Shadow (formerly, Waxing) now waxing again

[Richard]

Waxing

My daughter loves the lunar shadow,
painted by the frost-thin crescent,

talks of how that extra darkness
is a magnet drawing in the beauty.

She tells me how we see, but don't see,
that the whole moon is an echo,

just a shawl of darkness
crouched behind the luminescence.

She whispers what the stillness tells me, Dad,
the words are mine from here on.


Shadow

V2

My daughter loves the lunar shadow
painted by the frost-thin crescent,
talks of how that extra darkness
is a magnet: drawing in the beauty,
swinging like a pendant round her young neck.
Tells me how you see but don't see
how the whole moon is an echo, just a shawl
of darkness lit from silver phosphorescent
in a way that speaks of size and distance.
Tells me how this girl will tell me, Dad,
the words are mine from here on.

V1

My daughter loves the lunar shadow
painted by the frost-thin crescent,
talks of how that extra darkness
is a magnet: drawing in the beauty,
swinging like a pendant round her young neck.
You can see but not see how the shawl
is lit from silver phosphorescent
in a way that speaks of size and distance,
tells me how this girl will tell me, Dad,
the words are mine from here on.

[camus]

I'll be perfectly honest, the combination of "waxing" and "daughter" left me feeling slightly uncomfortable! Maybe just me? But perhaps a change to the title that relates more to poem? Something on the lines of "Just a Phase" or words to that effect? Or even "Phased" I'll leave that with you (obligatory lol)

Some really nice phrasing to enjoy.

"You can see but not see"

I do enjoy almost colloquial phrasing. Those phrases that quite obviously could be condensed, but for some reason are better left in their "innocent" state. I'm not sure if the above works or not? perhaps it does in context?

Nice one
Kris

[Nash]

I'll be perfectly honest, the combination of "waxing" and "daughter" left me feeling slightly uncomfortable! Maybe just me?

Not just you, Kris.

But is that deliberate? If I'm reading this correctly, it's about a daughter growing up? In which case using the waxing moon as a metaphor is not only apt, but very clever.

I usually have an aversion to people writing about their children, but this really is charming.

Cheers,
Nash.

[Macavity]

hi Richard

I like that notion of darkness being a magnet in this context. Would L5 be more moon magic without the like or a source of confusion?

tells me how this girl will tell me, Dad,
the words are mine from here on.

I guess you want to stamp some clarity and directness here, but the dad line dilutes the message with sentiment in my opinion.

enjoyed

all the best

mac

[Richard]

Oh my, maybe I need to call it waxing moon just to cope with a gentleman's dark recesses....Mac, I could just delete Dad. I quite like the direct address but will ponder...

Thanks all

[Mic]

Hi Richard,

I'm struggling with this.

Too many (?) 'leaning verbs', (a construction that I've been told I over use, and it might be for that reason that I'm finding them distracting).

'Painted' doesn't seem like the right word... or at least I can't picture the activity of it.

There is a syntax issue for me in the first sentence - I can't quite work out what is being said and find the references to the lunar shadow as a magnet then a pendant and then later there is talk of a shawl.

I like the lines and the words you use, but overall am left feeling confused about what has just happened....

I think also another title would be better.

Mic

[Ros]

Aren't leaning verbs an idea of Nell at Happenstance? I've found her ideas of poetry and mine don't meet very well! I'm a bit confused by the shawl - is she wearing it?

Ros

[Mic]

Ros - yep, the phrase seems to have been coined by Nell. I do like her blog - and her taste in poetry!

[Ros]

Ros - yep, the phrase seems to have been coined by Nell. I do like her blog - and her taste in poetry!

I'm finding the number of things she doesn't like too restrictive for my taste. But I can see where she's coming from, reading so many submissions that all the common factors must stand out a mile. And she hates my stuff, so I'm probably biased! I find most of her publications a bit simplistic for my taste.

Ros

[Richard]

Ooh, what's a leaning verb? Ill think about how to gently clarify shawl.

