Breaking the Bough (V5 much revised)

[Mark101]

Please, if you're reading this, say something, even if you don't like it. I need your help


Black, black day!
What need could there be,
to tear out your soul for scrutiny?
There's no turning back once the trip begins,
the devil's enamoured of all of your sins.
Are you so sure you're prepared to let go,
the very last strand of the self that you know”?
Our demons begin in a war they would win,
so be warned if you mean to insist.

“We'll shake you, we'll break you,
we'll take you apart.
Reverse the black holes in your mind?”
The demons assert as if out of largesse.
“We love it in here, such an unholy mess.
Are you scared of the things we might find”?

They dissect your id,
and your mind fragments.
The demons enraptured, your core laments.
You open your mouth but you don't have your lips,
you don't have my eyes or your fingertips.
You can't feel your feet
Nor your breath expand.
You're drowning, untethered in featureless land.
Their cleaving claws reap as they rape your soul,
on this black day of searching for truth.

You face the great mirror but don't see your face,
the eyes that stare back are malign.
Though smiling, he bows in defeat, and with grace,
the devil is forced to resign.

A moment of stillness descends all round.
A stone at its zenith defying the ground.
A calm seldom felt for a thousand years,
a promise perhaps, have you won?

Slowly and haze filled, the turn of the earth
is coaxing you back, to egress.
Sun rising, air chilled on this burgeoning dawn
of your sanity's bid for redress.

It comes without fanfare, the day of rebirth.
The day of the ever long searching for worth.
In ravaged repose you return, knowing now
only you hold your fate in your hand.

Why shake you? Why break you?
Why take you apart?
Well isn't it obvious now?
The journey you took has enabled the chance,
to stand erect and enter the dance.
The choice is now yours so don't waste what you gained,
For it costs to go breaking the bough.




Revision No.3

Strange, strange day.
What need could there be,
To tear out your soul for scrutiny?
Given free will but then given no choices,
The unified scream of a million voices
Ask, "reason or treason,
For which to let go,
The very last strand of the life that you know”?
Tied to the quay of my still beating heart,
The anchor stone of truth.

Why shake me? why break me?
Why take me apart?
What truth could be put upon show?
That for that truth, you would die and desist?
We did it for you love
For you, they insist,
For you love, we just had to know.

No smiles for that camera,
No lies for that crowd.
No up, no down, no quiet nor loud,
And doing their deeds the foul demons avowed
“The only way back is undone”!

Undo they did,
As my mind detached,
Watching the scene as their vile plots hatched.
I open my mouth but I don't have my lips.
I don't have my eyes or my finger tips.
I can't feel my feet
Nor my breath expand.
I wander untethered through featureless land.
Yet hidden, I keep in my still beating heart,
The fire stone of youth.

Suddenly, everything stops.
My all in a bubble that pops.
As I fall through the air,
The sky's ripping a tear
In my dreaming, and every limb flops.

Then

Awakened, in puddles of mucus and blood
I lay, as the newly born child.
Wondering why and half drowned in the mud,
But feeling the call of the wild.

Slowly and haze filled,
The turn of the world
Is recalling me, back from the edge.
Sun rising, air chilled,
The future unfurled
In my beating heart, making its pledge.

It's come, I can feel it,
The day of my birth.
The day of the ever long searching for worth.
The day of new stepping upon this green earth,
And of touching a heart with my hand.

Why shake me? why break me?
Why take me apart?
Well isn't it obvious now?
So that none in your world could deny you exist!
We did it for you love,
For you wished this tryst.
For you love are breaking the bough.

Revision No.2

Strange, strange day.
What need could there be,
To tear out your soul for scrutiny?
Given free will but then not given choices,
They scream all together, your million voices
“For reason or treason
Would you let go,
The very last strand of the life that you know”?
Tied deep inside your angel heart,
The anchor stone of truth.

Why shake me? why break me?
Why take me apart?
What truth could be put upon show?
That for that truth, you would die and desist?
We did it for you love
For you they insist,
For you love we just had to know.

No smiles for that camera,
No lies for that crowd.
No up, no down, no quiet nor loud,
And doing their deeds the foul demons avowed
“Delete is the way to derail”!

Derail they did,
As my mind unlatched.
I'm watching the scene as their vile plots are hatched.
I open my mouth but I don't have my lips.
I don't have my eyes or my finger tips.
I can't feel my feet
Nor my breath expand.
I wander untethered through featureless land.
Hid deep inside my angel heart,
The fire stone of youth.

