughts. Wondered if you could bring the Sirocco into play. Creole took the geography and flavour to French/Louisiana whereas the rest had the old world heat. Either way I definitely axe the weeping thread to modernity. Perhaps there is an essence kept alive in the oral traditions that relics cannot communicate or preserve.

all the best

mac

[elotrooso]

And this

English guitar, circa 1600, weeping
in pidgin Spanish through its patch

of glass, returned to court and Gloriana,
cradled by a swarthy cad, primed

and plucked.

Hi, Luke.

I think I must be a little dense. I keep stumbling on the guitar passage. It starts out weeping behind a patch of glass. In that situation it doesn't seem like it could be cradled, primed or plucked by anyone. So, it seems I must interpret "returned to court and Gloriana" as indicative of it being taken out of its glass case and played in front of N. But would that be sufficient to make the Ashmolean "court" ( unless the Queen and advisors are also there.)

Whether the guitar is in a glass case in the Ashmolean or outside of it being played, is it not in both cases already in Gloriana?

Maybe I'm completely out to lunch. In which case, apologies. Probably safe to ignore

Ken

[ray miller]

I had another look on seeing David's remarks about the rhythm being all over the place. This was the only place I thought that of

within these walls. Soon they'll
be freed into the bazaars and palaces

then I saw you'd changed this from the original. I much prefer this

within these walls. Soon they'll be freed
into the bazaars and palaces

[1lankest]

Thanks Marc,

Thanks Mac, interesting. I agree about creole, it does direct ones senses west instead of east. Will ponder how to work sirrocco in there. Cheers.

Hi Ken, yours are legitimate confusions. The action is taking place in the imagination of the museum goer. He is musing that the objects return to their former times and places, and that, although there they will decay faster than in their cabinets, they will be free. Hence the music! Make sense?

Cheers Ray, I agree. Doh.

Luke

[elotrooso]

Ah, yes, Luke. Got it. Like I said : a bit dense. (Me, I meam.)

[1lankest]

Not dense at all, Ken. I guess it could be interpreted in many different ways. Cheers for commenting.

Luke