Thanks

R

[Richard]

Dad stays! Thanks for the crits. Have tried to address. Think I now need to work on the line breaks.

[ray miller]

I thought Waxing was a good title. I'd have liked the rhythm established in the first 3 lines to have continued and don't really see the need for a colon after magnet.

in a way that speaks of size and distance. - do you really need that line?

Tells me how this girl will tell me, Dad,
the words are mine from here on.

That's a lovely ending.

[Richard]

Ray, I think you might be right about that line. Ta!

[oranggunung]

Hi Richard

I like the ideas at play here, but am still finding some awkwardness with the language in the revision. It seems a shame to have “shadow” as the title, only for the same word to appear in the first line. I don’t imagine you want to change the title again, but wondered whether “penumbra” might work. It’s a partial shadow, between light and full shade. It might fit the transitional aspect of the poem.


just a shawl
of darkness lit from silver phosphorescent

The “silver phosphorescent” feels too overtly poetic and seems to take the sentence on a convolution too far. There’s a lot to disentangle.


Tells me how this girl will tell me, Dad,

The repetition of “tell” in this line causes a bump each time. I think I’m trying to work out if the word is being used in different ways and so keep asking myself if I should be reading it as one thing, but understanding it as another. When I first read this, I thought the sentence should begin with something like “warns”. But I’m not so sure now.

Sorry to pick and poke. I get drawn into these things sometimes and can’t help myself. I like what you have here, but not without reservation.


best wishes

og

[Macavity]

Ooh, what's a leaning verb?

I'd like to know too - Ros?Mic?

I prefer the Waxing title.

mac

[Elphin]

Richard

I read this a while back and found it charming and I am drawn to return to it.

You have had plenty crits so I will just add one to endorse what Og says on the couple of points he makes and to reinforce what Ray says -- lovely ending.

I would like to offer a slightly different perspective too, one that might lift the poem, which is to suggest not to start with my daughter. First off, you are in danger of losing right at the start those who have read too many twee poems about people's kids, and this isn't one of them so ti would be a shame to lose the reader. Second, if that line wasn't there, the poem would read as a love poem until your reveal in the last two lines that it is about growing up. I think that reveal would have made me smile and as I say elevated the poem.

Just a thought

elph

[Richard]

Thank you all. I am a picker and pokerer and find it helpful not annoying. I'm grateful for all these thoughts.

Richard

[Ros]

The 'leaning verb' thing comes from Nell at Happenstance (she writes an amusing blog which you can easily find). She gets a lot of submissions and is I think a bit jaded about the habits of Comtemp Po, as she calls it - the same techniques and style appearing time after time. As far as I can see, she has invented the term leaning verb: "the tendency to write lines where two or more verb clauses are appended to the same subject, often towards a high point", eg

She reaches for her pen, scribbles a few lines,
wonders why the world hasn't collapsed.


It is something you see a lot of. Whether it's a problem is more of a personal opinion.

Ros

[Richard]

Thanks Ros. Not sure I see her general problem, but may check out the blog...!

[Macavity]

The 'leaning verb' thing comes from Nell at Happenstance (she writes an amusing blog which you can easily find). She gets a lot of submissions and is I think a bit jaded about the habits of Comtemp Po, as she calls it - the same techniques and style appearing time after time. As far as I can see, she has invented the term leaning verb: "the tendency to write lines where two or more verb clauses are appended to the same subject, often towards a high point", eg

She reaches for her pen, scribbles a few lines,
wonders why the world hasn't collapsed.


It is something you see a lot of. Whether it's a problem is more of a personal opinion.

Ros

Thanks for coming back Ros.

[Macavity]

Very much like V3. Feels cleaner. Maybe a case for pruning silver. Perhaps. I like your edit to the concluding lines.

all the best

mac

[oranggunung]

I like v3 too.

Nice one

og

[Richard]

Mac, silver, yes! Will do that now. Thanks both

[ray miller]

Very good now. I wonder where silver was, as this line seems a beat short - just a shawl of darkness