Suddenly, everything stops.
Floating, but here, the stone drops.
Through rushing thin air,
The sky ripping a tear
In my dreaming, as every limb flops

Then

Awakened, in puddles of mucus and blood
I lay, as the newly born child.
Wondering why and half drowned in the mud,
But feeling the call of the wild.

Then slowly and haze filled,
The turn of the world
Is recalling me, back from the edge.
Sun rising, air chilled,
The burning unfurled
My beating heart, making its pledge.

It's come, I can feel it,
The day of my birth.
The day of the ever long searching for worth.
The day of first stepping upon this green earth,
And of touching a heart with my hand.

Why shake me? why break me?
Why take me apart?
Well isn't it obvious now?
That none in your world can deny you exist!
We did it for you love,
For you we enlist.
For you love are breaking the bough.



REVISION No.1 (WITH NOTES)

Strange, strange day
What need could there be?
To tear out your soul for scrutiny.
They scream in their torment, a million voices - (this is clichéd)
Given free will, but then not given choices
For reason or treason - (was meant to be a question, but to say "For which reason or treason", doesn't quite scan)
Would you let go?
The very last strand of the life that you know
Tied deep inside your angel heart
The anchor stone of truth

No tears for that tribe - (these 2 lines were meant to be a brief moment of bravado, defiance, not sure if that comes across)
No keys for that place
No lost, no found, nor trace of my face
The workings of demons that breathe in my space - (they're not breathing, in my space, but breathing in, my space, my existence,
Complete in the finest detail.[right]not sure if that comes across)[/right]
Why shake me? why break me?
Why take me apart?
What truth could be put upon show?
That for that truth, you would die and desist?
We did it for you love
For you they insist,
For you love we just had to know

No smiles for that camera - (as before, 2 lines that are meant to say I don't have the energy to pretend, not sure)?
No lies for that crowd
No up, no down, no quiet nor loud
And doing their deeds, the foul demons avowed
Delete, is the way to derail! - (this line has to echo it equal in the previous similar stanza both in rhythm and rhyme, [right]but I'm not altogether happy with it)[/right]
Derail they did
As my mind unlatched
I'm watching the scene, as their vile plots are hatched
I open my mouth but I don't have my lips
I don't have my eyes or my finger tips
I can't feel my feet
Nor my breath expand
I wander untethered through featureless land
Hid deep inside my angel heart,
The fire stone of youth

Suddenly everything stops
Floating, but here, the stone drops
Through rushing of air
The sky ripping, a tear
In my dreaming, as every limb flops

Then

Awakened, in puddles of mucus and blood
I lay, as the newly born child
Wondering, wretched and drowned in the mud
But feeling the call of the wild

Then slowly and haze filled
The turn of the world
Is pulling me back from the edge - (this is clichéd)
Sun rising, air chilled,
The burning unfurled
My beating heart making its pledge

It's come, I can feel it
The day of my birth
The day of the ever long searching for worth
The day of first stepping upon this green earth
And of touching a heart with my hand

Why shake me? why break me?
Why take me apart?
Well isn't it obvious now?
That for this truth, you could fly to exist -(not happy with "fly to exist, but it has to echo it partner S3 L4)
We did it for you love
For you we enlist - (again, not happy with this line, but it has to also echo it partner S3 L6)
For you love are breaking the bough - (breaking the bow was stolen from "Rockaby Baby, on the tree top" , "When the bough breaks, [right]the cradle will fall". I'm using to mean, being reborn, although the original doesn't[/right][right]necessarily mean that in the original, and I don't know if it's too obscure, or just wrong)?[/right]
Lastly, how could I have spelled "Bough" wrongly so many times, shame on me

ORIGINAL

Strange, strange day
What need could there be
To tear out your soul for scrutiny
They scream in their torment a million voices
Given free will but then not given choices
For reason or treason
Would you let go?
The very last strand of the life that you know
Tied deep inside your angel heart
The anchor stone of truth

No tears for that tribe
No keys for that place
No lost, no found, nor trace of my face
The workings of demons that breathe in my space
Complete in the finest detail

Why shake me? why break me?
Why take me apart?
What truth could be put upon show?
That for that truth, you would die and desist?
We did it for you love
For you they insist
For you love we just had to know

No smiles for that camera
No lies for that crowd
No up, no down, no quiet nor loud
And doing their deeds the foul demons avowed
Delete is the way to derail


Derail they did
As my mind unlatched
I'm watching the scene as their vile plots are hatched
I open my mouth but I don't have my lips
I don't have my eyes or my finger tips
I can't feel my feet
Nor my breath expand
I wander untethered through featureless land
Hid deep inside my angel heart
The fire stone of youth

Suddenly everything stops
Floating, but here the stone drops
Through rushing of air
The sky ripping a tear
In my dreaming as every limb flops

