Feral child

[Gbn]

A child is feral, willing and able to run loose to the end of a noose
It's mother and father both doubled in laughter no knowledge of after
The child must eat out on the street, looks in the bin, there's food within
The mother and father order a curry, there's no hurry to start to worry.
The bottle, the needle, the pill or the crack,
The weed the coke the speed or the smack
Always something or someone to blame, never a reason for them to feel shame
The child sits at the door of his home, hoping for love he never has known.
It might come tomorrow.

[Ros]

I like the chance of pace and feeling in the last line, but it all feels as if it's driven by the rhyming words. Perhaps try it without?

Ros

[Gbn]

Thanks for comment. Rhyme was intended to drive the piece along but can seem quite contrived. Gbn

[Jackie]

Reading this, I had the feeling I was hearing the summary of a poem—what you might respond if I asked you what your poem was about—the "big picture," but not the poem itself. Maybe one way of getting at the poem would be selecting a single point of view—the child's, perhaps?

Is it just me? My understanding of feral is growing up in the wild, and having no contact with humans. I can't quite envision a prosperous couple with a feral child living nearby.

Enjoyed thinking about this.

Jackie

[Gbn]

Intention was to present the child as becoming feral due to neglect, whilst the parents feed themselves and their drug habit.. the child must fend for itself and whilst it does become feral, it still craves the love of a family...perhaps I overshot this Mark? It was kept short to convey the desperation..

Thanks, as ever, for your comments, gbn

[Jackie]

That makes it clearer.

Jackie

[Arian]

Yes, I think the rhyme is a little overpowering on the page, but quite the opposite when read aloud - the rhyme makes it work well. The abrupt final line, which breaks the scheme, adds emphasis and power to the ending.

Cheers
Peter

[Gbn]

Thanks for your comments, gbn

[Paula]

how sad it was to read, but the reality of some lives, lives on in this way..

I like it, perhaps shorter lines that impact more so, I am not sure, but it feels like some lines are trying to convey in too many words, that could impact with less.

But I am only a beginner so I wouldn't listen to me..lol

[VirtualHerpes]

I like rhyme so a great start for me.
I especially liked the last line which gave a feeling of anticipation from the child's perspective, even if they really knew it would never arrive.
Very sad!

Thanks for sharing!

[Gbn]

Thanks so much for your comment, happy my intention came through this time. Glad you enjoyed it, gbn

[Katherine]

The subject matter is heartbreaking and that final line is a knockout!

"The bottle, the needle, the pill or the crack,
The weed the coke the speed or the smack"
I loved this; it has a sense of the urgency of the addict, to get their next hit and everything else is of no importance.

"The mother and father order a curry, there's no hurry to start to worry."
Wasn't keen on this; the rhyme seemed forced.

I have a bit of a 'thing' about children being referred to as 'it'! Initially, I thought the use of "Its mother and father" in the second line was deliberate, in order to indicate the feral, not-quite civilised nature of the child but, then you use 'his' and 'he'.

Anyway, there's my two-pennorth, for what it's worth! I still really liked it! x

[Mark101]

Hi Gbn,

A very powerful, sad and sadly all to real piece.

I wasn't interrupted by the rhyme, I liked it. I think I disagree with Jackie (sorry Jackie), I didn't feel it was a summary, I took the various view points expressed, to be painting a picture of the situation, although I could see her point, for me, perhaps with it being quite a short piece, the odd expansion here and there would make it richer still. Neither did I have a problem with "feral". It's exactly what some of these kids are, or at least on their way to becoming, and almost never by fault of their own.

Not much help and not much of a critique, but just wanted to say I liked it, in a sad way.

Mark