Then

Awakened in puddles of mucus and blood
I lay as the newly born child
Wondering, wretched and drowned in the mud
But feeling the call of the wild

Then slowly and haze filled
The turn of the world
Is pulling me back from the edge
Sun rising, air chilled
The burning unfurled
My beating heart making its pledge

It's come, I can feel it
The day of my birth
The day of the ever long searching for worth
The day of first stepping upon this green earth
And of touching a heart with my hand

Why shake me? why break me?
Why take me apart?
Well isn't it obvious now?
That for this truth, you could fly to exist
We did it for you love
For you we enlist
For you love are breaking the bow

[Arian]

There's a lot to like in this Mark, I'd say - particularly the sense of despair tinged with anger (or is it the other way round?) that emerges from it. And there's no shortage of imaginative lines, either - I especially admired the first three. Excellent start.

The inconsistent punctuation doesn't help it, I'd argue. It looks like it's a conscious decision to punctuate as you have, but I'm not sure it's the right decision. On the other hand, I suppose, the lack of punctuation does tend to augment the tumbling rhythm created by the frequent, and occasionally intrusive, rhymes. I like the drama created by the lone 'then'.

I suppose, to nitpick, there are a few places where your phrasing tends towards the over-familiar, but - in the main - I'd say it's very nicely done. It's hard to sustain interest throughout a piece as long as this, but you've managed it.

Cheers
peter

[David]

Hi Mark. I agree with Peter. You handle the rhythms here extremely well. It is perhaps - but this is a personal prejudice of mine - a little too long. Any poem that sticks around this long really needs to earn its keep, and I'm not sure that all of this does that. But there are some very good passages.

There's also a sense in which you have the volume turned up to 11 throughout, but that may be right for the poem. It's a barbaric yawp, isn't it? And no worse for that, although I'd have preferred a bit more in the way of dynamics. You can take your foot off the loud pedal sometimes.

It probably sounds very good in performance.

Cheers

David

[Mark101]

Thank you both Peter and David,

It is a bit of a lengthy rant so thanks for sticking with it to the end.

Also I would say that it's a bit of a work in progress, there are things that I wasn't happy with before I posted it, one of the reasons for posting it in fact, to get some help or suggestions from others who know more than me.

I haven't studied writing, it's just something I like to do, a release, but this probably contributed to the bad punctuation. You are right Peter in that it is meant to have a sense of despair and a little anger, but also fear, and some of the punctuation, or lack thereof, was designed to give the feeling of not quite having enough breath to finish in some parts.

You're both right also that it is pretty full on. The second half (after the "then"), was meant to provide a gradual calming, and a sense that things were going to be OK, but I think you're right, dynamically it doesn't calm down much.

The "They", that have been called demons, could later be described as angels, and only thought of, by the subject, as demons because he does't quite realise what is happening, or why they are doing these things to him, making him afraid. In reality, this is a sort of judgement day, and "they" have found him wanting, and so they have to reconstruct him, in order to be reborn, break the bow.

I did feel I needed a more or less equal length, both before and after the "Then", in order to give it some balance, but yes, that did make it rather long.

I'm going to re-visit it of course and change things, but there's always the fear you will make it worse.

I would like to provide my own analysis of what might be wrong, in the hope of some more guidance, I hope that's OK.

But in the meantime, thank you both once again, at least overall you both liked it. (happy face)

[David]

Mark, I've moved the revision up into the first post. It's kind of a house style sort of thing.

Cheers

David

[Mark101]

Thanks David,

I have to read up on how the editing works, I wasn't sure how to do most of the stuff I wanted

[JJWilliamson]

Hi Mark

I'm glad you changed the title because I was struggling with 'bow'. Yes, 'when the bough breaks the cradle will fall' I've got it now.

I followed your poem all the way to the end and enjoyed many of your lines. I tend to agree with the other guys about the length
because it gets bogged down as the poem progresses. A nip and tuck here and there with some concrete imagery (I like the images you have used btw)
might help. Depends what you're going for, I suppose.

The cadence is very interesting. I suspect you have a natural ear for rhythm because the poem flows very nicely, clearly demonstrating that
syllabic conventional meter is not the only way.

Thanks for the read

Best

JJ

[Mark101]

Thank you JJ,

I am going to revise the revision to see where I can cut a bit of dead wood, but it's not easy to chop the fingers off your baby, poor over long baby LOL.

Anyway, thank you for sticking with it. I am a musician (not by profession), but I have played the piano since an early age and I write for it and orchestra, so I think even if I don't know all the terminology for the myriad rhythms and cadences employed in writing poetry and prose, I do at least like to think that I understand rhythm. (and both my ears are quite natural)

Thanks again

[Mark101]

Hello each,

Please excuse this blatant bump, but I've had a little go at a revision I'd your sage opinions on. I have trimmed it a little from the original but it is still quite a chunk of wordage, be warned LOL.

Tar everso

Mark

[laurenharper]

Hi Mark,
This is a long work, but I did read it through several times as it is intriguing. There is a tremendous amount of energy here and I like that. As someone ( I forget) posted earlier, I can imagine this working well in a performance.
I don't think you should cut anything else; I think it's too difficult to do this since you have obviously spent a great deal of time on keeping the cadence and flow. Why not take the same concept/idea and apply it to another new work?

Cheers,
Lauren

[Mark101]

Good morning Lauren,

Thanks for sticking with it, I know it's a looooooooooong slog LOL. I do have the same reactions when I click on a new piece and see how much text there is. If the first stanza doesn't hook me, then it's hard to find the enthusiasm to go on, (is that naughty of me lol).

It is quite a dear piece to me and so I'm glad it didn't put you off. I'm afraid it's one of those I mentioned earlier, that mean much to me, but whether anyone else understands it, is up for debate. I do think that it's not always imperative that the reader takes exactly what the writer wanted to say, at least in poetry. I like the idea that the interpretation can be an open thing, and the reader may overlay something of their own on the text, just as long as the text is put down well enough to allow the reader an interpretation. (Does that make any sense LOL, I do like to ramble).

I'm glad at least you felt the energy of the piece. It is about rebirth (not in a reincarnation way, but in the way that a sudden epiphany can change your life). I think it was David, who first mentioned that it has a sense of being turned up to 11, all the way through. I have tried to give a few breaks to the volume, add some dynamics, but I'm still not sure it works on that level, but having said that, such an epiphany is a very big deal, and the resulting description was never going to be a gently lilting ditty.

Time to shut up now LOL.

Thanks again for you input, I do appreciate it. Happy poeting.

Mark

[Mark101]

Hi folks,

I've had a good look at this piece, and although there were lots of nice words that went together quite well, many people have said, (and I believe it myself), that it was quite opaque, they could tell there was a story there somewhere, but not exactly what it might be.

I've tried to deconstruct this piece to find out what it wanted to say, I think I might be on the right track now, but still I'm sure that there are things that could be improved, and with your help, I think it could get there. Please don't be afraid to tell me exactly what you think, if it's still too trite, or it's still lost in some mist, then I need to know.

Thank you all for your help so far

Mark

[Macavity]

hi Mark,
I agree with David's view on long poems - other hurdles to jump...abstraction...the I/me self-absorbed...random rhymes...I have plenty of bias, features that don't engage...what would engage...taste/touch/smell/sight/sound...imagery that engages the senses...hope that is not too harsh

all the best

mac

[Mark101]

Hi Mac,

Thanks for you thoughts, I know there's still some way to go. I'm trying here to describe a personal experience from the point of view of the person experiencing it ie. me LOL, so it's quite hard to do without using the I/me thing. I have been working quite a lot on making it less obscure, and I'm also not sure what random rhymes you mean, there are a lot of rhymes, but I didn't think any of them were random, or perhaps I'm misunderstanding what you meant.

Anyway, thanks again

ATB

Mark

[Macavity]

hi Mark,
Actually Plath is a confessional poet and I'm a fan of her writing - I also like her rhyme play - internal/end - fizzes through her short lines. Also a fan of Eliot and he uses rhyme in free verse too. The danger of rhyme in free verse is that irregular strophes can be an easy excuse to use rhymes that don't have the discipline of patterns - they come easy and go easy - they also become the main driver/prop of the poem.

Of course, Eliot also used persona - one way of escaping the I/me poetry - the self may interest the self, but it is the poetry that interests others...just some random thoughts

all the best

mac

[Mark101]

Thanks Mac,

I do take your point, and yes it is still quite long, shorter than it was, but.......

Anyway, I'll see what I can do.

Best

Mark

[KevJ]

There's much to admire here Mark. Some nice rhymes, has good rhythm. Think your getting there, has potential I'd say.

Should that be "the mirror before me instead of my. Just a thought.

All the best Kev

[Mark101]

Hi Kevj,

Thank you very much,

It is still in progress, I just don't seem to want to let it lie LOL.

Yes of course it should be the mirror before me, I think I've read it so many times that I just see what I think should be there and not what actually is there. Thanks for pointing that out, I would not have spotted it I think.

Thanks again, most encouraging.

Best

Mark